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We must always take sides.

Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.

Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

– Elie Wiesel

Life has been filled with challenges and sad news lately including aging and ill parents and learning that our family pet has bone cancer. Because of this, I’ve been thinking a lot about the term “radical acceptance” and what it means. The best definition I can come up with for radical acceptance is letting go of wanting things – that is people, situations, events, emotions, and even thoughts – to be the way we want them to be. Many, maybe even most, things are beyond our control. Understanding this, I then deliberately focus on things that are within my control: being present to the truth of things and doing my best to show up with respect, kindness, integrity, patience, and a sense of humor.

Both Mary Oliver’s Poem “Wild Geese” and The Serenity Prayer have helped me embrace the concept of radical acceptance, so I share them with you below.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting– over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference.

This month, I want to write about what Dan Buettner and National Geographic learned when they studied the world’s healthiest, longest-lived people – was it their lifestyle, environment, or genes?

Their most important finding was that lifestyle and environment had the biggest impact on life expectancy, with genes only determining about 20%. They identified five “blue zones,” which include Okinawa, Japan; Sardinia, Italy; Nicoya, Costa Rica, Ikaria, Greece; and Loma Linda, California, that have the world’s healthiest, longest-living populations (on average, living eight years longer than Americans).

A team of medical researchers, anthropologists, demographers, and epidemiologists searched for evidence-based common denominators among the five blue zones and found nine common factors that had a positive impact on life expectancy and quality of health. These health benefits include a reduction in inflammation, which leads to decreases in diabetes, less dementia, and improved cardiovascular health. Another key finding was that people in these blue zones do not actively try to live longer, but their environments promote a richer quality of life and longer life expectancy.

Power 9^® Reverse Engineering Longevity By Dan Buettner (click here for the diagram)

1). Move Naturally: The world’s longest-lived people don’t pump iron, run marathons, or join gyms. Instead, they live in environments that constantly nudge them into moving without thinking about it. They grow gardens and don’t have mechanical conveniences for house and yard work.

2). Purpose: The Okinawans call it “Ikigai” and the Nicoyans call it “plan de vida;” for both, it translates to “why I wake up in the morning.” Knowing your sense of purpose is worth up to seven years of extra life expectancy.

3). Downshift: Even people in the Blue Zones experience stress. Stress leads to chronic inflammation, associated with every major age-related disease. What the world’s longest-lived people have that we don’t are routines to shed that stress. Okinawans take a few moments each day to remember their ancestors, Adventists pray, Ikarians take a nap, and Sardinians do happy hour.

4). 80% Rule: “Hara hachi bu” — the Okinawan, 2,500-year-old Confucian mantra reminds them to stop eating when their stomachs are 80 percent full. The 20% gap between not being hungry and feeling full could be the difference between losing weight or gaining it. People in the blue zones eat their smallest meal in the late afternoon or early evening and then they don’t eat any more the rest of the day.

5). Plant Slant: Beans, including fava, black, soy and lentils, are the cornerstone of most centenarian diets. Meat — mostly pork — is eaten on average only five times per month. Serving sizes are 3-4 oz., about the size of a deck of cards. A high–fiber diet helps facilitate good gut bacteria.

6). Wine @ 5: People in all blue zones (except the Adventists) drink alcohol moderately and regularly. Moderate drinkers outlive non-drinkers. Over 85% of the men drink every day. The trick is to drink 1-2 glasses per day (preferably Sardinian Cannonau wine), with friends and/or with food. And no, you can’t save up all week and have 14 drinks on Saturday.

7). Belong: All but five of the 263 centenarians we interviewed belonged to some faith-based community. Denomination doesn’t seem to matter. Research shows that attending faith-based services four times per month will add 4-14 years of life expectancy.

8). Loved Ones First: Successful centenarians in the blue zones put their families first. This means keeping aging parents and grandparents nearby or in the home (it lowers disease and mortality rates of children in the home too). They commit to a life partner (which can add up to 3 years of life expectancy) and invest in their children with time and love (they’ll be more likely to care for you when the time comes).

9). Right Tribe: The world’s longest-lived people chose — or were born into — social circles that supported healthy behaviors, Okinawans created “moais”— groups of five friends who committed to each other for life. Research from the Framingham Studies shows that smoking, obesity, happiness, and even loneliness are contagious. So, the social networks of long-lived people have favorably shaped their health behaviors.

