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This month has been particularly challenging for many of the leaders I partner with—marked by the election, divisive politics, global wars, and difficult business conditions, to name a few. I continue to work with leaders to focus on slowing down, hitting the pause button, and embracing the world as it is. Together, we engage in “the work” of self-management—whether through walking, meditating, praying, exercising, being in nature, or whatever practices resonate with them—so they can remain grounded, stable, and show up with a positive attitude for themselves and others.

I will also share these thoughtful and inspiring words by Pema Chodren that capture this spirit ….

When you open yourself to the continually changing, impermanent, and dynamic nature of your own being and of reality, you increase your capacity to love and care about other people and your capacity to not be afraid. You’re able to keep your eyes open, your heart open, and your mind open. And you notice when you get caught up in prejudice, bias, and aggression. You develop an enthusiasm for no longer watering those negative seeds, from now until the day you die. And you begin to think of your life as offering endless opportunities to start to do things differently.

This month, I’d like to share with you The Drama Triangle, a psychological model that offers valuable insights into different relationship roles and dynamics, especially when conflict arises.

The Drama Triangle model not only illuminates potentially destructive relationship dynamics but also provides us with the tools need to break away from negative patterns and foster healthier relationships.

Learning about the Drama Triangle model has numerous benefits. It can help you improve your self-awareness, conflict management, social awareness (empathy), communication, boundary-setting, relationship management, and resilience.

And as a leader, whether in your workplace, community, or within your family, incorporating the Drama Triangle model into your toolkit can be a valuable asset for navigating conflicts more effectively. Moreover, this model empowers leaders to offer coaching and support to individuals who may be struggling with relationship challenges, ultimately contributing to the cultivation of a healthier organizational culture, as opposed to perpetuating cycles of drama and dysfunction.

What is The Drama Triangle Model?
This model sheds light on a normal human dynamic where we engage (triangulate) among three different mindsets or roles: the victim, persecutor, or rescuer. These roles represent patterns of communication and behavior that can be unhelpful and stem from fear–driven efforts to meet our needs, regain a sense of control and avoid feelings of uncertainty, vulnerability, and powerlessness.

While we may typically lean toward a preferred role or evoke certain roles in others, we are also capable of shifting among these three mindsets.

The Drama Triangle is a valuable model for understanding, taking ownership of, and reducing negative drama in our lives. It does so by helping us recognize the role we (and others) might be stuck in and offering guidance on how to break free from it.

Note1 – This model is based on Stephen Karpman’s drama model and the book Radical Responsibility by Fleet Maull, Ph.D. It reflects normal adult human behavior and is not relevant for children or someone who is truly victimized.

The Three Mindsets: Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer

VICTIM

• Description: In the Victim role, a person may find themselves dissatisfied with the course of their life and may attribute their dissatisfaction to external factors, which can include other individuals or challenging circumstances.
• Belief: They tend to believe their happiness depends on changes in circumstances beyond their control. For example, they might think, “I will be happy when person X, over whom I have no control, changes their behavior. “
• Mindset: This role often reflects a mindset characterized by perceived limitations, a sense of powerlessness, and moments of helplessness. Individuals in this role may employ this mindset to assert control or manipulate others.
• Context: It is often associated with a “Poor me” attitude.
• Actions: Behaviors associated with the Victim role can include complaining, blaming, seeking attention, throwing tantrums, and manipulating.
• Orientation: Typically, individuals in this role tend to focus on problems and complaints.
• Mode: Tends to be reactive and engages in blaming.
• Feelings: Those who embody the Victim role often experience feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, anxiety, fear, hurt, afraid, and depression.

PERSECUTOR

• Description: Similar to the Victim, the Persecutor tends to attribute the cause of their feelings to external circumstances.
• Belief: This role is often activated by a fear–based strategy in which the person, feeling powerless and out of control, takes charge to regain a sense of control.
• Context: It is often associated with an “I’m right” attitude.
• Actions: Behaviors associated with the Persecutor role can include criticizing, judging, blaming, controlling, dominating, attacking, and abusing.
• Orientation: Typically, individuals in this role, tend to focus on problems and complaints.
• Mode: Tends to be reactive and inclined toward attacking behavior.
• Feelings: Those who embody the Persecutor role often experience anxiety, fear, anger, feelings of superiority, righteousness, and defensiveness.
• Underlying position: Victim.

