Narcissists feel entitled to get respect.

They aim to be the most important person in every room.

Humble people strive to show respect.

They aim to make everyone feel important in the room.

                    – Adam Grant, Organizational Psychology Professor, Wharton

Many clients sign up for coaching to learn how to deal with difficult individuals because they know that effective leaders need and have practices for showing up calm, confident, and respectful when engaging with tough colleagues. An executive client shared that one of his peers was making rude comments about him in front of others. As a result, my client felt himself becoming triggered whenever he engaged with his peer. Another executive shared that her supervisor was micromanaging her and making unrealistic demands. Both clients were concerned because they had to work regularly with these challenging colleagues and intuitively understood that their colleagues’ behavior was not going to change.

As you (unfortunately!) know, difficult colleagues – as well as people in our personal lives (family, friends, members of our communities) – come in many shapes and sizes, including being self-centered, self-absorbed, bossy, and even, on the more extreme side, unaware about how their behavior impacts others, entitled, demanding, overly critical, mean–spirited and manipulative. And if you’re worried you’re like this, chances are you are not because most difficult people do not self-reflect or have concern about how their behavior impacts others.

Since difficult people are not always interested in or capable of insight, they are most likely not going to change. Therefore, it’s up to you to change how you show up, so that you can remain confident and grounded and protect yourself from their negative energy.

While I don’t believe there is a one–size–fits all approach for dealing with difficult individuals, you can experiment with different self-management strategies to better manage difficult individuals and situations and build your inner resources.

I would say the overall goal when dealing with difficult individuals is to learn how to expand your window of tolerance for dealing with discomfort (an important life skill!), train in the skill of compassion toward yourself and others, and ultimately feel happier and more resilient.

Self-management strategies clients have successfully used when engaging with difficult individuals:

Set a Goal for the Interaction. Your objective is to remain present, calm and grounded, and find some peace and ease during a difficult moment. For example, when I start to feel triggered, I will get grounded in my body, feel my feet on the floor, and start to focus on my breath. See Get Present and Grounded below for more information on how to use your body and breath to remain present, calm, and grounded.

Prepare. Take time and space to prepare for a difficult interaction. It’s helpful to prepare by writing down your goal and process, meditating, and/or taking a walk. Click here to read Courageous Conversations and learn which questions might help you prepare for difficult situations.

Have Compassion for Yourself First. Acknowledge that it’s tough and often draining to deal with toxic individuals. Make sure you give yourself sufficient space to prepare to be with them and engage in self-care after the situation to recover and renew your energy.

Have Compassion for the Other Person. While it doesn’t excuse their behavior, recognize the other person is behaving the way they are because they are suffering. One technique to help with this is a loving kindness meditation ­­– you are welcoming in self–compassion and extending compassion to the other person. You really do it for yourself, because it helps you remain more at peace and find some ease in a difficult situation. For more information, click here to read Why Loving Kindness Takes Time by Sharon Salzberg.

Get Present and Grounded. Use your body and breath to find a sense of equilibrium and ease. Continue to focus on your breath and bring your attention to your feet planted firmly on the floor. Connect with your own breath by counting to three on the in–breath and five on the out–breath – which will activate your rest and digest (parasympathetic) system and stop the fight or flight (sympathetic system) response.

Take a Break. It can be very challenging to remain calm and grounded for an extended period of time, so continue to check in with your goal and feelings during the difficult conversation. If and when you feel like you’re losing your grounding and going into overwhelm (fight or flight) mode, ask to take a coffee or bathroom break, return to your breath, and remind yourself of your goal. One client found it calming and grounding to place her open right hand over her heart as she took three deep breaths.

Stay Out of Drama and Be Solutions Focused. Remain clear about your best intention and vision for the meeting and relationship, so you can come from a place of being grounded and centered versus reactive.

Acceptance. Recognize you are not responsible for the other person’s behavior, and he/she is (most likely) not going to change. Sometimes, by showing up grounded and calm, you can have a positive impact on the other person. But sometimes you cannot. Your goal is to remain grounded and calm – and try to find some ease in a difficult moment – regardless of how the other person behaves.