Based on their findings, I’m suggesting a couple of easy, healthy lifestyle habits to incorporate into your life to increase your lifespan and health:

• Get clear about your life purpose, be able to articulate it, and live each day intentionally.
• Move throughout your day: take mini-walks, walk instead of driving, or park your car a distance from your destination so you can take a few extra steps.
• Prioritize stress relief and rest such as taking frequent naps and getting 7-10 hours of sleep a night.
• Eat a mostly whole food, plant-based diet that includes beans as a cornerstone, include small amounts of meat, and eat until you’re about 80% full, with your smallest meal in the evening.
• Connect with community, maintain quality relationships, and have a good support system.
• Drink water, tea, coffee, and wine (preferably Sardinian Cannonau wine), in moderation. To fight off loneliness, if you do have a glass of wine, make sure you drink with friends rather than alone.
• Shape and make sure that your environment supports a healthy lifestyle. Keep in mind that there are no quick fixes and that it takes a daily commitment to create an environment that makes it easy for you to establish healthy habits.

For more information about living a longer and more vibrant life: 

• Click here for Longevity Secrets (And Controversies) from Blue Zones with Dan Buettner on Ten Percent Happier Podcast with Dan Harris (74 minutes)
• Click here to read “The Blue Zones Secrets for Living Longer: Lessons from the Healthiest Places on Earth” by Dan Buettner.
• Click here for Dan Buettner’s website BlueZones.com.
• Check out Netflix for “Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones,” a one season Documentary with Dan Buettner.

I hope this finds you well and that you are enjoying this lovely spring weather!

Recently, clients have been sharing their feelings of being overwhelmed, drained, and stressed out due to global conflicts, domestic politics, business pressures, limited resources, and constant time demands, to name a few. Unfortunately, divisiveness and hatred also seem pervasive. The challenge for all leaders – whether in organizations, communities, or in our own personal lives, is to clearly see the world as it is, and, at the same time do the “work” to show up with a spirit of positivity, confidence, kindness, and even joy.

Given that energy and mind states are contagious, leaders face the challenging task of maintaining a positive outlook to motivate and inspire their teams to stay positive and perform at their best, despite the circumstances.

This month, I want to share some resources to help you maintain a positive mind state, cultivate more joy, and serve as a good role model for others.

Here are a few favorite client articles and worksheets:

• Click here for Gratitude as a Super Power. Learn more about how a gratitude practice and mindset leads to enhancements in well-being, resilience, social relationships, sleep quality, stress, and depression.
• Click here for Why A.W.E. Matters and How to Access It. Based on the book The Power of AWE: Overcome Burnout & Anxiety, Ease Chronic Pain, Find Clarity & Purpose – In Less than 1 Minute Per Day. Learn more about how A.W.E. leads to enhancements in energy, your mind state, the nervous system, presence, and life satisfaction.
• Click here for Whole Brain Living. Learn more about how Whole Brain Living concept leads to enhancements in self-awareness, agency, and emotional-regulation.
• Click here for Your Aging Brain and a Happy, Successful Life. Learn more about the happiness portfolio and the four most important habits of the happiest people.
• Click here to Rewire Your Inborn Negativity Bias with these meditations. Feel free to adapt and make the worksheet your own. It’s a bit like brainwashing – out with the old and in with the new.
• Click here to learn more about Activities that Give You or Drain Your Energy by identifying your energy boosters and drainers. With enhanced self-awareness, you are then able add (or eliminate) activities so you feel more fulfilled, centered, and happy.

I hope this finds you well and that you are enjoying this lovely spring weather!

Last week, I had the pleasure of listening to Charles Duhigg discuss the science of supercommunication on my favorite podcast, Ten Percent Happier, As I listened to Duhigg, I became intrigued by his concept of supercommunication and the research behind it, which led me to purchase his new book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Language of Connection.

Duhigg describes a supercommunicator as someone who has deeply thought about how to communicate and excels at:

• Making others feel listened to, understood, and leaving them feeling better after the conversation.
• Engaging in conversation, establishing flow, and inviting others to participate.
• Breaking through and establishing connections even in the most unlikely of situations.

He goes on to say that supercommunicators aren’t born; they are made. Anyone committed to learning the skills can become a supercommunicator, whether at work or at home. Ronald Reagan and Steve Jobs serve as examples of great communicators who didn’t start out that way but learned to master the art of supercommunication. Additionally, no particular personality type makes someone a better communicator than another; it’s simply a learned skill.

