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I hope this finds you well and that you are enjoying this lovely spring weather!

Last week, I had the pleasure of listening to Charles Duhigg discuss the science of supercommunication on my favorite podcast, Ten Percent Happier, As I listened to Duhigg, I became intrigued by his concept of supercommunication and the research behind it, which led me to purchase his new book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Language of Connection.

Duhigg describes a supercommunicator as someone who has deeply thought about how to communicate and excels at:

• Making others feel listened to, understood, and leaving them feeling better after the conversation.
• Engaging in conversation, establishing flow, and inviting others to participate.
• Breaking through and establishing connections even in the most unlikely of situations.

He goes on to say that supercommunicators aren’t born; they are made. Anyone committed to learning the skills can become a supercommunicator, whether at work or at home. Ronald Reagan and Steve Jobs serve as examples of great communicators who didn’t start out that way but learned to master the art of supercommunication. Additionally, no particular personality type makes someone a better communicator than another; it’s simply a learned skill.

Summarized below are some tips on how become a supercommunicator.

When communicating, we typically engage in one or a combination of three types of conversations: practical, emotional, and social. The key is to ‘match’ your communication style with the individuals you’re interacting with. This concept from Duhigg really resonated with me because I hadn’t previously considered it, yet it makes perfect sense!

1. Practical conversations focus on decision-making, planning, or problem-solving. What is this really about?
2. Emotional conversations involve understanding and sharing emotions. How do we feel?
3. Social conversations explore identity, relationships, societal beliefs, and personal experiences that shape who we are. Who are we? Where did we grow up? What do we do?

There are four rules for having a meaningful conversation.

1. Pay attention to the type of conversation taking place. Is it a practical, emotional, or social conversation?
2. Share your goals and inquire about the goals of the others involved.
3. Ask about others’ feelings and share your own, when appropriate.
4. Explore whether identities are relevant to the discussion. This is particularly relevant during social conversations. Acknowledging each party’s differences helps understand each other better.

Learn how to ask the right kinds of deep questions.

• Supercommunicators ask 10-20 times more questions than the average person.
• Ask deep questions that show interest in the other person’s values, beliefs, or experiences.
• Deep questions don’t need to seem so deep. For example, you can ask, “What did you make of that?” Or “What was that like?” And you can encourage more conversation, by simply saying, “Tell me more”.

Learn and practice the skill of listening for understanding or looping (checking back with the other person to see if you have listened and understood correctly).

• Demonstrate active listening to prove that you are engaged. This can be achieved by paraphrasing, reflecting on what you’ve heard, asking deep questions, summarizing in your own words, and confirming understanding.
• When we listen to someone without interrupting, it releases dopamine in the speaker’s brain. This fosters a sense of connection and increases the likelihood that they will be receptive to what you have to say.
• Shift from self-focus to other focus, emphasizing the importance of empathy. By prioritizing understanding and consideration for others, we foster deeper connections and mutual understanding.
• Click here to take a deeper dive and learn more about the practice of “looping”.

Master the art of good story telling.

• Ensure that every story includes a beginning, middle and end. Often, we overlook the middle part, resulting in an ineffective story.
• The arch in the middle is crucial; it’s where the magic happens. It provides the listener with an opportunity to learn something and see the idea in action.

Additional resources with links to explore further.

• Click here to learn more about the book ‘Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Language of Connection’ by Charles Duhigg.

• Click here for The Science of Effective Communication with Charles Duhigg on Ten Percent Happier Podcast with Dan Harris (70 minutes)

• Click here with Charles Duhigg on Supercommunicators on A Bit of Optimism Podcast with Simon Sinek (29 minutes)

• Click here for How Supercommunicators Unlock the Secrets of Connection with Charles Duhigg and Stanford Graduate School of Business lecturer Matt Abrahams (35 minutes)

• Click here to read How to Have More Meaningful Conversations by Charles Duhigg in Time Magazine (5 minutes)

• Click here for Charles Duhigg and Supercommunicators on NPR with Scott Detrow (9 minutes)