Let Go. It’s the same thing as acceptance. Remember it’s not your job to fix or change the person. Even if you’re in a situation where it is your job to provide feedback about his/her behavior or actions, the other person is ultimately responsible for his/her own thoughts, words, and actions.

Forgive but Don’t Forget. By forgiving the other person, you are not condoning his/her actions but rather cultivating a self-care practice that releases you from toxic and negative feelings and enables you to meet difficult individuals where they are in order to keep your energy calm and grounded. But it’s important to note that you should always do your best to protect yourself from being in harm’s way. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the other person’s actions. Click here to download a worksheet and learn more about establishing a forgiveness practice through meditation or journaling.

Establish Energetic Boundaries. Some clients find it helpful to visualize a spacious circular bubble around their body, so they feel protected by a cushion of space. Then, if the other person says something that is upsetting, imagine it bouncing off the bubble and back at him/her. This approach keeps his/her negative energy from entering your own personal space.

Maintain a Sense of Humor. You only have to be with this person (hopefully!) for a short amount of time. He/she has to live with him/herself 24 hours a day.

Remember it’s a practice, so experiment with different strategies and always go easy and gentle on yourself!

Monthly Inspiration in Leadership

• Click here to listen to How to Deal with Emotionally Immature People (Including Maybe Your Own Parents) with Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson on Ten Percent Happier podcast with Dan Harris. This podcast is useful in understanding emotionally immature people (EIPs); Gibson describes EIPs as demanding, entitled, and incapable of emotional intimacy and she offers practical strategies on how to successfully navigate relationships with EIPs.

Whether you lead in your business, non-profit organization, community, or family, it’s important to keep in mind that power often corrupts and leads to feelings of entitlement and complacency.

As my mentor, Dale Moss, shared, “Power is so unbelievably intoxicating and over time it almost always does corrupt. To think power doesn’t corrupt is naive and dangerous. To say, maybe ‘them’ but not ‘me’, is the rare, very rare exception. So, if you want to show up as a leader – and I hope you do – start the discussion by assuming power always corrupts and make sure there are checks and balances via regular audits to keep everyone (including yourself) honest.”

In my work as an executive coach, I have learned that leadership is a privilege and a responsibility. One important job of any great leader is to make sure that ALL people feel safe enough to speak up and share their own unique perspective.

Clients use the following thought questions useful to manage their egos:

What reflection-based practices and disciplines do you have in place to support you in being of service to a higher vision? One executive recently shared that he has a practice of walking around the neighborhood every evening alone to reflect on the day’s events. Another client leads a prayer group and mentors others most mornings before work.

How do you make sure the people in your inner circle keep you honest? Who do you trust to be objective and hold you accountable to your values and behaviors? How do you make sure you don’t surround yourself with ‘yes’ people? One leader makes it a point to hire individuals who are willing to speak up and share their perspectives.

What practices do you have in place to make it psychologically safe for all individuals, especially introverts and/or marginalized colleagues, to speak up? One leader shares that she waits for everyone else to speak up before she offers her opinion and makes it a point to invite soft-spoken and junior colleagues into the conversation. One executive passes out large index cards for people to write down what they are thinking, collects the cards, and shares the insights with everyone – keeping the suggestions ‘anonymous’.

Client leaders are sharing that times are tough (e.g., the pandemic, shift out of the pandemic, a divided nation, and violent shootings). Executives are searching for practices to show up more grounded, responsive, and inspiring versus emotionally reactive and ineffective.

One client’s favorite tool is the “pause button” – simple yet not always easy to do. Another client uses a mantra: stimulus, hit the pause button and wait, then respond. He reminds himself, just because I think it, doesn’t mean I have to say it. And a friend’s son’s baseball coach has a 24-hour rule that no player, parent, or whomever is allowed to comment on the game for 24 hours following the finality of game time.

