“Little Dog’s Rhapsody in the Night” by Mary Oliver

He puts his cheek against mine

and makes small, expressive sounds.

And when I’m awake, or awake enough

he turns upside down, his four paws

in the air

and his eyes dark and fervent.

“Tell me you love me,” he says.

“Tell me again.”

Could there be a sweeter arrangement? Over and over

he gets to ask.

I get to tell.

My husband and I had a wonderful weekend—dinners out, barbecuing, baking, and spending time with friends. Our home was full of conversation, laughter, and good food. Even our dog, The Bear—a sweet, extroverted lover of all beings—had a great time.

And yet, I found myself completely wiped out. I kept thinking: too much of a good thing can still be too much. Even joyful occasions can leave us feeling overwhelmed. I felt exhausted and overstimulated—until I glanced over at The Bear, passed out on a pillow on the couch, refusing to move. That was my cue: time to pause, recharge, and take a breath.

That moment got me thinking—not just about my own exhaustion, but about how often we push past our limits in the name of doing more, especially in leadership.

For many leaders, constant stress and the potential for exhaustion are a quiet undercurrent of daily life—driven by pressures that include meeting revenue and profit goals, managing difficult team dynamics, navigating tariffs and shifting political landscapes, and carrying responsibility for decisions that affect people and outcomes, to name just a few.

In this month’s newsletter, I want to share a simple but powerful practice I brought home from a recent hiking, biking, and meditation retreat at the Himalayan Institute: diaphragmatic belly breathing. This technique has been helping me reset, recharge, and show up with greater ease and presence.

My massage therapist, Nema Nyar, also emphasized the importance of activating the parasympathetic nervous system—the body’s natural “rest and digest” mode—through diaphragmatic belly breathing. It’s one of the most effective and accessible ways to quiet the mind and calm the body.

Recognizing the need to slow down and reset isn’t just about self-care—it’s foundational to how we show up as leaders in our personal lives, communities, and organizations. Grounded, intentional presence begins with regulating our breath—and ourselves.

Animals Know When to Rest

Animals naturally breathe diaphragmatically, especially when they are at rest or feeling safe. In fact, watching a relaxed animal—like a dog lying on its side or a cat curled in a sunny spot—is one of the best demonstrations of deep, belly-centered breathing.

How Animals Breathe at Rest

• When calm, their abdomen rises and falls gently—a sign of diaphragmatic belly breathing.
• Their chest barely moves, because the diaphragm is doing the work.
• Their breath is quiet, slow, and rhythmic, naturally regulating their nervous system.

Why This Matters (and What We Can Learn)

• Animals don’t override their breath with tension or overthinking—humans do.
• Under stress, we tend to breathe shallowly, using the upper chest.
• Animals don’t cling to thoughts—they follow their body’s cues, which helps keep them regulated and grounded—something we, too, can relearn.

Ever Watch a Sleeping Dog?

• You’ll see their belly move in and out slowly, sometimes followed by a big sigh—a natural nervous system “reset.”
• That sigh is a natural parasympathetic (rest and digest) response—the body’s way of saying: “I’m safe. I can let go.”

In Summary

Yes, animals do diaphragmatic belly breathing by default, especially in restful states. It’s part of how they stay regulated and recover from stress—something humans can consciously relearn by observing and practicing the same technique.

In Memory of Friday 2/28/11-7/29/24.
I will never forget you!

Recently, I heard Glennon Doyle talk about judgment as a survival technique — something I had never really considered before. But as she spoke, the idea that we judge others to protect ourselves began to make sense. It even helped me see and appreciate my mother, who passed away 17 months ago, in a new light. I came to understand that she may have judged others to manage her own emotions and sense of identity — and that I need to be aware of that same pattern in myself, so I don’t repeat it.

That insight — that we judge others as a form of self-protection — sparked a desire to take a deeper dive into the topic, which I’m exploring in this month’s newsletter.

Why We Judge: A Summary
Judging others is a natural human behavior, rooted in both evolutionary and psychosocial factors. While it can sometimes feel negative or unfair, it serves several psychological and social purposes:

• Mental Shortcuts: We make quick judgments to conserve mental energy and navigate our environments efficiently — a survival tactic that helped early humans assess safety, trustworthiness, and risk.
• Social Norms and Belonging: Judgment reinforces group values by flagging behaviors that don’t align with shared expectations, helping maintain group cohesion and encouraging conformity.
• Self-Esteem and Identity: Comparing ourselves to others can bolster our sense of competence or morality, shaping how we see ourselves in relation to others and within social groups.
• Sense of Control: Judging others gives us a way to organize and predict our interactions, offering a sense of order in an otherwise uncertain and unpredictable world.
• Emotional Regulation: Sometimes, judgment acts as a defense mechanism — allowing us to deflect our own discomfort or insecurities by focusing outward.