Summarized below are some tips on how become a supercommunicator.

When communicating, we typically engage in one or a combination of three types of conversations: practical, emotional, and social. The key is to ‘match’ your communication style with the individuals you’re interacting with. This concept from Duhigg really resonated with me because I hadn’t previously considered it, yet it makes perfect sense!

1. Practical conversations focus on decision-making, planning, or problem-solving. What is this really about?
2. Emotional conversations involve understanding and sharing emotions. How do we feel?
3. Social conversations explore identity, relationships, societal beliefs, and personal experiences that shape who we are. Who are we? Where did we grow up? What do we do?

There are four rules for having a meaningful conversation.

1. Pay attention to the type of conversation taking place. Is it a practical, emotional, or social conversation?
2. Share your goals and inquire about the goals of the others involved.
3. Ask about others’ feelings and share your own, when appropriate.
4. Explore whether identities are relevant to the discussion. This is particularly relevant during social conversations. Acknowledging each party’s differences helps understand each other better.

Learn how to ask the right kinds of deep questions.

• Supercommunicators ask 10-20 times more questions than the average person.
• Ask deep questions that show interest in the other person’s values, beliefs, or experiences.
• Deep questions don’t need to seem so deep. For example, you can ask, “What did you make of that?” Or “What was that like?” And you can encourage more conversation, by simply saying, “Tell me more”.

Learn and practice the skill of listening for understanding or looping (checking back with the other person to see if you have listened and understood correctly).

• Demonstrate active listening to prove that you are engaged. This can be achieved by paraphrasing, reflecting on what you’ve heard, asking deep questions, summarizing in your own words, and confirming understanding.
• When we listen to someone without interrupting, it releases dopamine in the speaker’s brain. This fosters a sense of connection and increases the likelihood that they will be receptive to what you have to say.
• Shift from self-focus to other focus, emphasizing the importance of empathy. By prioritizing understanding and consideration for others, we foster deeper connections and mutual understanding.
• Click here to take a deeper dive and learn more about the practice of “looping”.

Master the art of good story telling.

• Ensure that every story includes a beginning, middle and end. Often, we overlook the middle part, resulting in an ineffective story.
• The arch in the middle is crucial; it’s where the magic happens. It provides the listener with an opportunity to learn something and see the idea in action.

Additional resources with links to explore further.

• Click here to learn more about the book ‘Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Language of Connection’ by Charles Duhigg.

• Click here for The Science of Effective Communication with Charles Duhigg on Ten Percent Happier Podcast with Dan Harris (70 minutes)

• Click here with Charles Duhigg on Supercommunicators on A Bit of Optimism Podcast with Simon Sinek (29 minutes)

• Click here for How Supercommunicators Unlock the Secrets of Connection with Charles Duhigg and Stanford Graduate School of Business lecturer Matt Abrahams (35 minutes)

• Click here to read How to Have More Meaningful Conversations by Charles Duhigg in Time Magazine (5 minutes)

• Click here for Charles Duhigg and Supercommunicators on NPR with Scott Detrow (9 minutes)

It only takes a reminder to breathe,

a moment to be still, and just like that,

something in me settles, softens, makes

space for imperfection. The harsh voice

of judgment drops to a whisper and I

remember again that life isn’t a relay

race; that we will all cross the finish

line; that waking up to life is what we

were born for. As many times as I forget,

catch myself charging forward

without even knowing where I’m going,

that many times I can make the choice

to stop, to breathe, and be, and walk

slowly into the mystery

–  Walk Slowly poem by Danna Faulds

Lately i have found myself wanting to rush

my way to the ending of things

interactions

experiences

feelings

silience

right now

i am in the practice of not pushing so hard

rather

dropping back into my body

taking the extra moments to really feel my feet on the ground

and being with my breath and what i find there

in its wholeness

– Be Here, Now by Danielle Doby

I hope this message finds you well as you step into 2024.

This month, I’m writing about a more personal aspect of my life than I usually do, the passing of my mother on December 19, 2023, and the eulogy I shared at her funeral and memorial.

As some of my friends and family know, my relationship with my mother, Geraldine Elaine Quartner, was complicated. At some point, I had to come to terms with who she was and understand the circumstances that shaped her into the person and mother she became – factors probably beyond her control. I chose to forgive her and recognize that she did the best she could with the resources available to her.