It only takes a reminder to breathe,

a moment to be still, and just like that,

something in me settles, softens, makes

space for imperfection. The harsh voice

of judgment drops to a whisper and I

remember again that life isn’t a relay

race; that we will all cross the finish

line; that waking up to life is what we

were born for. As many times as I forget,

catch myself charging forward

without even knowing where I’m going,

that many times I can make the choice

to stop, to breathe, and be, and walk

slowly into the mystery

–  Walk Slowly poem by Danna Faulds

Lately i have found myself wanting to rush

my way to the ending of things

interactions

experiences

feelings

silience

right now

i am in the practice of not pushing so hard

rather

dropping back into my body

taking the extra moments to really feel my feet on the ground

and being with my breath and what i find there

in its wholeness

– Be Here, Now by Danielle Doby

I hope this message finds you well as you step into 2024.

This month, I’m writing about a more personal aspect of my life than I usually do, the passing of my mother on December 19, 2023, and the eulogy I shared at her funeral and memorial.

As some of my friends and family know, my relationship with my mother, Geraldine Elaine Quartner, was complicated. At some point, I had to come to terms with who she was and understand the circumstances that shaped her into the person and mother she became – factors probably beyond her control. I chose to forgive her and recognize that she did the best she could with the resources available to her.

When I spoke at my mother’s funeral and memorial, my intention was to be honest about my experience, compassionate, add a bit of humor, and highlight her positive qualities that I hope will live on in her descendants.

Throughout my grieving process, I found comfort in two guided meditations: one on forgiveness and another called the Four Reflections. The latter addresses the preciousness of human life, the inevitability of death, the certainty of suffering, and the impact of our thoughts, words, and actions. Feel free to email me if you’d like to explore either of these practices.

If you are interested, the eulogy I shared is below and click here to read my mother’s obituary.

Kind regards,

Cathy

—-

Thank you for joining us this evening. It means a lot to have friends and family here with us during this time. As many of you are aware, my relationship with my mother was quite complicated so, in tonight’s talk about my mother’s life, I’d like to convey three things:

• First: may my mother’s memory be for a blessing and may her positive qualities live on in her children, grandchildren, and their descendants.

• Second: to honor that my mother did her best and wanted to make sure we had everything she didn’t have. And to recognize the importance of forgiveness and understand that it can take a lifetime, at least in my case, to fully understand where someone was coming from, what forces shaped who they were, and what gifts they had to offer.

• Third: to honor and remember the moments of lightness my mother shared with her family, community, friends, and the world.

First: May my mother’s good qualities live on in all her descendants.

Growing up we were all afraid of and in awe of my mother. She was beautiful, fiercely competitive, always an optimist, and pretty tough on us. She was an operational genius with a creative flair.

The superpowers my mother gave the three of us, my sister Rachael, my brother Jonathan, and me, live on in her grandchildren today. These include a strong backbone, a sense of confidence, a positive and can-do attitude, and the ability to believe in and stand up for oneself.

My mother would often brag to anyone who would listen to her that she raised us to be independent and able to navigate any tough situation. That in fact, we could be dropped anywhere in the Sahara Desert, the largest hot desert in the world, and find our way out. She was very proud of this fact.

Now, let me share a story about how my mother’s backbone, inherited from her own mother, continues to live on in my son, Ari, and daughter, Gabi …

During high school, Ari had a track and field coach who was a bit of a bully, and everyone, including the parents, was afraid of him. Ari had been experiencing severe back pain as a result of the long distance runs. And after finishing up the first part of his practice one day, Ari informed his coach that he couldn’t proceed with the second part of the practice, the long-distance run due to the pain and was scheduled for a CAT scan the next day. The coach responded by stating that in his time, that wouldn’t have been okay. That, in fact, the coach would have continued running despite the pain and injury. Ari looked him in the eye and responded, “Well coach, I guess they just don’t make them like they used to.”

Now I’ll share a story about Gabi, which as two parts.

Part one … Ari played clarinet in middle school and had a special recital that required him to complete three practices in order to attend. No exceptions. And even though I had the practices on my calendar, I completely forgot about them. So when Ari came home from school that day he told me he was no longer able to participate in the recital. He was very upset. So, I did what most parents would do, and called the orchestra teacher and told him I had screwed up, it was 100% my fault, not Ari’s, and asked him to make an exception. He absolutely refused to budge. He said he wouldn’t make an exception for Ari because then he would have to do that for other kids. Then I said, “Can I ask you a question, do you have kids?” And he said, “Yes.” And I said, “Have you ever made a really careless, stupid mistake that your kids had to pay for?” And then he said, “Okay – Ari can still make the recital, just don’t tell anyone.”

