Blog

One of the most common issues clients share with me is their struggle with individuals whose behaviors create conflict and chaos, making communication and everyday life difficult rather than fostering collaboration and ease.

This month, I am sharing resources created by Bill Eddy–a lawyer, therapist, and mediator–to help navigate these difficult individuals and situations.

Eddy defines a high-conflict individual (HCI) as someone who exhibits an ongoing pattern of behaviors that increase conflict rather than resolve it. These individuals make up about 10% of the population and they often struggle with emotional regulation, display rigid thinking, and find it difficult to accept responsibility for problems. Their actions tend to escalate disputes and create tension in relationships, both personally and professionally.

Eddy’s strategies focus on reducing conflict, promoting cooperation, and fostering healthy communication. He emphasizes empathy, respect, and boundary-setting as essential tools for effectively managing high-conflict situations. The frameworks Eddy outlines below are not only widely applicable when working with high-conflict individuals but also serve as valuable resources for enhancing communication in general and across all interactions, both professional and personal.

Below are Eddy’s communication frameworks and strategies: BIFF, EAR, New Ways for Professionals (formerly New Ways for Families), Soothing Statements, Avoid Triggering Responses, CARS, and The Four Forgets.

1.    BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm)

The BIFF method is a communication framework designed to handle difficult conversations or written communication, particularly with high-conflict individuals.

• Brief: Keep the response short and to the point, avoiding unnecessary details or arguments.
• Informative: Focus on providing relevant, neutral information. Avoid opinions, emotions, or blame.
• Friendly: Maintain a polite and respectful tone, regardless of the other person’s behavior.
• Firm: Set boundaries and end the communication clearly, without inviting further unnecessary discussion.

BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) Example

If someone sends an aggressive email, you might reply: “Thank you for your email. I understand your concerns. The next steps are outlined in the attached document. Please let me know if you have any further questions. Best regards, [Your Name].”

2.    EAR (Empathy, Attention, Respect)

The EAR approach is used to de-escalate high-conflict situations by fostering a sense of understanding and mutual respect.

• Empathy: Show understanding of the other person’s feelings or experience.
• Attention: Actively listen and give your full attention to their concerns.
• Respect: Maintain respect in your tone and actions, regardless of their behavior.

EAR Example:

If someone is upset, you might say: “I can see this is really frustrating for you, and I want to help. Let’s go through this together.”

3.    New Ways for Professionals (formerly New Ways for Families)

This is a structured method Eddy developed for managing conflict in family settings. This concept is also useful in professional settings. It emphasizes skills-building in four key areas:

• Flexible Thinking: Encourage open-mindedness and alternatives.
• Managed Emotions: Focus on controlling emotional responses.
• Moderate Behaviors: Promote calm and reasonable actions.
• Checking Yourself: Teach individuals to assess their own role in conflicts.

4.    Soothing Statements

Eddy suggests using calming language to diffuse anger or defensiveness.

Examples include:

• “I hear what you’re saying.”
• “That’s an interesting perspective.”
• “I’ll think about that.”

These statements help avoid escalation and signal to the other person that they’ve been heard without agreeing or arguing.

5.    Avoid Triggering Responses

Eddy advises avoiding behaviors that provoke further conflict, such as:

• Defending yourself too much.
• Arguing or correcting their perceptions.
• Minimizing their feelings.

Instead, use strategies like BIFF or EAR to manage the interaction constructively.

6.    CARS (Connecting, Analyzing Options, Responding, Setting Limits)

This framework is designed for working through conflict with high-conflict individuals:

• Connecting: Establish rapport with empathy and respect and create a foundation for constructive dialogue.
• Analyzing Options: Collaborate to identify potential solutions without judgment or defensiveness.
• Responding: Respond clearly and calmly, using BIFF if needed.
• Setting Limits: Set and enforce boundaries assertively but respectfully.

The Four Forgets: Outlines common assumptions people often forget when dealing with high-conflict individuals (HCIs). These “forgets” highlight the typical reactions and expectations that can escalate conflict instead of resolving it. By recognizing and avoiding these pitfalls, one can approach HCIs with realistic expectations and effective strategies, helping to manage interactions constructively.

1.    Forget About Insight

• What it Means: Don’t expect high-conflict individuals to gain self-awareness or insight into their own behavior. HCIs often lack the ability or willingness to reflect on their actions or recognize their contribution to conflicts.
• Why This Matters: Trying to “make them see reason” or understand their impact is usually futile and can lead to further frustration or escalation.
• What to Do Instead: Focus on managing the situation rather than attempting to change their perspective or behavior.

