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Whether you lead in your business, non-profit organization, community, or family, it’s important to keep in mind that power often corrupts and leads to feelings of entitlement and complacency.

As my mentor, Dale Moss, shared, “Power is so unbelievably intoxicating and over time it almost always does corrupt. To think power doesn’t corrupt is naive and dangerous. To say, maybe ‘them’ but not ‘me’, is the rare, very rare exception. So, if you want to show up as a leader – and I hope you do – start the discussion by assuming power always corrupts and make sure there are checks and balances via regular audits to keep everyone (including yourself) honest.”

In my work as an executive coach, I have learned that leadership is a privilege and a responsibility. One important job of any great leader is to make sure that ALL people feel safe enough to speak up and share their own unique perspective.

Clients use the following thought questions useful to manage their egos:

What reflection-based practices and disciplines do you have in place to support you in being of service to a higher vision? One executive recently shared that he has a practice of walking around the neighborhood every evening alone to reflect on the day’s events. Another client leads a prayer group and mentors others most mornings before work.

How do you make sure the people in your inner circle keep you honest? Who do you trust to be objective and hold you accountable to your values and behaviors? How do you make sure you don’t surround yourself with ‘yes’ people? One leader makes it a point to hire individuals who are willing to speak up and share their perspectives.

What practices do you have in place to make it psychologically safe for all individuals, especially introverts and/or marginalized colleagues, to speak up? One leader shares that she waits for everyone else to speak up before she offers her opinion and makes it a point to invite soft-spoken and junior colleagues into the conversation. One executive passes out large index cards for people to write down what they are thinking, collects the cards, and shares the insights with everyone – keeping the suggestions ‘anonymous’.

Client leaders are sharing that times are tough (e.g., the pandemic, shift out of the pandemic, a divided nation, and violent shootings). Executives are searching for practices to show up more grounded, responsive, and inspiring versus emotionally reactive and ineffective.

One client’s favorite tool is the “pause button” – simple yet not always easy to do. Another client uses a mantra: stimulus, hit the pause button and wait, then respond. He reminds himself, just because I think it, doesn’t mean I have to say it. And a friend’s son’s baseball coach has a 24-hour rule that no player, parent, or whomever is allowed to comment on the game for 24 hours following the finality of game time.

What is the pause button? The idea of taking some time away when you feel triggered by a situation or person in order to rest and reset. This allows the brain to slow down and the nervous system to settle; as a result, the mind becomes clearer, and you gain a better perspective. Once you are in a calmer mind state, you can show up more intentional and less reactive. It’s interesting to remember that we are wired by evolution to be alarmists, so things are usually not as bad as they seem at first.

One phrase that helps client leaders is this too shall pass. Whatever situation is happening in the moment, however you or others are feeling, whatever joy or pain you or others are experiencing, it’s only temporary.

The Pause Button

Ask yourself

• Do I really need to react to this situation or person?
• Is it urgent or can I allow myself to take a pause before I respond, so my brain has time to settle, and I can show up from a place of being calm, decisive, grounded, and compassionate?
• Keeping in mind, this too shall pass, notice how you feel and what your state of mind is after 24 hours, after 48 hours, and after 72 hours?

Favorite Client Pause Buttons

• Take ten deep breaths
• Journal – first draft for yourself, second for the other person
• Be present in your body (e.g., feel the sensations of your feet on the ground, feel your back against the chair)
• Walk or be with your dog
• Have a good night’s sleep or take a nap (emotional first aid)
• Bake cookies
• Prepare and have dinner with good friends and family
• Travel somewhere new for the day, night, weekend, or week
• Turn off your phone at 5pm (or after hours) and weekends or leave it in another room
• Be or walk in nature
• Tend to flowers and plants
• Paint or draw
• Gaze at the stars, in the hot tub
• Laugh
• Take breaks from the news
• Play a round of golf
• Enjoy a glass of wine or watch a good TV show (yes, when done with the right intention, this counts too!)
• What pause button works for you?