Part two of this story is with the same orchestra teacher …In middle school, when Gabi was about 12 years old, she played stand-up bass. She was at practice one day and a classmate shared that the orchestra teacher had just taken a picture of Gabi leaning against her stand-up bass, without her permission. When Gabi heard this, she marched over to the teacher and informed him how inappropriate it was to take a picture of her without her permission, demanded to see his phone, had him erase the picture, and told him she would report him to the authorities. She was 12 years old. Within an hour, I received a frantic call from the orchestra teacher worried that he was going to lose his job and his pension. I am definitely proud of what Gabi did, and yet I did have to deal with a very frightened teacher and remind him that it was me, Ari’s mom, and I owed him one because he let Ari attend that special recital. He still didn’t seem too relieved and called me once more to check back in.

Second: Our mother tried to provide us with a better life than she had.

My mother came from humble means. Her father worked as a truck driver and later a cab driver, while her mother, was a beautician. She was born on October 25, 1943, and my grandfather tells the story that when my grandmother gave birth, the doctor congratulated him on having a girl and then handed him some whiskey, suggesting he sit down and take a shot because there was another one on the way. And from then on, my mother and her identical twin sister Harriet became known as “the twins”. My mother and her twin were an unshakeable force. They had their own secret language as children, and throughout their lives, they never ventured more than a few miles from each other. Growing up, I intuitively understood that this was and would always have been my mother’s closest connection and relationship.

When my mother referred to her upbringing, she would talk about cardboard in her shoes and wearing hand me down clothing. She desperately wanted to make a better life for herself, so she started her adult life as an x-ray technician until she met my father. The two of them ran a successful laundromat business.

While my mother wanted a better life for herself, she also wanted us to have every opportunity she didn’t have. Growing up I felt a bit like a renaissance kid. My mother made sure I had piano, flute, ballet, arts and crafts, and swimming lessons – and many sports camps – tennis, volleyball, basketball, and even sailing.

As a child, I escaped through reading books and solving math problems. And even though my mother didn’t attend college she encouraged me to seek a career through higher education. I remember asking her what the difference between a college and a university was. This was before Google existed, and we didn’t know. So, she hired a college counselor to help me figure things out and ultimately find my way to Emory College and University of Chicago Business School.

As a young adult, I rebelled in every way possible. And to some extent, my education became my ticket out of Baltimore and a way to explore the greater world, different cultures, and find my own way. Which deep down my mother knew was different than hers.

Through my grieving process, I came to understand that I combined my father’s passion for business with my mother’s strong back bone to become an executive coach specializing in helping leaders develop executive presence and resiliency. And it’s not a coincidence that I married Brad, a non-materialistic, intellectual, hilarious, Jewish family man.

And I can see my parent’s values and skills playing out in the lives of our daughter Gabi, an artist, Zionist leader, and future physician and in my son, Ari, a code monkey who has formed a start-up with his cousin Josh, combining their brain power and relationship skills in the field of AI to hopefully one day make a small fortune.

And third: May we remember the moments of lightness my mother shared with her family, community, friends, and the world.

I will be forever grateful to Erna and Natasha, two sisters who came to my mother’s and our aid in my mother’s final stage of life when she started experiencing the symptoms of cognitive and physical decline.  In my opinion, Erna, Tasha, and ironically enough, Alzheimer’s, returned my mother to the truest sense of herself … someone who was unconditionally kind, thoughtful, and loving. When we spoke, she would often end the call by saying something like, “Do you need anything?” Or “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay.” And she recently told my son and nephew, “Don’t worry about about your career so much, just find a nice girl and have a good family, that’s all that really matters.”

