Many of my clients sign up for coaching in order to develop their executive presence – that is the ability to show up confident, calm, and present – especially when dealing with difficult individuals. A recent client shared that one of his peers was making rude comments about my client in front of others. As a result, my client felt himself getting triggered when he came into contact with his peer. My client was concerned because he had to work regularly with this peer and intuitively understood that his colleague’s behavior was not going to change.

As you (unfortunately!) know, difficult colleagues – as well as people in our personal lives – come in many shapes, sizes and flavors, including being overly critical, bossy, unaware of how their behavior impacts others, and even – on the more extreme side – self-centered, mean–spirited, and manipulative.

Since difficult people are not always interested in or capable of insight, most likely they are not going to change. Therefore, it’s really up to you to change how you show up, so that you can remain confident and grounded and protect yourself from their negative energy.

While I don’t believe there is a one size fits all approach for dealing with difficult individuals, you can experiment with different self-management strategies to better manage difficult individuals and situations and build your inner resources.

I would say the overall goal when dealing with difficult individuals is to learn how to expand your window of tolerance for dealing with discomfort (an important life skill!), train in the skill of compassion – toward yourself and others, and ultimately feel happier and more resilient.

Here are a few different self-management strategies clients have successfully used when engaging with difficult individuals – hope you find them useful!

Set a Goal for the Interaction. Your objective is to remain present, calm and grounded and find some peace and ease during a difficult moment. For example, when I start to feel triggered, I will get grounded in my body, feel my feet on the floor, and start to focus on my breath. See Get Present and Grounded below for more information on how to use your body and breath to remain present, calm, and grounded.

Prepare. Take time and space to prepare for a difficult interaction. It’s helpful to prepare by writing out your goal and process, meditating, and/or taking a walk. Click here  to download a worksheet clients often find useful when preparing for a difficult situation.

Have Compassion for Yourself, First. Acknowledge that it’s tough and often draining to deal with toxic individuals. Make sure you give yourself sufficient space to prepare to be with them and engage in self-care after the situation to recover and renew your energy.

Have Compassion for the Other Person. While it doesn’t excuse their behavior, recognize the other person is behaving the way they are because they are suffering. One technique to help with this is a loving kindness meditation ­­– you are welcoming in self–compassion and extending compassion to the other person. You really do it for yourself, because it helps you remain more at peace and find some ease in a difficult situation. For more information, click here to read Loving Kindness Takes Time by Sharon Salzberg.

Get Present and Grounded. Use your body and breath to find a sense of equilibrium and ease. Continue to focus on your breath and bring your attention to your feet planted firmly on the floor. Connect with your own breath by counting to three on the in–breath and five on the out–breath – which will activate your rest and digest (parasympathetic) system and stop the fight or flight (sympathetic system) response.

Take a Break. It can be very challenging to remain calm and grounded for an extended period of time, so continue to check in with your goal and feelings during the difficult conversation. If and when you feel like you’re losing your grounding and going into overwhelm (fight or flight) mode, ask to take a coffee or bathroom break, return to your breathing, and remind yourself of your goal. One client found it calming and grounding to place her open right hand over her heart as she took three deep breaths.

Stay Out of Drama and Be Solutions Focused. Remain clear about your best intention and vision for the meeting and relationship – so that you can come from a place of being grounded and centered – versus reactive.

Acceptance. Recognize you are not responsible for the other person’s behavior and they are (most likely) not going to change. Sometimes, by showing up grounded and calm, you can have a positive impact on the other person. But sometimes you cannot. Your goal is to remain grounded and calm – and try to find some ease in a difficult moment – regardless of how the other person behaves.

Let Go. It’s the same thing as acceptance. Remember it’s not your job to fix or change the person: Even if you are in a situation where it is your job to provide feedback about their behavior or actions, the other person is ultimately responsible for their own thoughts, words, and actions.

Forgive but Don’t Forget. By forgiving the other person, you are not condoning their actions but rather cultivating a self-care practice that releases you from toxic and negative feelings and enables you to meet difficult individuals where they are, free from judgment – in order to keep your energy calm and grounded. But it’s important to note that you should always do your best to project yourself from being in harms way. Forgiveness does not mean condoning their actions.  Click here  to learn more about establishing a forgiveness practice through meditation or journaling.

Establish Energetic Boundaries. Some clients find it helpful to visualize a spacious circular bubble around their body so they feel protected by a cushion of space. Then, if the other person says something that is upsetting, imagine it bouncing back off the bubble and right back at them. This approach keeps their negative energy from entering into your own personal space.

Maintain a Sense of Humor. You only have to be with this person (hopefully!) for a short amount of time. They have to live with themselves 24 hours a day.