Last week I returned from my 30-year graduate business school reunion. There were close to one hundred of us for the event in Chicago. During the women’s luncheon, the alumni office shared that there is something different about our ’92 class, that we (and class of ’97) stand out in her mind from all the rest based on our connection and commitment to each other. Recurrent themes that came to mind to were love, community, values, and resiliency.

During the 30 year of ski trips (shout out to Ed and Nanci🎿), hikes, dating, weddings, births, bar and bat mitzvahs, divorces, funerals, and just keeping in touch, this group of business school friends has operated as a high functioning community (maybe one of the highest I have had the privilege to be a part of); all are welcomed, loved, and accepted. No one is ever turned away or left out of any events.

And the focus on values continues to be apparent: importance of family, friends, and being humble. Despite the career and financial success of many of my peers, there is always humility, a kind word, and generosity of spirit present. Everyone has made her/his own choices and some of us (myself included) have taken time off from promising careers to focus on family, friends, passions, and health.

And everyone is remembered. At each event, thanks to Dan ❤️, friends who have passed away and are no longer physically with us, are always honored with stories, pictures, and a few minutes of silence.

In this month’s e-newsletter, I share Arthur Brooks‘ happiness strategies. Brooks is a Harvard professor, PhD social scientist, best-selling author, and columnist at The Atlantic.

Brooks explains that our brains and mental capacities change or erode with age, shifting from one set of skills and abilities to another. He goes on to say that there is good news: even with the change in skills and abilities, you can make the second half of your life even better than the first!

Brooks also explains that while 50% of happiness is genetic, 25% is due to circumstances that constantly change, so there is always room for improvement. With knowledge, practice, and fixing barriers to happiness (for example, mental health and poverty), we can become happier. He emphasizes that happiness is a process and takes time. This reminds me of the phrase, “incremental success is better than ambitious failure,” so take your time and focus on progressing upward.

Themes that resonated from Brooks’ book and talks

• The difference between fluid and crystallized intelligence and why it’s easier to be an innovator or poet in the first half of your life and a CEO or teacher in your second.
  • • Fluid intelligence refers to your raw smarts and ability to solve problems, to be innovative, to improve what you do, and to think through things quickly. Fluid intelligence is strongest when you’re young and peaks at about fifty years of age.
    • Crystallized intelligence refers to your ability to teach, explain things, tell stories, see connections among ideas, and understand how things fit together. Crystallized intelligence develops in your forties and stays strong into your fifties, sixties, seventies, and even eighties.

• What a success addict is and how to avoid the hedonistic treadmill trap by focusing on Your Why versus Your What. To find Your Why, Brooks recommends spending 15 minutes a day for three months reflecting on the nature of your own desire. Click here for another great resource Start With Why by Simon Sinek.

• The happiness portfolio and the four most important habits of the happiest people. Brooks talks about focusing on having 1). Faith (an interest in something bigger than yourself), 2). Solid Family Relationships, 3). Supportive Network of Friends, 4). and Work Which Serves Others.

• Why it’s better to listen to common sense and wisdom traditions versus messaging from advertising and social media. Our culture mistakenly tells us that in order to be happy we need to do three things: 1) Love Things, 2). Use People, and 3). Worship Yourself. If you want to be happy, Brook recommends keeping the general formula but switching the focus: 1). Use Things, 2). Love People, and 3). Worship the Divine (however you interpret this).

• A three-step algorithm to become happier in life: 1). Understand what’s going on (enhance knowledge), 2) Practice it in life (wise action), and 3). Share it with others.

Monthly Favorites

• Click here to purchase Arthur Brooks’ book From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life.

• Click here to listen to The Good News About Your Inevitable Decline on the Ten Percent Happier podcast with Arthur Brooks and Dan Harris (75 minutes).