Right before my mother passed away, my daughter Gabi and I went to see her. I could see how much she was suffering and how vulnerable she was, which made me realize that we’re all vulnerable. Despite our best efforts, none of us escape suffering or death. So, in the end, I was ready to forgive her, and it just came naturally. There was only love and a woman who had tried her best to give us what she never had and thought we needed for a better life. It takes a lifetime to understand someone, and in my case it really did. So many factors shape who we are and how we show up in the world – often influenced by forces beyond our own control.

So, in closing, I want to capture the values that mattered to my mother and may they live on in all of her descendants, and be her legacy …

• Family First. Be there for your family in sickness and in health, my mother was devoted to and took care of my father during two very serious illnesses.

• Honor Your Roots and Values, specifically community, volunteering, and donating to charities like Team Julia CMTA and charities that support Jewish causes and Israel.

• Work hard. Don’t Give Up. Be Resilient. Fall down nine times, get up ten.

• Stand Up for Yourself and Don’t Take Shit from Anyone. But be nice about (I’m adding this part!).

• Show Appreciation and Gratitude. Always write thank you notes.

• Appreciate Your Host or Hostess. On a recent trip to her twin sister’s home, my mother, even with Alzheimer’s, on the way out the door took a picture off of her own wall to bring because she didn’t want to show up empty handed!

• Love of Beauty and all joyful things – like sports, art, music, travel, and nature.

• Change is Possible. Everyone can change – in their own time and in their own way.

• And last but not least, Make Your Dog Your Best Friend.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. May my mother’s memory be for a blessing.

This month, I’d like to introduce you to The Drama Triangle, a psychological model that offers valuable insights into different relationship roles and dynamics, especially when conflict arises.

The Drama Triangle model not only illuminates potentially destructive relationship dynamics but also provides us with the tools need to break away from negative patterns and foster healthier relationships.

Learning about the Drama Triangle model has numerous benefits. It can help you improve your self-awareness, conflict management, social awareness (empathy), communication, boundary-setting, relationship management, and resilience.

And as a leader, whether in your workplace, community, or within your family, incorporating the Drama Triangle model into your toolkit can be a valuable asset for navigating conflicts more effectively. Moreover, this model empowers leaders to offer coaching and support to individuals who may be struggling with relationship challenges, ultimately contributing to the cultivation of a healthier organizational culture, as opposed to perpetuating cycles of drama and dysfunction.

What is The Drama Triangle Model?
This model sheds light on a normal human dynamic where we engage (triangulate) among three different mindsets or roles: the victim, persecutor, or rescuer. These roles represent patterns of communication and behavior that can be unhelpful and stem from fear–driven efforts to meet our needs, regain a sense of control and avoid feelings of uncertainty, vulnerability, and powerlessness.

While we may typically lean toward a preferred role or evoke certain roles in others, we are also capable of shifting among these three mindsets.

The Drama Triangle is a valuable model for understanding, taking ownership of, and reducing negative drama in our lives. It does so by helping us recognize the role we (and others) might be stuck in and offering guidance on how to break free from it.

Note1 – This model is based on Stephen Karpman’s drama model and the book Radical Responsibility by Fleet Maull, Ph.D. It reflects normal adult human behavior and is not relevant for children or someone who is truly victimized.

The Three Mindsets: Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer

Victim

• Description: In the Victim role, a person may find themselves dissatisfied with the course of their life and may attribute their dissatisfaction to external factors, which can include other individuals or challenging circumstances.
• Belief: They tend to believe their happiness depends on changes in circumstances beyond their control. For example, they might think, “I will be happy when person X, over whom I have no control, changes their behavior. “
• Mindset: This role often reflects a mindset characterized by perceived limitations, a sense of powerlessness, and moments of helplessness. Individuals in this role may employ this mindset to assert control or manipulate others.
• Context: It is often associated with a “Poor me” attitude.
• Actions: Behaviors associated with the Victim role can include complaining, blaming, seeking attention, throwing tantrums, and manipulating.
• Orientation: Typically, individuals in this role tend to focus on problems and complaints.
• Mode: Tends to be reactive and engages in blaming.
• Feelings: Those who embody the Victim role often experience feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, anxiety, fear, hurt, afraid, and depression.