2.    Forget About Change

• What it Means: Don’t assume that high-conflict individuals will change their behavior, even with explanations, logic, or feedback. Their patterns are often deeply ingrained.
• Why This Matters: Expecting rapid or meaningful change from an HCI can lead to disappointment and ineffective interactions.
• What to Do Instead: Set clear boundaries and focus on managing the current conflict rather than trying to “fix” them.

3.    Forget About Forgiveness

• What it Means: Don’t expect HCIs to forgive or let go of grievances easily–if at all. They often hold onto blame and perceived injustices, often obsessively.
• Why This Matters: Hoping for reconciliation or forgiveness may be unrealistic, and pushing for it can reignite tensions.
• What to Do Instead: Accept that they may not move past their grievances and focus on resolving the situation in a way that minimizes further conflict.

4.    Forget About Agreement

• What it Means: Don’t expect HCIs to reach mutual agreement or compromise easily. They are often rigid in their views and unwilling to negotiate in good faith.
• Why This Matters: Trying to force consensus can lead to more arguments or a complete breakdown in communication.
• What to Do Instead: Aim for clear communication and realistic outcomes. Set limits where necessary and focus on achieving what is feasible rather than complete agreement.

How to Apply the Four Forgets: When dealing with HCIs, it’s important to adjust expectations and focus on what can be managed:

• Use frameworks like BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm): Communicate effectively and minimize escalation by keeping responses clear and focused.
• Prioritize boundary-setting: Protect yourself and maintain structure by setting and enforcing clear limits.
• Stay emotionally regulated: Rely on strategies to self-manage and avoid the temptation to escalate or mirror their behaviors, maintaining your composure throughout interactions.
• Focus on practical solutions: Aim for achievable outcomes rather than striving for emotional resolution or complete agreement.

Additional Resources:

• Click here to listen to Huberman Lab Podcast with Bill Eddy: How to Deal with High Conflict People (2 hours, 39 minutes)
• Click here to learn more about Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter of the Conflict Institute

This month has been particularly challenging for many of the leaders I partner with—marked by the election, divisive politics, global wars, and difficult business conditions, to name a few. I continue to work with leaders to focus on slowing down, hitting the pause button, and embracing the world as it is. Together, we engage in “the work” of self-management—whether through walking, meditating, praying, exercising, being in nature, or whatever practices resonate with them—so they can remain grounded, stable, and show up with a positive attitude for themselves and others.

I will also share these thoughtful and inspiring words by Pema Chodren that capture this spirit ….

When you open yourself to the continually changing, impermanent, and dynamic nature of your own being and of reality, you increase your capacity to love and care about other people and your capacity to not be afraid. You’re able to keep your eyes open, your heart open, and your mind open. And you notice when you get caught up in prejudice, bias, and aggression. You develop an enthusiasm for no longer watering those negative seeds, from now until the day you die. And you begin to think of your life as offering endless opportunities to start to do things differently.

This month, I’d like to share with you The Drama Triangle, a psychological model that offers valuable insights into different relationship roles and dynamics, especially when conflict arises.

The Drama Triangle model not only illuminates potentially destructive relationship dynamics but also provides us with the tools need to break away from negative patterns and foster healthier relationships.

Learning about the Drama Triangle model has numerous benefits. It can help you improve your self-awareness, conflict management, social awareness (empathy), communication, boundary-setting, relationship management, and resilience.

And as a leader, whether in your workplace, community, or within your family, incorporating the Drama Triangle model into your toolkit can be a valuable asset for navigating conflicts more effectively. Moreover, this model empowers leaders to offer coaching and support to individuals who may be struggling with relationship challenges, ultimately contributing to the cultivation of a healthier organizational culture, as opposed to perpetuating cycles of drama and dysfunction.

What is The Drama Triangle Model?
This model sheds light on a normal human dynamic where we engage (triangulate) among three different mindsets or roles: the victim, persecutor, or rescuer. These roles represent patterns of communication and behavior that can be unhelpful and stem from fear–driven efforts to meet our needs, regain a sense of control and avoid feelings of uncertainty, vulnerability, and powerlessness.

While we may typically lean toward a preferred role or evoke certain roles in others, we are also capable of shifting among these three mindsets.

The Drama Triangle is a valuable model for understanding, taking ownership of, and reducing negative drama in our lives. It does so by helping us recognize the role we (and others) might be stuck in and offering guidance on how to break free from it.

Note1 – This model is based on Stephen Karpman’s drama model and the book Radical Responsibility by Fleet Maull, Ph.D. It reflects normal adult human behavior and is not relevant for children or someone who is truly victimized.