When I spoke at my mother’s funeral and memorial, my intention was to be honest about my experience, compassionate, add a bit of humor, and highlight her positive qualities that I hope will live on in her descendants.

Throughout my grieving process, I found comfort in two guided meditations: one on forgiveness and another called the Four Reflections. The latter addresses the preciousness of human life, the inevitability of death, the certainty of suffering, and the impact of our thoughts, words, and actions. Feel free to email me if you’d like to explore either of these practices.

If you are interested, the eulogy I shared is below and click here to read my mother’s obituary.

Kind regards,

Cathy

—-

Thank you for joining us this evening. It means a lot to have friends and family here with us during this time. As many of you are aware, my relationship with my mother was quite complicated so, in tonight’s talk about my mother’s life, I’d like to convey three things:

• First: may my mother’s memory be for a blessing and may her positive qualities live on in her children, grandchildren, and their descendants.

• Second: to honor that my mother did her best and wanted to make sure we had everything she didn’t have. And to recognize the importance of forgiveness and understand that it can take a lifetime, at least in my case, to fully understand where someone was coming from, what forces shaped who they were, and what gifts they had to offer.

• Third: to honor and remember the moments of lightness my mother shared with her family, community, friends, and the world.

First: May my mother’s good qualities live on in all her descendants.

Growing up we were all afraid of and in awe of my mother. She was beautiful, fiercely competitive, always an optimist, and pretty tough on us. She was an operational genius with a creative flair.

The superpowers my mother gave the three of us, my sister Rachael, my brother Jonathan, and me, live on in her grandchildren today. These include a strong backbone, a sense of confidence, a positive and can-do attitude, and the ability to believe in and stand up for oneself.

My mother would often brag to anyone who would listen to her that she raised us to be independent and able to navigate any tough situation. That in fact, we could be dropped anywhere in the Sahara Desert, the largest hot desert in the world, and find our way out. She was very proud of this fact.

Now, let me share a story about how my mother’s backbone, inherited from her own mother, continues to live on in my son, Ari, and daughter, Gabi …

During high school, Ari had a track and field coach who was a bit of a bully, and everyone, including the parents, was afraid of him. Ari had been experiencing severe back pain as a result of the long distance runs. And after finishing up the first part of his practice one day, Ari informed his coach that he couldn’t proceed with the second part of the practice, the long-distance run due to the pain and was scheduled for a CAT scan the next day. The coach responded by stating that in his time, that wouldn’t have been okay. That, in fact, the coach would have continued running despite the pain and injury. Ari looked him in the eye and responded, “Well coach, I guess they just don’t make them like they used to.”

Now I’ll share a story about Gabi, which as two parts.

Part one … Ari played clarinet in middle school and had a special recital that required him to complete three practices in order to attend. No exceptions. And even though I had the practices on my calendar, I completely forgot about them. So when Ari came home from school that day he told me he was no longer able to participate in the recital. He was very upset. So, I did what most parents would do, and called the orchestra teacher and told him I had screwed up, it was 100% my fault, not Ari’s, and asked him to make an exception. He absolutely refused to budge. He said he wouldn’t make an exception for Ari because then he would have to do that for other kids. Then I said, “Can I ask you a question, do you have kids?” And he said, “Yes.” And I said, “Have you ever made a really careless, stupid mistake that your kids had to pay for?” And then he said, “Okay – Ari can still make the recital, just don’t tell anyone.”

Part two of this story is with the same orchestra teacher …In middle school, when Gabi was about 12 years old, she played stand-up bass. She was at practice one day and a classmate shared that the orchestra teacher had just taken a picture of Gabi leaning against her stand-up bass, without her permission. When Gabi heard this, she marched over to the teacher and informed him how inappropriate it was to take a picture of her without her permission, demanded to see his phone, had him erase the picture, and told him she would report him to the authorities. She was 12 years old. Within an hour, I received a frantic call from the orchestra teacher worried that he was going to lose his job and his pension. I am definitely proud of what Gabi did, and yet I did have to deal with a very frightened teacher and remind him that it was me, Ari’s mom, and I owed him one because he let Ari attend that special recital. He still didn’t seem too relieved and called me once more to check back in.

Second: Our mother tried to provide us with a better life than she had.