What is the pause button? The idea of taking some time away when you feel triggered by a situation or person in order to rest and reset. This allows the brain to slow down and the nervous system to settle; as a result, the mind becomes clearer, and you gain a better perspective. Once you are in a calmer mind state, you can show up more intentional and less reactive. It’s interesting to remember that we are wired by evolution to be alarmists, so things are usually not as bad as they seem at first.

One phrase that helps client leaders is this too shall pass. Whatever situation is happening in the moment, however you or others are feeling, whatever joy or pain you or others are experiencing, it’s only temporary.

The Pause Button

Ask yourself

• Do I really need to react to this situation or person?
• Is it urgent or can I allow myself to take a pause before I respond, so my brain has time to settle, and I can show up from a place of being calm, decisive, grounded, and compassionate?
• Keeping in mind, this too shall pass, notice how you feel and what your state of mind is after 24 hours, after 48 hours, and after 72 hours?

Favorite Client Pause Buttons

• Take ten deep breaths
• Journal – first draft for yourself, second for the other person
• Be present in your body (e.g., feel the sensations of your feet on the ground, feel your back against the chair)
• Walk or be with your dog
• Have a good night’s sleep or take a nap (emotional first aid)
• Bake cookies
• Prepare and have dinner with good friends and family
• Travel somewhere new for the day, night, weekend, or week
• Turn off your phone at 5pm (or after hours) and weekends or leave it in another room
• Be or walk in nature
• Tend to flowers and plants
• Paint or draw
• Gaze at the stars, in the hot tub
• Laugh
• Take breaks from the news
• Play a round of golf
• Enjoy a glass of wine or watch a good TV show (yes, when done with the right intention, this counts too!)
• What pause button works for you?

Last week I returned from my 30-year graduate business school reunion. There were close to one hundred of us for the event in Chicago. During the women’s luncheon, the alumni office shared that there is something different about our ’92 class, that we (and class of ’97) stand out in her mind from all the rest based on our connection and commitment to each other. Recurrent themes that came to mind to were love, community, values, and resiliency.

During the 30 year of ski trips (shout out to Ed and Nanci🎿), hikes, dating, weddings, births, bar and bat mitzvahs, divorces, funerals, and just keeping in touch, this group of business school friends has operated as a high functioning community (maybe one of the highest I have had the privilege to be a part of); all are welcomed, loved, and accepted. No one is ever turned away or left out of any events.

And the focus on values continues to be apparent: importance of family, friends, and being humble. Despite the career and financial success of many of my peers, there is always humility, a kind word, and generosity of spirit present. Everyone has made her/his own choices and some of us (myself included) have taken time off from promising careers to focus on family, friends, passions, and health.

And everyone is remembered. At each event, thanks to Dan ❤️, friends who have passed away and are no longer physically with us, are always honored with stories, pictures, and a few minutes of silence.

In this month’s e-newsletter, I share Arthur Brooks‘ happiness strategies. Brooks is a Harvard professor, PhD social scientist, best-selling author, and columnist at The Atlantic.

Brooks explains that our brains and mental capacities change or erode with age, shifting from one set of skills and abilities to another. He goes on to say that there is good news: even with the change in skills and abilities, you can make the second half of your life even better than the first!

Brooks also explains that while 50% of happiness is genetic, 25% is due to circumstances that constantly change, so there is always room for improvement. With knowledge, practice, and fixing barriers to happiness (for example, mental health and poverty), we can become happier. He emphasizes that happiness is a process and takes time. This reminds me of the phrase, “incremental success is better than ambitious failure,” so take your time and focus on progressing upward.

Themes that resonated from Brooks’ book and talks

• The difference between fluid and crystallized intelligence and why it’s easier to be an innovator or poet in the first half of your life and a CEO or teacher in your second.
  • • Fluid intelligence refers to your raw smarts and ability to solve problems, to be innovative, to improve what you do, and to think through things quickly. Fluid intelligence is strongest when you’re young and peaks at about fifty years of age.
    • Crystallized intelligence refers to your ability to teach, explain things, tell stories, see connections among ideas, and understand how things fit together. Crystallized intelligence develops in your forties and stays strong into your fifties, sixties, seventies, and even eighties.