Persecutor

• Description: Similar to the Victim, the Persecutor tends to attribute the cause of their feelings to external circumstances.
• Belief: This role is often activated by a fear–based strategy in which the person, feeling powerless and out of control, takes charge to regain a sense of control.
• Context: It is often associated with an “I’m right” attitude.
• Actions: Behaviors associated with the Persecutor role can include criticizing, judging, blaming, controlling, dominating, attacking, and abusing.
• Orientation: Typically, individuals in this role, tend to focus on problems and complaints.
• Mode: Tends to be reactive and inclined toward attacking behavior.
• Feelings: Those who embody the Persecutor role often experience anxiety, fear, anger, feelings of superiority, righteousness, and defensiveness.
• Underlying position: Victim.

Rescuer

• Description: The rescuer role involves the person playing the expert, hero, and fixer, frequently intervening to save people from themselves, even when it might not be needed. The Rescuer often seeks out individuals who play the Victim role.
• Belief: This behavior is not necessarily driven by a genuine desire to help but rather about fulfilling the rescuer’s own ego needs to feel needed or powerful. Rescuers may treat others as childlike and unable to take care of themselves.
• Context: It is often associated with an “I know” attitude.
• Actions: Behaviors associated with the Rescuer role can include helping, saving, fixing, enabling, colluding, and disempowering others.
• Orientation: Typically, individuals in this role, tend to focus on identifying problems and offering fixes/solutions, occasionally adopting a savior or martyr mentality.
• Mode: Tend to be reactive and centered around fixing.
• Feelings: Those who embody the Rescuer role often experience smugness, superiority, self–righteousness, heroism, unappreciation, and overwhelm.
• Underlying position: Victim.

How do I get out of or off the Drama Triangle?

• Step One: Recognize that you are in a drama triangle. Recognize the physiological signs of drama activation, become mindful of your emotional reactions and triggers, and identify what role you could become or are already caught in. For the victim role, warning signs include upset emotions (hurt, anxiety, anger, etc.), physical sensations (shallow breathing, constricted chest, sweaty palms, tension in the neck and shoulders), and thought patterns (involving narratives of powerlessness, injustice, etc.). For persecutor and rescuer roles, signs of drama activation may manifest in language, tone of voice, posture, and actions directed at others.

• Step Two: Stop. Don’t Act When Triggered. Your primary job is to self-regulate, stay calm, and not make the situation any worse. Make a personal commitment to not act when you’re triggered. Keep in mind the phrase, “When the blood has left your brain, it’s not the best time to make a decision!”

• Step Three: Take Space and Shift Your State. The next step involves state-shifting and engaging in a self–management strategy to intentionally release yourself from the trigger (fight, flight, or freeze response). This enables you to gain access to the rational decision–making capacity of your brain’s executive function. Self-management strategies encompass techniques such as taking ten deep breaths, straw breathing, practicing meditation, going for a walk or run, listening to soothing music, doing yoga or other movement exercises, speaking with a friend, getting out in nature, or journaling.

• Step Four: Own Your Feelings. This means getting in touch with your own emotional state and, instead of using blaming or projective language choosing “I” statements. For example, say, “I’m angry, hurt, or sad,” rather than “You’re always doing this to me.”

• Step Five: Identify Your Needs and Communicate Them Clearly (When Appropriate). Take some time to reflect on what underlying needs you perceive aren’t being met and if it’s appropriate, communicate them to the other person as information or as a request, but not a demand. Some examples of needs include love, respect, trusting relationship, autonomy, self–worth, creative expression, security, sense of purpose, and a connection to something larger than self. Make sure that you stick up for yourself by saying something like this and pausing as you say it, “I’m uncomfortable, can we take a break and come back when it’s more productive?”

• Step Six: Make A Boundary When Necessary. By establishing proper boundaries, we reduce chaos and suffering for ourselves and those around us. Boundaries involve knowing when to say yes and when to say no, both in our interactions with others and in our personal choices. These boundaries cultivate a sense of presence and protective energy. When you have well-defined, clear boundaries, people sense it, and individuals looking to stir up drama will typically avoid you and seek drama elsewhere.

This Month’s Personal Favorite Resources

• Click here to read the short article “We’ll Give Up a Lot to Share Experiences with Loved Ones, Study Shows” by Chris Carroll.