The Three Mindsets: Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer

VICTIM

• Description: In the Victim role, a person may find themselves dissatisfied with the course of their life and may attribute their dissatisfaction to external factors, which can include other individuals or challenging circumstances.
• Belief: They tend to believe their happiness depends on changes in circumstances beyond their control. For example, they might think, “I will be happy when person X, over whom I have no control, changes their behavior. “
• Mindset: This role often reflects a mindset characterized by perceived limitations, a sense of powerlessness, and moments of helplessness. Individuals in this role may employ this mindset to assert control or manipulate others.
• Context: It is often associated with a “Poor me” attitude.
• Actions: Behaviors associated with the Victim role can include complaining, blaming, seeking attention, throwing tantrums, and manipulating.
• Orientation: Typically, individuals in this role tend to focus on problems and complaints.
• Mode: Tends to be reactive and engages in blaming.
• Feelings: Those who embody the Victim role often experience feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, anxiety, fear, hurt, afraid, and depression.

PERSECUTOR

• Description: Similar to the Victim, the Persecutor tends to attribute the cause of their feelings to external circumstances.
• Belief: This role is often activated by a fear–based strategy in which the person, feeling powerless and out of control, takes charge to regain a sense of control.
• Context: It is often associated with an “I’m right” attitude.
• Actions: Behaviors associated with the Persecutor role can include criticizing, judging, blaming, controlling, dominating, attacking, and abusing.
• Orientation: Typically, individuals in this role, tend to focus on problems and complaints.
• Mode: Tends to be reactive and inclined toward attacking behavior.
• Feelings: Those who embody the Persecutor role often experience anxiety, fear, anger, feelings of superiority, righteousness, and defensiveness.
• Underlying position: Victim.

RESCUER

• Description: The rescuer role involves the person playing the expert, hero, and fixer, frequently intervening to save people from themselves, even when it might not be needed. The Rescuer often seeks out individuals who play the Victim role.
• Belief: This behavior is not necessarily driven by a genuine desire to help but rather about fulfilling the rescuer’s own ego needs to feel needed or powerful. Rescuers may treat others as childlike and unable to take care of themselves.
• Context: It is often associated with an “I know” attitude.
• Actions: Behaviors associated with the Rescuer role can include helping, saving, fixing, enabling, colluding, and disempowering others.
• Orientation: Typically, individuals in this role, tend to focus on identifying problems and offering fixes/solutions, occasionally adopting a savior or martyr mentality.
• Mode: Tend to be reactive and centered around fixing.
• Feelings: Those who embody the Rescuer role often experience smugness, superiority, self–righteousness, heroism, unappreciation, and overwhelm.
• Underlying position: Victim.

How do I get out of or off the Drama Triangle?

• Step One: Recognize that you are in a drama triangle. Recognize the physiological signs of drama activation, become mindful of your emotional reactions and triggers, and identify what role you could become or are already caught in. For the victim role, warning signs include upset emotions (hurt, anxiety, anger, etc.), physical sensations (shallow breathing, constricted chest, sweaty palms, tension in the neck and shoulders), and thought patterns (involving narratives of powerlessness, injustice, etc.). For persecutor and rescuer roles, signs of drama activation may manifest in language, tone of voice, posture, and actions directed at others.

• Step Two: Stop. Don’t Act When Triggered. Your primary job is to self-regulate, stay calm, and not make the situation any worse. Make a personal commitment to not act when you’re triggered. Keep in mind the phrase, “When the blood has left your brain, it’s not the best time to make a decision!”

• Step Three: Take Space and Shift Your State. The next step involves state-shifting and engaging in a self–management strategy to intentionally release yourself from the trigger (fight, flight, or freeze response). This enables you to gain access to the rational decision–making capacity of your brain’s executive function. Self-management strategies encompass techniques such as taking ten deep breaths, straw breathing, practicing meditation, going for a walk or run, listening to soothing music, doing yoga or other movement exercises, speaking with a friend, getting out in nature, or journaling.

• Step Four: Own Your Feelings. This means getting in touch with your own emotional state and, instead of using blaming or projective language choosing “I” statements. For example, say, “I’m angry, hurt, or sad,” rather than “You’re always doing this to me.”

• Step Five: Identify Your Needs and Communicate Them Clearly (When Appropriate). Take some time to reflect on what underlying needs you perceive aren’t being met and if it’s appropriate, communicate them to the other person as information or as a request, but not a demand. Some examples of needs include love, respect, trusting relationship, autonomy, self–worth, creative expression, security, sense of purpose, and a connection to something larger than self. Make sure that you stick up for yourself by saying something like this and pausing as you say it, “I’m uncomfortable, can we take a break and come back when it’s more productive?”