My mother came from humble means. Her father worked as a truck driver and later a cab driver, while her mother, was a beautician. She was born on October 25, 1943, and my grandfather tells the story that when my grandmother gave birth, the doctor congratulated him on having a girl and then handed him some whiskey, suggesting he sit down and take a shot because there was another one on the way. And from then on, my mother and her identical twin sister Harriet became known as “the twins”. My mother and her twin were an unshakeable force. They had their own secret language as children, and throughout their lives, they never ventured more than a few miles from each other. Growing up, I intuitively understood that this was and would always have been my mother’s closest connection and relationship.

When my mother referred to her upbringing, she would talk about cardboard in her shoes and wearing hand me down clothing. She desperately wanted to make a better life for herself, so she started her adult life as an x-ray technician until she met my father. The two of them ran a successful laundromat business.

While my mother wanted a better life for herself, she also wanted us to have every opportunity she didn’t have. Growing up I felt a bit like a renaissance kid. My mother made sure I had piano, flute, ballet, arts and crafts, and swimming lessons – and many sports camps – tennis, volleyball, basketball, and even sailing.

As a child, I escaped through reading books and solving math problems. And even though my mother didn’t attend college she encouraged me to seek a career through higher education. I remember asking her what the difference between a college and a university was. This was before Google existed, and we didn’t know. So, she hired a college counselor to help me figure things out and ultimately find my way to Emory College and University of Chicago Business School.

As a young adult, I rebelled in every way possible. And to some extent, my education became my ticket out of Baltimore and a way to explore the greater world, different cultures, and find my own way. Which deep down my mother knew was different than hers.

Through my grieving process, I came to understand that I combined my father’s passion for business with my mother’s strong back bone to become an executive coach specializing in helping leaders develop executive presence and resiliency. And it’s not a coincidence that I married Brad, a non-materialistic, intellectual, hilarious, Jewish family man.

And I can see my parent’s values and skills playing out in the lives of our daughter Gabi, an artist, Zionist leader, and future physician and in my son, Ari, a code monkey who has formed a start-up with his cousin Josh, combining their brain power and relationship skills in the field of AI to hopefully one day make a small fortune.

And third: May we remember the moments of lightness my mother shared with her family, community, friends, and the world.

I will be forever grateful to Erna and Natasha, two sisters who came to my mother’s and our aid in my mother’s final stage of life when she started experiencing the symptoms of cognitive and physical decline.  In my opinion, Erna, Tasha, and ironically enough, Alzheimer’s, returned my mother to the truest sense of herself … someone who was unconditionally kind, thoughtful, and loving. When we spoke, she would often end the call by saying something like, “Do you need anything?” Or “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay.” And she recently told my son and nephew, “Don’t worry about about your career so much, just find a nice girl and have a good family, that’s all that really matters.”

Right before my mother passed away, my daughter Gabi and I went to see her. I could see how much she was suffering and how vulnerable she was, which made me realize that we’re all vulnerable. Despite our best efforts, none of us escape suffering or death. So, in the end, I was ready to forgive her, and it just came naturally. There was only love and a woman who had tried her best to give us what she never had and thought we needed for a better life. It takes a lifetime to understand someone, and in my case it really did. So many factors shape who we are and how we show up in the world – often influenced by forces beyond our own control.

So, in closing, I want to capture the values that mattered to my mother and may they live on in all of her descendants, and be her legacy …

• Family First. Be there for your family in sickness and in health, my mother was devoted to and took care of my father during two very serious illnesses.

• Honor Your Roots and Values, specifically community, volunteering, and donating to charities like Team Julia CMTA and charities that support Jewish causes and Israel.

• Work hard. Don’t Give Up. Be Resilient. Fall down nine times, get up ten.

• Stand Up for Yourself and Don’t Take Shit from Anyone. But be nice about (I’m adding this part!).

• Show Appreciation and Gratitude. Always write thank you notes.

• Appreciate Your Host or Hostess. On a recent trip to her twin sister’s home, my mother, even with Alzheimer’s, on the way out the door took a picture off of her own wall to bring because she didn’t want to show up empty handed!

• Love of Beauty and all joyful things – like sports, art, music, travel, and nature.

• Change is Possible. Everyone can change – in their own time and in their own way.

• And last but not least, Make Your Dog Your Best Friend.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. May my mother’s memory be for a blessing.