• Click here to read the Wall Street Journal article “What You Wish You’d Said: The Power of the Great Comeback Line” by Elizabeth Bernstein.

• Click here to listen to The Huberman Podcast with Dr Paul Conti: How to Understand Your Mental Health. It’s a super deep dive on happiness = agency + gratitude and they review how to explore and address the root causes of anxiety, low confidence, negative internal narratives, over-thinking and how our unconscious defense mechanisms operate (episode 1 of 4, 2 hours 40 minutes).

May your holiday season and 2024 be filled with light, joy, and a miracle or two!

My heart is broken. I am an American Jew who has lived in Israel and I have many Israeli friends and family, here in the US and in Israel. I Stand with Israel.

There’s so much to express, and yet words escape me. That is why I’m sharing this heartfelt Facebook post written by my dear friend Alexandra, for her words capture the sentiment more beautifully than I ever could.

To provide some context, the night before the attack on Israel by Hamas we were celebrating Alexandra’s birthday. On the morning of the attack, Barak, Alexandra’s husband, coincidentally happened to be on a plane flying to Israel for business. Alexandra and Barak’s eldest are Gabriel, is a commander with the paratroopers in the Israeli Defense Forces. They have two other children, Gefen and Luna. Thank you in advance for reading it.

Sending everyone prayers for peace and ease, and may there be more humanity and less suffering in the world.

Hello Friends,

I haven’t been much on social media for quite some time now, but given recent events, an update feels overdue. Thank you for your support and concern about Gabriel, our eldest, who is a commander with the paratroopers in the Israeli Defense Forces. We are not always able to be in touch with him or know where he is, but when I do get to hear his voice (or hear that he spoke with Gefen or Luna), it is the best part of my day. He called yesterday (late last night for me, morning for him), and I fought off sleep while listening to his voice. I slept for six hours in a row after that.

Barak was in the air above Tel Aviv when Hamas attacked. After hours of indecisive circling United finally landed, so the plane could be used to evacuate people and return the many reservists around the world home to protect their country. Once Barak hit the ground he and his employees went straight to the Schneider Pediatric Hospital to help a friend move equipment and non-ambulatory pediatric patients two floors down into the bomb shelters. Since then he and his childhood buddies have been driving wherever they can to buy IDF approved gear – armored vests, tactical helmets, water pouches, Leathermans, caffeine pills and more – from any store they could find with goods left on their shelves and deliver them any way they could to various bases and units to help outfit the hundreds of thousands of reservists called up for duty and to give the IDF a moment to catch up, which they now have.

I also want you to understand where I stand. I am an American Israeli and a Zioness. I belong to a Muslim-Jewish sisterhood because I care deeply about building bridges between our communities both here and in the Middle East and I value their friendship and the dialogue we have been working to grow. I believe deeply in ‘win-win,’ not “us vs them” in any forum. I don’t have much faith in mainstream media any longer so I read multiple sources, The Free Press, or the Times of Israel. I subscribe to but am often deeply disappointed in the NYT, although I do play Connections and Spelling Bee and the Mini every morning. I protested the current uber right-wing government in Tel Aviv, in Jerusalem, and even last week in NYC. But none of that is relevant to what is happening right now in Israel.

None of that plays into what we are dealing with now because this barbaric attack on Israel is not about the Palestinian – Israeli conflict. These are not militants, these are terrorists. Terrorists whose very charter demands our destruction “from the river (Jordan) to the (Mediterranean) sea.” Terrorists who infiltrated our country – the one and only country that was created by the UN as a guaranteed safe haven for Jews after generations and generations of violent pogroms and the Holocaust. Thousands of Hamas terrorists broke through the fence between Israel and Gaza, walked around villages and kibbutzim, shooting civilians indiscriminately. They set fire to houses to smoke out families hiding in safe rooms, they burned babies in cribs shooting and beheading others, they targeted girls with mass monkfish, slaughtered over 260 youth who were dancing at a rave in the woods, they dragged infants and children and mothers and grandparents into Gaza to stand unspeakable horrors…and then they proudly recorded, celebrated and distributed these acts to the world.