• Step Six: Make A Boundary When Necessary. By establishing proper boundaries, we reduce chaos and suffering for ourselves and those around us. Boundaries involve knowing when to say yes and when to say no, both in our interactions with others and in our personal choices. These boundaries cultivate a sense of presence and protective energy. When you have well-defined, clear boundaries, people sense it, and individuals looking to stir up drama will typically avoid you and seek drama elsewhere.

Wholehearted Attention

“When the teachings tell us to “make friends with our emotions,” they mean to become more attentive and get to know them better. Being ignorant about emotions only makes matters worse; feeling guilty or ashamed of them does the same. Struggling against them is equally non-productive. The only way to dissolve their power is with our wholehearted, intelligent attention. Only then is it possible to stay steady, connect with the underlying energy, and discover their insubstantial nature.” ~ Pema Chodron

Always Maintain A Joyful Mind

“Constantly apply cheerfulness, if for no other reason than because you are on this spiritual path. Have a sense of gratitude to everything, even difficult emotions, because of their potential to wake you up.” ~ Pema Chodron

We must always take sides.

Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.

Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

– Elie Wiesel

Life has been filled with challenges and sad news lately including aging and ill parents and learning that our family pet has bone cancer. Because of this, I’ve been thinking a lot about the term “radical acceptance” and what it means. The best definition I can come up with for radical acceptance is letting go of wanting things – that is people, situations, events, emotions, and even thoughts – to be the way we want them to be. Many, maybe even most, things are beyond our control. Understanding this, I then deliberately focus on things that are within my control: being present to the truth of things and doing my best to show up with respect, kindness, integrity, patience, and a sense of humor.

Both Mary Oliver’s Poem “Wild Geese” and The Serenity Prayer have helped me embrace the concept of radical acceptance, so I share them with you below.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting– over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference.

This month, I want to write about what Dan Buettner and National Geographic learned when they studied the world’s healthiest, longest-lived people – was it their lifestyle, environment, or genes?

Their most important finding was that lifestyle and environment had the biggest impact on life expectancy, with genes only determining about 20%. They identified five “blue zones,” which include Okinawa, Japan; Sardinia, Italy; Nicoya, Costa Rica, Ikaria, Greece; and Loma Linda, California, that have the world’s healthiest, longest-living populations (on average, living eight years longer than Americans).

A team of medical researchers, anthropologists, demographers, and epidemiologists searched for evidence-based common denominators among the five blue zones and found nine common factors that had a positive impact on life expectancy and quality of health. These health benefits include a reduction in inflammation, which leads to decreases in diabetes, less dementia, and improved cardiovascular health. Another key finding was that people in these blue zones do not actively try to live longer, but their environments promote a richer quality of life and longer life expectancy.

Power 9^® Reverse Engineering Longevity By Dan Buettner (click here for the diagram)

1). Move Naturally: The world’s longest-lived people don’t pump iron, run marathons, or join gyms. Instead, they live in environments that constantly nudge them into moving without thinking about it. They grow gardens and don’t have mechanical conveniences for house and yard work.

2). Purpose: The Okinawans call it “Ikigai” and the Nicoyans call it “plan de vida;” for both, it translates to “why I wake up in the morning.” Knowing your sense of purpose is worth up to seven years of extra life expectancy.

3). Downshift: Even people in the Blue Zones experience stress. Stress leads to chronic inflammation, associated with every major age-related disease. What the world’s longest-lived people have that we don’t are routines to shed that stress. Okinawans take a few moments each day to remember their ancestors, Adventists pray, Ikarians take a nap, and Sardinians do happy hour.

4). 80% Rule: “Hara hachi bu” — the Okinawan, 2,500-year-old Confucian mantra reminds them to stop eating when their stomachs are 80 percent full. The 20% gap between not being hungry and feeling full could be the difference between losing weight or gaining it. People in the blue zones eat their smallest meal in the late afternoon or early evening and then they don’t eat any more the rest of the day.

5). Plant Slant: Beans, including fava, black, soy and lentils, are the cornerstone of most centenarian diets. Meat — mostly pork — is eaten on average only five times per month. Serving sizes are 3-4 oz., about the size of a deck of cards. A high–fiber diet helps facilitate good gut bacteria.

