Last month, I shared how Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt’s Getting the Love You Want workshop positively impacted my marriage. Inspired by their work, I signed up for their Safe Conversations® workshop to bring relational competency skills to organizational leaders and their teams.
What is Safe Conversations®?
Developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Safe Conversations® is a methodology designed to help people communicate in ways that foster connection rather than conflict. The goal of Safe Conversations® is to turn conversations into opportunities for healing and deeper understanding rather than reactive arguments.
Safe Conversations® helps us:
- Create psychological safety by focusing on the energy between people.
- Communicate without criticism and listen without judgment.
- Shift from reactivity to curiosity, enhancing emotional and physical well-being.
- Engage in lateral (equal) dialogue rather than power-driven interactions.
- Transform the way we relate at home and at work.
This approach emphasizes skill development, not therapy, and centers around four key practices:
- Structured Dialogue: Establishes safety through predictability and specific sentence stems, allowing participants to understand what comes next.
- Awareness & Empathy: Promotes safety by ensuring individuals feel seen, heard, and validated.
- Zero Negativity Commitment: Maintains safety by eliminating putdowns, judgments, and criticisms from conversations.
- Affirmations: Cultivates safety and healing, through fun, appreciation, and caring behaviors.
Key guidelines for Safe Conversations® include:
1. Speak with Intention
- Use “I” statements to express personal experiences and avoid blame. Example: Instead of “You never listen to me,” say “I feel unheard when I try to share my thoughts.”
- Focus on your own experiences rather than making assumptions about others.
- Keep statements concise and clear to avoid overwhelming your listener.
2. Listen with Curiosity
- Practice “mirroring” by repeating back what the speaker has said to ensure understanding. Example: “What I hear you saying is that you feel overwhelmed when I don’t respond right away. Did I get that right?”
- Validate the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree. Example: “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
- Show empathy by acknowledging their emotions. Example: “That sounds really frustrating. I can understand why this matters to you.”
3. Regulate Emotional Reactivity
- Pause before responding to manage emotional reactions. Pausing helps you respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally.
- Avoid behaviors like criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling.
- If emotions escalate, take a break and return to the conversation once everyone is calm.
4. Structure the Conversation Using the Safe Conversations® Process
- Mirror: Repeat back what you heard without adding opinions.
- Validate: Acknowledge that the other person’s perspective makes sense.
- Empathize: Show understanding of their emotions.
5. Create a Safe Emotional Space
- Avoid interrupting or correcting while the other person is speaking.
- Stay present by eliminating distractions such as your phone or computer.
- Set a positive intention before engaging in difficult conversations (e.g., “I want to understand, not just respond.”).
Engaging in Safe Conversations® builds emotional safety, ensuring everyone feels seen, heard, and valued. This approach reduces conflict by shifting conversations from blame to understanding and strengthens relationships by fostering deeper connection and empathy.
To learn more about Safe Conversations® click here to visit the official site.