RESCUER

• Description: The rescuer role involves the person playing the expert, hero, and fixer, frequently intervening to save people from themselves, even when it might not be needed. The Rescuer often seeks out individuals who play the Victim role.
• Belief: This behavior is not necessarily driven by a genuine desire to help but rather about fulfilling the rescuer’s own ego needs to feel needed or powerful. Rescuers may treat others as childlike and unable to take care of themselves.
• Context: It is often associated with an “I know” attitude.
• Actions: Behaviors associated with the Rescuer role can include helping, saving, fixing, enabling, colluding, and disempowering others.
• Orientation: Typically, individuals in this role, tend to focus on identifying problems and offering fixes/solutions, occasionally adopting a savior or martyr mentality.
• Mode: Tend to be reactive and centered around fixing.
• Feelings: Those who embody the Rescuer role often experience smugness, superiority, self–righteousness, heroism, unappreciation, and overwhelm.
• Underlying position: Victim.

How do I get out of or off the Drama Triangle?

• Step One: Recognize that you are in a drama triangle. Recognize the physiological signs of drama activation, become mindful of your emotional reactions and triggers, and identify what role you could become or are already caught in. For the victim role, warning signs include upset emotions (hurt, anxiety, anger, etc.), physical sensations (shallow breathing, constricted chest, sweaty palms, tension in the neck and shoulders), and thought patterns (involving narratives of powerlessness, injustice, etc.). For persecutor and rescuer roles, signs of drama activation may manifest in language, tone of voice, posture, and actions directed at others.

• Step Two: Stop. Don’t Act When Triggered. Your primary job is to self-regulate, stay calm, and not make the situation any worse. Make a personal commitment to not act when you’re triggered. Keep in mind the phrase, “When the blood has left your brain, it’s not the best time to make a decision!”

• Step Three: Take Space and Shift Your State. The next step involves state-shifting and engaging in a self–management strategy to intentionally release yourself from the trigger (fight, flight, or freeze response). This enables you to gain access to the rational decision–making capacity of your brain’s executive function. Self-management strategies encompass techniques such as taking ten deep breaths, straw breathing, practicing meditation, going for a walk or run, listening to soothing music, doing yoga or other movement exercises, speaking with a friend, getting out in nature, or journaling.

• Step Four: Own Your Feelings. This means getting in touch with your own emotional state and, instead of using blaming or projective language choosing “I” statements. For example, say, “I’m angry, hurt, or sad,” rather than “You’re always doing this to me.”

• Step Five: Identify Your Needs and Communicate Them Clearly (When Appropriate). Take some time to reflect on what underlying needs you perceive aren’t being met and if it’s appropriate, communicate them to the other person as information or as a request, but not a demand. Some examples of needs include love, respect, trusting relationship, autonomy, self–worth, creative expression, security, sense of purpose, and a connection to something larger than self. Make sure that you stick up for yourself by saying something like this and pausing as you say it, “I’m uncomfortable, can we take a break and come back when it’s more productive?”

• Step Six: Make A Boundary When Necessary. By establishing proper boundaries, we reduce chaos and suffering for ourselves and those around us. Boundaries involve knowing when to say yes and when to say no, both in our interactions with others and in our personal choices. These boundaries cultivate a sense of presence and protective energy. When you have well-defined, clear boundaries, people sense it, and individuals looking to stir up drama will typically avoid you and seek drama elsewhere.

Wholehearted Attention

“When the teachings tell us to “make friends with our emotions,” they mean to become more attentive and get to know them better. Being ignorant about emotions only makes matters worse; feeling guilty or ashamed of them does the same. Struggling against them is equally non-productive. The only way to dissolve their power is with our wholehearted, intelligent attention. Only then is it possible to stay steady, connect with the underlying energy, and discover their insubstantial nature.” ~ Pema Chodron

Always Maintain A Joyful Mind

“Constantly apply cheerfulness, if for no other reason than because you are on this spiritual path. Have a sense of gratitude to everything, even difficult emotions, because of their potential to wake you up.” ~ Pema Chodron

We must always take sides.

Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.

Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

– Elie Wiesel

Life has been filled with challenges and sad news lately including aging and ill parents and learning that our family pet has bone cancer. Because of this, I’ve been thinking a lot about the term “radical acceptance” and what it means. The best definition I can come up with for radical acceptance is letting go of wanting things – that is people, situations, events, emotions, and even thoughts – to be the way we want them to be. Many, maybe even most, things are beyond our control. Understanding this, I then deliberately focus on things that are within my control: being present to the truth of things and doing my best to show up with respect, kindness, integrity, patience, and a sense of humor.

Both Mary Oliver’s Poem “Wild Geese” and The Serenity Prayer have helped me embrace the concept of radical acceptance, so I share them with you below.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting– over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference.

This month, I want to write about what Dan Buettner and National Geographic learned when they studied the world’s healthiest, longest-lived people – was it their lifestyle, environment, or genes?

Their most important finding was that lifestyle and environment had the biggest impact on life expectancy, with genes only determining about 20%. They identified five “blue zones,” which include Okinawa, Japan; Sardinia, Italy; Nicoya, Costa Rica, Ikaria, Greece; and Loma Linda, California, that have the world’s healthiest, longest-living populations (on average, living eight years longer than Americans).

A team of medical researchers, anthropologists, demographers, and epidemiologists searched for evidence-based common denominators among the five blue zones and found nine common factors that had a positive impact on life expectancy and quality of health. These health benefits include a reduction in inflammation, which leads to decreases in diabetes, less dementia, and improved cardiovascular health. Another key finding was that people in these blue zones do not actively try to live longer, but their environments promote a richer quality of life and longer life expectancy.

Power 9^® Reverse Engineering Longevity By Dan Buettner (click here for the diagram)

1). Move Naturally: The world’s longest-lived people don’t pump iron, run marathons, or join gyms. Instead, they live in environments that constantly nudge them into moving without thinking about it. They grow gardens and don’t have mechanical conveniences for house and yard work.

2). Purpose: The Okinawans call it “Ikigai” and the Nicoyans call it “plan de vida;” for both, it translates to “why I wake up in the morning.” Knowing your sense of purpose is worth up to seven years of extra life expectancy.

3). Downshift: Even people in the Blue Zones experience stress. Stress leads to chronic inflammation, associated with every major age-related disease. What the world’s longest-lived people have that we don’t are routines to shed that stress. Okinawans take a few moments each day to remember their ancestors, Adventists pray, Ikarians take a nap, and Sardinians do happy hour.

4). 80% Rule: “Hara hachi bu” — the Okinawan, 2,500-year-old Confucian mantra reminds them to stop eating when their stomachs are 80 percent full. The 20% gap between not being hungry and feeling full could be the difference between losing weight or gaining it. People in the blue zones eat their smallest meal in the late afternoon or early evening and then they don’t eat any more the rest of the day.

5). Plant Slant: Beans, including fava, black, soy and lentils, are the cornerstone of most centenarian diets. Meat — mostly pork — is eaten on average only five times per month. Serving sizes are 3-4 oz., about the size of a deck of cards. A high–fiber diet helps facilitate good gut bacteria.

6). Wine @ 5: People in all blue zones (except the Adventists) drink alcohol moderately and regularly. Moderate drinkers outlive non-drinkers. Over 85% of the men drink every day. The trick is to drink 1-2 glasses per day (preferably Sardinian Cannonau wine), with friends and/or with food. And no, you can’t save up all week and have 14 drinks on Saturday.

7). Belong: All but five of the 263 centenarians we interviewed belonged to some faith-based community. Denomination doesn’t seem to matter. Research shows that attending faith-based services four times per month will add 4-14 years of life expectancy.