6). Wine @ 5: People in all blue zones (except the Adventists) drink alcohol moderately and regularly. Moderate drinkers outlive non-drinkers. Over 85% of the men drink every day. The trick is to drink 1-2 glasses per day (preferably Sardinian Cannonau wine), with friends and/or with food. And no, you can’t save up all week and have 14 drinks on Saturday.

7). Belong: All but five of the 263 centenarians we interviewed belonged to some faith-based community. Denomination doesn’t seem to matter. Research shows that attending faith-based services four times per month will add 4-14 years of life expectancy.

8). Loved Ones First: Successful centenarians in the blue zones put their families first. This means keeping aging parents and grandparents nearby or in the home (it lowers disease and mortality rates of children in the home too). They commit to a life partner (which can add up to 3 years of life expectancy) and invest in their children with time and love (they’ll be more likely to care for you when the time comes).

9). Right Tribe: The world’s longest-lived people chose — or were born into — social circles that supported healthy behaviors, Okinawans created “moais”— groups of five friends who committed to each other for life. Research from the Framingham Studies shows that smoking, obesity, happiness, and even loneliness are contagious. So, the social networks of long-lived people have favorably shaped their health behaviors.

Based on their findings, I’m suggesting a couple of easy, healthy lifestyle habits to incorporate into your life to increase your lifespan and health:

• Get clear about your life purpose, be able to articulate it, and live each day intentionally.
• Move throughout your day: take mini-walks, walk instead of driving, or park your car a distance from your destination so you can take a few extra steps.
• Prioritize stress relief and rest such as taking frequent naps and getting 7-10 hours of sleep a night.
• Eat a mostly whole food, plant-based diet that includes beans as a cornerstone, include small amounts of meat, and eat until you’re about 80% full, with your smallest meal in the evening.
• Connect with community, maintain quality relationships, and have a good support system.
• Drink water, tea, coffee, and wine (preferably Sardinian Cannonau wine), in moderation. To fight off loneliness, if you do have a glass of wine, make sure you drink with friends rather than alone.
• Shape and make sure that your environment supports a healthy lifestyle. Keep in mind that there are no quick fixes and that it takes a daily commitment to create an environment that makes it easy for you to establish healthy habits.

For more information about living a longer and more vibrant life: 

• Click here for Longevity Secrets (And Controversies) from Blue Zones with Dan Buettner on Ten Percent Happier Podcast with Dan Harris (74 minutes)
• Click here to read “The Blue Zones Secrets for Living Longer: Lessons from the Healthiest Places on Earth” by Dan Buettner.
• Click here for Dan Buettner’s website BlueZones.com.
• Check out Netflix for “Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones,” a one season Documentary with Dan Buettner.

I hope this finds you well and that you are enjoying this lovely spring weather!

Recently, clients have been sharing their feelings of being overwhelmed, drained, and stressed out due to global conflicts, domestic politics, business pressures, limited resources, and constant time demands, to name a few. Unfortunately, divisiveness and hatred also seem pervasive. The challenge for all leaders – whether in organizations, communities, or in our own personal lives, is to clearly see the world as it is, and, at the same time do the “work” to show up with a spirit of positivity, confidence, kindness, and even joy.

Given that energy and mind states are contagious, leaders face the challenging task of maintaining a positive outlook to motivate and inspire their teams to stay positive and perform at their best, despite the circumstances.

This month, I want to share some resources to help you maintain a positive mind state, cultivate more joy, and serve as a good role model for others.

Here are a few favorite client articles and worksheets:

• Click here for Gratitude as a Super Power. Learn more about how a gratitude practice and mindset leads to enhancements in well-being, resilience, social relationships, sleep quality, stress, and depression.
• Click here for Why A.W.E. Matters and How to Access It. Based on the book The Power of AWE: Overcome Burnout & Anxiety, Ease Chronic Pain, Find Clarity & Purpose – In Less than 1 Minute Per Day. Learn more about how A.W.E. leads to enhancements in energy, your mind state, the nervous system, presence, and life satisfaction.
• Click here for Whole Brain Living. Learn more about how Whole Brain Living concept leads to enhancements in self-awareness, agency, and emotional-regulation.
• Click here for Your Aging Brain and a Happy, Successful Life. Learn more about the happiness portfolio and the four most important habits of the happiest people.
• Click here to Rewire Your Inborn Negativity Bias with these meditations. Feel free to adapt and make the worksheet your own. It’s a bit like brainwashing – out with the old and in with the new.
• Click here to learn more about Activities that Give You or Drain Your Energy by identifying your energy boosters and drainers. With enhanced self-awareness, you are then able add (or eliminate) activities so you feel more fulfilled, centered, and happy.