Come to a simcha at any synagogue – we throw candy when our children read from Torah. Hamas throws candy as they parade bloodied and naked Jews down the streets of Gaza. My son, his commanders, and his soldiers are cleaning up those kibbutzim and villages while securing them from continued infiltrations. Counting the dead. Trying to identify body parts. Logging who is missing and who is presumed to be in Gaza experiencing unspeakable torture that, Hamas promises, will be streamed to the world on Instagram and Tiktok.

To quote Noa Tishby, “whoever you are, whatever your values ​​are, if you can not unequivocally condemn this, you can never again claim to care about human rights or human life.”

Thank you for taking the time to read this, for understanding what I am trying to convey, and for the love and support you have all been giving us. Please keep the people of Israel, including my husband and our eldest, in your hearts.

                                                                                                                                                               – Alexandra Haber Bar-Cohen

This month, I’m writing about Seven New Rules About Emotions at Work. You might notice that I underlined the word “new”! When I attended Chicago Booth business school from 1990 to 1992, we were taught to keep emotions out of the workplace. Interestingly, I now work as a leadership coach in the Wharton MBA program, where students are not only evaluated on their ability to manage their own emotions but also on their ability to read and manage the emotions of others. What a shift!

The following seven rules on how to manage emotions in the workplace for improved outcomes and reduced burnout are derived from two co-authored books by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy: “No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work” and “Big Feelings: How to Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay.”

Seven New Rules About Emotions at Work:

1. Be Less Passionate About Your Job: This doesn’t imply having a job that you don’t like or disengaging at work. Instead, it means prioritizing your mental and physical well-being over your job. It’s about finding balance and dedicating time and energy to activities outside of work that bring you joy and purpose. This way, you can come to work refreshed and enthusiastic, rather than feeling overwhelmed and burnt out.

2. Inspire Yourself: This is about autonomy and focusing on what you can control and find meaningful to maintain motivation at work. For leaders, it means establishing clear objectives for your team members and direct reports instead of insisting on strict processes to enhance your colleague’s engagement and motivation. Additionally, it involves connecting with aspects of your job that you find meaningful, interesting, and enjoyable to cultivate a deeper sense of purpose. If you’re in a toxic work environment and this situation persists for an extended period, it can be challenging to find meaning, and it may be time to explore other opportunities.

3. Emotion is Part of the Equation: By being aware of and acknowledging your feelings, you can make better decisions. This involves processing and regulating your emotions (or temporarily setting them aside) so that they don’t negatively impact your actions and interactions.

4. Psychological Safety First: This is when everyone in the group feels they can suggest ideas, admit mistakes, and take risks without fear of embarrassment or punishment. One suggestion is for leaders and their teams to set aside time during meetings to discuss challenges and what’s not going well. Another idea is for managers to share their own vulnerability, mistakes, and lessons learned with their teams.

5. Your Feelings Aren’t Facts: Our feelings, reactions, judgments, and conclusions are often based on false assumptions. Make sure to give yourself enough space and time to check your assumptions and interpretations before responding.

6. Emotional Culture Cascades from You: Emotions have a way of spreading, even among people who don’t know each other. Consequently, we all share the responsibility of being mindful of and regulating our own emotions.

7. Be Selectively Vulnerable: To maintain professionalism and enhance effectiveness, it’s crucial for everyone to carefully choose the emotions they reveal and the people with whom they share them. Leaders, in particular, bear the responsibility of thoughtfully selecting the emotions they convey to their teams and providing a positive direction to keep colleagues motivated and engaged.

When it comes to emotions at work and in life, I found it fascinating to learn that women are biologically wired to shed more tears than men. Under a microscope, cells from women’s tear glands exhibit distinct differences from those of men – women have shallower tear ducts, which is why women tend to cry more easily than men. Understanding this biological difference can help us create a more inclusive work environment where emotions are recognized as a natural part of human expression. This in turn, contributes to building a more supportive workplace culture that benefits men and women.

A Deeper Dive Into Emotions at Work

• Click here to learn more about the book “No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work” co-authored by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy.

• Click here to learn more about the book”Big Feelings: How to Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay” co-authored by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy.

• Click here to listen to How to Handle Your Emotions at Work | Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy on Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris (90 minutes).