• Click here to listen to Dr. Ron Siegel talk The Science of Mindfulness at Talks at Google. One of the best overviews of what mindfulness is, what it’s not, and how to work with everyday problems, anxiety, and depression (65 minutes).

• Click here to listen to the podcast Vulnerability and Redemption with Adrian Grenier on the podcast A Bit of Optimism with Simon Sinek. Grenier, the former star of Entourage who had fame, money and everything else, shares his story of how his girlfriend dumped him which led to a journey of reflection, growth, and farming (24 minutes).

• Click here to listen to the podcast Equanimity: The Gifts of Non-Reactive Mindful Presence by Tara Brach. In her talk, Brach reminds us to pause and find an inner refuge when feeling angry and fearful; a resource many clients are relying on during these difficult times (42 minutes).

“I dreaded having the awkward conversation with my manager who was not showing up in the right way for her team. My usual tendency is to avoid conflict. Yet, by managing my discomfort and preparing for the discussion, I was able to share concrete examples of how she could improve. I learned that clear is kind and we got to a better place,” a client leader shared.

Most leaders arrive at the decision that being direct and honest is kind after learning the hard way; overcoming their mistaken belief they were helping someone by being “nice” to avoid hurt feelings. In fact, waiting too long to share constructive feedback can not only negatively impact someone’s development but also have the potential to lead to tears and drama, as one client recently shared.

As an executive coach, organizations often hire me to share difficult news with their leaders. I can’t count the number of times that client leaders have thanked me for giving them the direct, clear, and honest feedback that no one else was willing to share with them.

Most of us avoid conflict because it’s just so uncomfortable: tough emotions, physical sensations, and spinning thoughts often accompany these difficult situations. But, as I’m sure you know, conflict is a necessary outcome of working with others and if handled correctly can build bridges and lead to better solutions.

Many clients use a version of the questions (listed below) as a framework; they often share that taking time to prepare for the conversation can help minimize (though not necessarily eliminate) the discomfort (e.g., racing heart rate, tight chest, OCD thoughts, sweaty palms, etc.) associated with having a tough conversation.

Keep in mind it doesn’t have to, and won’t be, perfect. Despite your best efforts, your tone, body language, or phrasing might not be “perfect,” and that’s okay, it’s part of the process. Just make sure you set the right intention by preparing ahead for the meeting to bring out the best in you and (hopefully) the other party.

Click here to learn more about preparing for Courageous Conversations.

I hope 2022 finds you off to a good start, with moments of joy and well-being, despite the struggles associated with COVID-19 and life in general.

I’d like to share three of the most common leadership skills and some tools that executives are working on and using in their coaching engagements. These three skills are universal and relevant for whether you lead in an organization, a community, or your home.

One: Executive Presence is the ability to show up confident, calm, grounded, and with a positive state of mind. We all need strategies and practices to help us overcome our innate negativity bias and manage our nervous systems in order to show up at our best self to inspire and motivate others to be their best.

• Click here to read How to Show Up Cheerful During Tough Times
• Click here to learn more about Taming Anxiety: How to Stop the Spin Cycle
• Click here for a worksheet on Energy Management and the 3 P’s (a favorite go–to resource for many clients)

Two: Conflict Management is the ability to manage difficult situations by having the courageous conversations, sooner rather than later … or never. Conflict is a necessary and healthy part of business; having the critical conversations is hard work and takes preparation.

• Click here to learn more about how to have Courageous Conversations
• Click here for Norman Fischer’s guided meditation on “Presence” to the Conflict Resolution Professionals group (only twelve minutes and a client favorite)

Three: Time Management is the ability to set aside blocks of reflection time to make sure you are prioritizing what activities matters most (for example creating/communicating vision and strategy, building key relationships, developing skills in others, etc.) versus getting caught up in tasks or activities that should be delegated to others.

• Click here for a Time Management Matrix worksheet which will help you reflect on and evaluate how you are spending your time