8). Loved Ones First: Successful centenarians in the blue zones put their families first. This means keeping aging parents and grandparents nearby or in the home (it lowers disease and mortality rates of children in the home too). They commit to a life partner (which can add up to 3 years of life expectancy) and invest in their children with time and love (they’ll be more likely to care for you when the time comes).

9). Right Tribe: The world’s longest-lived people chose — or were born into — social circles that supported healthy behaviors, Okinawans created “moais”— groups of five friends who committed to each other for life. Research from the Framingham Studies shows that smoking, obesity, happiness, and even loneliness are contagious. So, the social networks of long-lived people have favorably shaped their health behaviors.

Based on their findings, I’m suggesting a couple of easy, healthy lifestyle habits to incorporate into your life to increase your lifespan and health:

• Get clear about your life purpose, be able to articulate it, and live each day intentionally.
• Move throughout your day: take mini-walks, walk instead of driving, or park your car a distance from your destination so you can take a few extra steps.
• Prioritize stress relief and rest such as taking frequent naps and getting 7-10 hours of sleep a night.
• Eat a mostly whole food, plant-based diet that includes beans as a cornerstone, include small amounts of meat, and eat until you’re about 80% full, with your smallest meal in the evening.
• Connect with community, maintain quality relationships, and have a good support system.
• Drink water, tea, coffee, and wine (preferably Sardinian Cannonau wine), in moderation. To fight off loneliness, if you do have a glass of wine, make sure you drink with friends rather than alone.
• Shape and make sure that your environment supports a healthy lifestyle. Keep in mind that there are no quick fixes and that it takes a daily commitment to create an environment that makes it easy for you to establish healthy habits.

For more information about living a longer and more vibrant life: 

• Click here for Longevity Secrets (And Controversies) from Blue Zones with Dan Buettner on Ten Percent Happier Podcast with Dan Harris (74 minutes)
• Click here to read “The Blue Zones Secrets for Living Longer: Lessons from the Healthiest Places on Earth” by Dan Buettner.
• Click here for Dan Buettner’s website BlueZones.com.
• Check out Netflix for “Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones,” a one season Documentary with Dan Buettner.

I hope this finds you well and that you are enjoying this lovely spring weather!

Recently, clients have been sharing their feelings of being overwhelmed, drained, and stressed out due to global conflicts, domestic politics, business pressures, limited resources, and constant time demands, to name a few. Unfortunately, divisiveness and hatred also seem pervasive. The challenge for all leaders – whether in organizations, communities, or in our own personal lives, is to clearly see the world as it is, and, at the same time do the “work” to show up with a spirit of positivity, confidence, kindness, and even joy.

Given that energy and mind states are contagious, leaders face the challenging task of maintaining a positive outlook to motivate and inspire their teams to stay positive and perform at their best, despite the circumstances.

This month, I want to share some resources to help you maintain a positive mind state, cultivate more joy, and serve as a good role model for others.

Here are a few favorite client articles and worksheets:

• Click here for Gratitude as a Super Power. Learn more about how a gratitude practice and mindset leads to enhancements in well-being, resilience, social relationships, sleep quality, stress, and depression.
• Click here for Why A.W.E. Matters and How to Access It. Based on the book The Power of AWE: Overcome Burnout & Anxiety, Ease Chronic Pain, Find Clarity & Purpose – In Less than 1 Minute Per Day. Learn more about how A.W.E. leads to enhancements in energy, your mind state, the nervous system, presence, and life satisfaction.
• Click here for Whole Brain Living. Learn more about how Whole Brain Living concept leads to enhancements in self-awareness, agency, and emotional-regulation.
• Click here for Your Aging Brain and a Happy, Successful Life. Learn more about the happiness portfolio and the four most important habits of the happiest people.
• Click here to Rewire Your Inborn Negativity Bias with these meditations. Feel free to adapt and make the worksheet your own. It’s a bit like brainwashing – out with the old and in with the new.
• Click here to learn more about Activities that Give You or Drain Your Energy by identifying your energy boosters and drainers. With enhanced self-awareness, you are then able add (or eliminate) activities so you feel more fulfilled, centered, and happy.