• What a success addict is and how to avoid the hedonistic treadmill trap by focusing on Your Why versus Your What. To find Your Why, Brooks recommends spending 15 minutes a day for three months reflecting on the nature of your own desire. Click here for another great resource Start With Why by Simon Sinek.

• The happiness portfolio and the four most important habits of the happiest people. Brooks talks about focusing on having 1). Faith (an interest in something bigger than yourself), 2). Solid Family Relationships, 3). Supportive Network of Friends, 4). and Work Which Serves Others.

• Why it’s better to listen to common sense and wisdom traditions versus messaging from advertising and social media. Our culture mistakenly tells us that in order to be happy we need to do three things: 1) Love Things, 2). Use People, and 3). Worship Yourself. If you want to be happy, Brook recommends keeping the general formula but switching the focus: 1). Use Things, 2). Love People, and 3). Worship the Divine (however you interpret this).

• A three-step algorithm to become happier in life: 1). Understand what’s going on (enhance knowledge), 2) Practice it in life (wise action), and 3). Share it with others.

Monthly Favorites

• Click here to purchase Arthur Brooks’ book From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life.

• Click here to listen to The Good News About Your Inevitable Decline on the Ten Percent Happier podcast with Arthur Brooks and Dan Harris (75 minutes).

• Click here to listen to Dr. Ron Siegel talk The Science of Mindfulness at Talks at Google. One of the best overviews of what mindfulness is, what it’s not, and how to work with everyday problems, anxiety, and depression (65 minutes).

• Click here to listen to the podcast Vulnerability and Redemption with Adrian Grenier on the podcast A Bit of Optimism with Simon Sinek. Grenier, the former star of Entourage who had fame, money and everything else, shares his story of how his girlfriend dumped him which led to a journey of reflection, growth, and farming (24 minutes).

• Click here to listen to the podcast Equanimity: The Gifts of Non-Reactive Mindful Presence by Tara Brach. In her talk, Brach reminds us to pause and find an inner refuge when feeling angry and fearful; a resource many clients are relying on during these difficult times (42 minutes).

“I dreaded having the awkward conversation with my manager who was not showing up in the right way for her team. My usual tendency is to avoid conflict. Yet, by managing my discomfort and preparing for the discussion, I was able to share concrete examples of how she could improve. I learned that clear is kind and we got to a better place,” a client leader shared.

Most leaders arrive at the decision that being direct and honest is kind after learning the hard way; overcoming their mistaken belief they were helping someone by being “nice” to avoid hurt feelings. In fact, waiting too long to share constructive feedback can not only negatively impact someone’s development but also have the potential to lead to tears and drama, as one client recently shared.

As an executive coach, organizations often hire me to share difficult news with their leaders. I can’t count the number of times that client leaders have thanked me for giving them the direct, clear, and honest feedback that no one else was willing to share with them.

Most of us avoid conflict because it’s just so uncomfortable: tough emotions, physical sensations, and spinning thoughts often accompany these difficult situations. But, as I’m sure you know, conflict is a necessary outcome of working with others and if handled correctly can build bridges and lead to better solutions.

Many clients use a version of the questions (listed below) as a framework; they often share that taking time to prepare for the conversation can help minimize (though not necessarily eliminate) the discomfort (e.g., racing heart rate, tight chest, OCD thoughts, sweaty palms, etc.) associated with having a tough conversation.

Keep in mind it doesn’t have to, and won’t be, perfect. Despite your best efforts, your tone, body language, or phrasing might not be “perfect,” and that’s okay, it’s part of the process. Just make sure you set the right intention by preparing ahead for the meeting to bring out the best in you and (hopefully) the other party.

Click here to learn more about preparing for Courageous Conversations.