Remember it’s a practice, so experiment with different strategies and always go easy and gentle on yourself!

When Death Comes by Mary Oliver

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measles-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.
– Mary Oliver (September 10, 1935 – January 17, 2019)

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate.

Give in to it.

There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be.

We are not wise, and not very often kind.

And much can never be redeemed.

Still, life has some possibility left.

Perhaps this is its way of fighting back,
that sometimes something happens better than all the riches or power in the world.

It could be anything, but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins.

Anyway, that’s often the case.

Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty.

Joy is not made to be a crumb.

– Mary Oliver (September 10, 1935 – January 17, 2019)

“One of the sad things today is that so many people are frightened by the wonder of their own presence.

They are dying to tie themselves into a system, a role, or to an image, or to a predetermined identity that other people have actually settled on for them.

This identity may be totally at variance with the wild energies that are rising in their souls. Many of us get very afraid and we eventually compromise.

We settle for something that is safe, rather than engaging the danger and the wilderness that is in our own hearts.

Just as the true artist is always haunted by the desire to bring the dreams of the imagination to expression, the failure to follow one’s own calling to creativity severely damages one’s spirit.”
– John O’Donohue

Practice sharing the fullness of your being,
your best self, your enthusiasm, your vitality,
your spirit, your trust, your openness, above all your presence.
Share it with yourself, with your family, with the world.
– Jon Kabat-Zinn

Given the fast pace of life, constant distractions, and multitude of demands placed upon us, we often struggle with showing up at our best – especially during important work and personal situations. Whether it’s a meeting, dealing with a toxic co-worker, setting limits with a challenging teenager, or being compassionate toward an aging family member, it’s helpful to pause and remind ourselves – what’s my best intention for this situation?

In coaching, executives quickly learn that that how they say something – that is their style and how they show up – is just as important as the content of what they are saying. An executive recently shared, “I now spend a lot more time thinking and preparing for interactions with others, above and beyond the content itself. Working on grounding myself as well as preparing for difficult meetings has been very helpful. Not surprisingly, this has been helpful in my personal life as well.”

But how do we show up at our best – especially when there is the potential to become triggered? Here is an effective, simple exercise for showing up as your best self that works great at work or in your personal life!

How to Show Up and Lead with Intention!

Step One: What is my goal? What do I want? What is my preferred outcome for the conversation? What does success look like from the other person’s point of view?

Client examples include (recommend identifying 1-3 goals):
• Learn more about the job and explore if the fit is right
• Get the job offer
• Get the promotion
• Make a good impression
• Make sure my body language and tone communicate interest in the other person
• Communicate important information
• Influence an important decision
• Share my point of view
• Delegate an important task to my direct report
• Provide the tough feedback
• Offer support in a difficult situation
• Offer career support and advice
• Gather information
• Actively listen and build trust
• Be present with the person and refrain from offering advice
• Pause before I respond
• Connect and strengthen the relationship
• Demonstrate I care about the other person
• Establish better boundaries
• Have fun

Step Two (my favorite step!): What is my best intention for how I want to Show Up? What would I want the other people(s), or a fly on the wall, to say about how I was “being”?

Client examples include (recommend identifying 3-5 attributes):
• Present
• Engaged
• Grounded
• Confident
• Approachable
• Authentic
• Empathetic, active listener
• Able to understand and respect others’ point of view
• Nonjudgmental
• Curious
• Collaborative
• Caring
• Compassionate
• Focused on what matters
• Respectful
• Grounded, not reactive
• Like-able, fun to work with
• Joyful
• Energized and upbeat

Step Three: What are my “watch outs”? What could I do or say that could get in the way of a successful meeting or conversation?

Client examples include:
• What could I say that might make the other person feel defensive?
• What could the other person say that might make me feel defensive?
• How might my need to be liked get in the way?
• How might my need to be right get in the way?
• What do I need to pay attention to in terms of my tone of voice and body language?

Step Four: How will I maintain leadership presence? How can I stay present and focused on my goal, intentions and watch outs? What will I do if I get triggered so that I can re-center and remain grounded?

Client examples include:
• Periodically remind myself of my goal, intentions, and watch outs. Clients often write them down on the side of their notepad or on a note-card placed in their pocket.
• Get grounded in my body by focusing on my breath, counting to five, or feeling the sensations of my feet on the floor.
• Get grounded in my body by bringing my attention to an outside sound, like a fan or an air conditioner.
• Request a coffee or bathroom break if I start to feel myself transitioning to reactive mode versus intentional mode and remind myself of my goal, intentions, and watch outs.