I hope this finds you well and that you are enjoying this lovely spring weather!

Last week, I had the pleasure of listening to Charles Duhigg discuss the science of supercommunication on my favorite podcast, Ten Percent Happier, As I listened to Duhigg, I became intrigued by his concept of supercommunication and the research behind it, which led me to purchase his new book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Language of Connection.

Duhigg describes a supercommunicator as someone who has deeply thought about how to communicate and excels at:

• Making others feel listened to, understood, and leaving them feeling better after the conversation.
• Engaging in conversation, establishing flow, and inviting others to participate.
• Breaking through and establishing connections even in the most unlikely of situations.

He goes on to say that supercommunicators aren’t born; they are made. Anyone committed to learning the skills can become a supercommunicator, whether at work or at home. Ronald Reagan and Steve Jobs serve as examples of great communicators who didn’t start out that way but learned to master the art of supercommunication. Additionally, no particular personality type makes someone a better communicator than another; it’s simply a learned skill.

Summarized below are some tips on how become a supercommunicator.

When communicating, we typically engage in one or a combination of three types of conversations: practical, emotional, and social. The key is to ‘match’ your communication style with the individuals you’re interacting with. This concept from Duhigg really resonated with me because I hadn’t previously considered it, yet it makes perfect sense!

1. Practical conversations focus on decision-making, planning, or problem-solving. What is this really about?
2. Emotional conversations involve understanding and sharing emotions. How do we feel?
3. Social conversations explore identity, relationships, societal beliefs, and personal experiences that shape who we are. Who are we? Where did we grow up? What do we do?

There are four rules for having a meaningful conversation.

1. Pay attention to the type of conversation taking place. Is it a practical, emotional, or social conversation?
2. Share your goals and inquire about the goals of the others involved.
3. Ask about others’ feelings and share your own, when appropriate.
4. Explore whether identities are relevant to the discussion. This is particularly relevant during social conversations. Acknowledging each party’s differences helps understand each other better.

Learn how to ask the right kinds of deep questions.

• Supercommunicators ask 10-20 times more questions than the average person.
• Ask deep questions that show interest in the other person’s values, beliefs, or experiences.
• Deep questions don’t need to seem so deep. For example, you can ask, “What did you make of that?” Or “What was that like?” And you can encourage more conversation, by simply saying, “Tell me more”.

Learn and practice the skill of listening for understanding or looping (checking back with the other person to see if you have listened and understood correctly).

• Demonstrate active listening to prove that you are engaged. This can be achieved by paraphrasing, reflecting on what you’ve heard, asking deep questions, summarizing in your own words, and confirming understanding.
• When we listen to someone without interrupting, it releases dopamine in the speaker’s brain. This fosters a sense of connection and increases the likelihood that they will be receptive to what you have to say.
• Shift from self-focus to other focus, emphasizing the importance of empathy. By prioritizing understanding and consideration for others, we foster deeper connections and mutual understanding.
• Click here to take a deeper dive and learn more about the practice of “looping”.

Master the art of good story telling.

• Ensure that every story includes a beginning, middle and end. Often, we overlook the middle part, resulting in an ineffective story.
• The arch in the middle is crucial; it’s where the magic happens. It provides the listener with an opportunity to learn something and see the idea in action.

Additional resources with links to explore further.

• Click here to learn more about the book ‘Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Language of Connection’ by Charles Duhigg.

• Click here for The Science of Effective Communication with Charles Duhigg on Ten Percent Happier Podcast with Dan Harris (70 minutes)

• Click here with Charles Duhigg on Supercommunicators on A Bit of Optimism Podcast with Simon Sinek (29 minutes)

• Click here for How Supercommunicators Unlock the Secrets of Connection with Charles Duhigg and Stanford Graduate School of Business lecturer Matt Abrahams (35 minutes)

• Click here to read How to Have More Meaningful Conversations by Charles Duhigg in Time Magazine (5 minutes)

• Click here for Charles Duhigg and Supercommunicators on NPR with Scott Detrow (9 minutes)