One of the most common issues clients share with me is their struggle with individuals whose behaviors create conflict and chaos, making communication and everyday life difficult rather than fostering collaboration and ease.
This month, I am sharing resources created by Bill Eddy–a lawyer, therapist, and mediator–to help navigate these difficult individuals and situations.
Eddy defines a high-conflict individual (HCI) as someone who exhibits an ongoing pattern of behaviors that increase conflict rather than resolve it. These individuals make up about 10% of the population and they often struggle with emotional regulation, display rigid thinking, and find it difficult to accept responsibility for problems. Their actions tend to escalate disputes and create tension in relationships, both personally and professionally.
Eddy’s strategies focus on reducing conflict, promoting cooperation, and fostering healthy communication. He emphasizes empathy, respect, and boundary-setting as essential tools for effectively managing high-conflict situations. The frameworks Eddy outlines below are not only widely applicable when working with high-conflict individuals but also serve as valuable resources for enhancing communication in general and across all interactions, both professional and personal.
Below are Eddy’s communication frameworks and strategies: BIFF, EAR, New Ways for Professionals (formerly New Ways for Families), Soothing Statements, Avoid Triggering Responses, CARS, and The Four Forgets.
1. BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm)
The BIFF method is a communication framework designed to handle difficult conversations or written communication, particularly with high-conflict individuals.
- Brief: Keep the response short and to the point, avoiding unnecessary details or arguments.
- Informative: Focus on providing relevant, neutral information. Avoid opinions, emotions, or blame.
- Friendly: Maintain a polite and respectful tone, regardless of the other person’s behavior.
- Firm: Set boundaries and end the communication clearly, without inviting further unnecessary discussion.
BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) Example
If someone sends an aggressive email, you might reply: “Thank you for your email. I understand your concerns. The next steps are outlined in the attached document. Please let me know if you have any further questions. Best regards, [Your Name].”
2. EAR (Empathy, Attention, Respect)
The EAR approach is used to de-escalate high-conflict situations by fostering a sense of understanding and mutual respect.
- Empathy: Show understanding of the other person’s feelings or experience.
- Attention: Actively listen and give your full attention to their concerns.
- Respect: Maintain respect in your tone and actions, regardless of their behavior.
EAR Example:
If someone is upset, you might say: “I can see this is really frustrating for you, and I want to help. Let’s go through this together.”
3. New Ways for Professionals (formerly New Ways for Families)
This is a structured method Eddy developed for managing conflict in family settings. This concept is also useful in professional settings. It emphasizes skills-building in four key areas:
- Flexible Thinking: Encourage open-mindedness and alternatives.
- Managed Emotions: Focus on controlling emotional responses.
- Moderate Behaviors: Promote calm and reasonable actions.
- Checking Yourself: Teach individuals to assess their own role in conflicts.
4. Soothing Statements
Eddy suggests using calming language to diffuse anger or defensiveness.
Examples include:
- “I hear what you’re saying.”
- “That’s an interesting perspective.”
- “I’ll think about that.”
These statements help avoid escalation and signal to the other person that they’ve been heard without agreeing or arguing.
5. Avoid Triggering Responses
Eddy advises avoiding behaviors that provoke further conflict, such as:
- Defending yourself too much.
- Arguing or correcting their perceptions.
- Minimizing their feelings.
Instead, use strategies like BIFF or EAR to manage the interaction constructively.
6. CARS (Connecting, Analyzing Options, Responding, Setting Limits)
This framework is designed for working through conflict with high-conflict individuals:
- Connecting: Establish rapport with empathy and respect and create a foundation for constructive dialogue.
- Analyzing Options: Collaborate to identify potential solutions without judgment or defensiveness.
- Responding: Respond clearly and calmly, using BIFF if needed.
- Setting Limits: Set and enforce boundaries assertively but respectfully.
The Four Forgets: Outlines common assumptions people often forget when dealing with high-conflict individuals (HCIs). These “forgets” highlight the typical reactions and expectations that can escalate conflict instead of resolving it. By recognizing and avoiding these pitfalls, one can approach HCIs with realistic expectations and effective strategies, helping to manage interactions constructively.
1. Forget About Insight
- What it Means: Don’t expect high-conflict individuals to gain self-awareness or insight into their own behavior. HCIs often lack the ability or willingness to reflect on their actions or recognize their contribution to conflicts.
- Why This Matters: Trying to “make them see reason” or understand their impact is usually futile and can lead to further frustration or escalation.
- What to Do Instead: Focus on managing the situation rather than attempting to change their perspective or behavior.
2. Forget About Change
- What it Means: Don’t assume that high-conflict individuals will change their behavior, even with explanations, logic, or feedback. Their patterns are often deeply ingrained.
- Why This Matters: Expecting rapid or meaningful change from an HCI can lead to disappointment and ineffective interactions.
- What to Do Instead: Set clear boundaries and focus on managing the current conflict rather than trying to “fix” them.
3. Forget About Forgiveness
- What it Means: Don’t expect HCIs to forgive or let go of grievances easily–if at all. They often hold onto blame and perceived injustices, often obsessively.
- Why This Matters: Hoping for reconciliation or forgiveness may be unrealistic, and pushing for it can reignite tensions.
- What to Do Instead: Accept that they may not move past their grievances and focus on resolving the situation in a way that minimizes further conflict.
4. Forget About Agreement
- What it Means: Don’t expect HCIs to reach mutual agreement or compromise easily. They are often rigid in their views and unwilling to negotiate in good faith.
- Why This Matters: Trying to force consensus can lead to more arguments or a complete breakdown in communication.
- What to Do Instead: Aim for clear communication and realistic outcomes. Set limits where necessary and focus on achieving what is feasible rather than complete agreement.
How to Apply the Four Forgets: When dealing with HCIs, it’s important to adjust expectations and focus on what can be managed:
- Use frameworks like BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm): Communicate effectively and minimize escalation by keeping responses clear and focused.
- Prioritize boundary-setting: Protect yourself and maintain structure by setting and enforcing clear limits.
- Stay emotionally regulated: Rely on strategies to self-manage and avoid the temptation to escalate or mirror their behaviors, maintaining your composure throughout interactions.
- Focus on practical solutions: Aim for achievable outcomes rather than striving for emotional resolution or complete agreement.
Additional Resources:
- Click here to listen to Huberman Lab Podcast with Bill Eddy: How to Deal with High Conflict People (2 hours, 39 minutes)
- Click here to learn more about Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter of the Conflict Institute