Judgment helps us evaluate risk, foster connection and belonging, bolster self-esteem, and make sense of a complex world. The challenge for leaders is learning how to balance this natural tendency with empathy, curiosity, and conscious awareness of our biases.

Why Understanding Our Judging Mind Matters
As leaders – in organizations, communities, and families ­– our role isn’t to eliminate judgment; it’s to notice when it shows up, understand where it’s coming from, and choose how we respond. When we do that well, the benefits cascade across our teams, our culture, and our lives.

What Does this Look Like in Practice?
By fostering psychological safety, curiosity, diversity, and emotional regulation, leaders can help themselves and others manage the downsides of a judgmental mind.

• Psychological Safety: People are more likely to speak up, admit mistakes, and take smart risks when they don’t fear being harshly judged
• Curiosity: Teams feel more connected, engaged, and open with leaders who show up as fair, thoughtful, and curious.
• Diversity: Nonjudgmental environments invite people to share new ideas and different perspectives — even when they challenge the status quo.
• Emotional Regulation: Practicing nonjudgment means regulating your own reactions, tuning into others, and responding with intention — all foundational to strong, human-centered leadership.

How to Manage Our Judging Minds
We can’t turn off our judgment — but we can pause, slow down, and engage our minds more intentionally, allowing space for curiosity, compassion, and more thoughtful leadership.

Here are a few thought questions to help us manage our judging minds:

• Can I pause my initial reactions and shift to a more curious mind state?
• What might I learn from this person’s perspective — especially if it differs from mine or the group’s point of view?
• Especially when I disagree, how can I suspend judgment, truly listen, and mirror back what I’m hearing so the other person feels seen and stays engaged?
• How can I separate the behavior from the person, and avoid taking it personally?
• How can I focus on bringing out the best in this person, even if we’re not naturally aligned?

In Closing
Judging is a natural human tendency — it’s how we make sense of the world and protect ourselves. But when left unchecked, it can lead to bias, disconnection, and missed opportunities.

As leaders, the goal isn’t to eliminate judgment, but to notice it, slow it down, and choose how we respond. When we do, we create space for stronger relationships, better decisions, and more inclusive, high-performing teams.

Deeper Dive
Click here to listen to“Why Am I Like This?” with Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach on the Ten Percent Happier Podcast with Dan Harris (52 minutes).

In an inspiring episode of the 10% Happier podcast titled “Are You Letting Politics Make You Bitter or Better? A Psychological Survival Conversation with CNN’s Van Jones,” Dan Harris and Van Jones explore how we can stay calm, grounded, and even hopeful during politically challenging and divisive times. While the conversation centers on politics, its message carries broader relevance—offering guidance on how we can show up even, sane, helpful, and compassionate leaders in both our personal and professional lives.

Right now, a lot of people are feeling emotionally, mentally, and even morally worn down by the current administration, the political climate, and the economy. A term I recently came across—”Trump anxiety disorder”—while it may sound exaggerated, reflects how deeply this moment is affecting people. Business leaders are also feeling the heat, navigating economic uncertainty, shifting markets, and workforce challenges. It’s a lot—and it can make staying hopeful, clear, and engaged feel harder than ever.

Jones and Harris remind us that even in difficult times, we still have some agency. While we may not be able to control external events or how others show up, we can choose how we respond. They describe how they manage their professional lives by staying grounded in purpose and responding to difficulty with intention rather than reactivity. One of the most practical tools they share is the ability to shift their emotional and mental state through something as simple as managing the length of their breath, their posture, and sense of purpose. Jones explains that when he lengthens his breath (by dropping down into his diagram) or puts his shoulders back and stands up straight, it sends a signal to his mind that he is strong. These small physical choices help him show up with clarity and strength, rather than fear or anxiety.

Their conversation invites us to reflect on how our brains are wired—and encourages us to actively retrain our minds so we can show up with clarity, curiosity, and compassion, even when the world feels overwhelming. It’s about developing the emotional discipline to stay open, creative, and resilient—especially in moments when it would be easier to shut down or lash out.

Jones also challenges us to consider not just what we do, but who we choose to be. Instead of asking, “What should I say or do?” he encourages us to ask, “How do I want to be in this moment?” He mentions that sometimes he chooses to be curious, sometimes clear—and that he makes a conscious effort to show up with humanity and vulnerability.

As Jones puts it, “You don’t shrink by learning, you grow by learning.”

The episode closes with a few thoughtful questions that help us become more intentional in how we show up, especially under pressure:

• What is my mission? What do I want to contribute? Jones shares that his mission in life is to help create a human civilization that works.
• How do I want to be—not just in moments of ease, but in moments of discomfort?
• What can I let go of—ego, judgment, reactivity—that no longer serves me or those around me?

Ultimately, this episode isn’t just about politics—it’s about cultivating the inner capacity to show up with purpose, clarity, curiosity, and compassion, especially in divided times.

For a deeper dive, click here to listen to “Are You Letting Politics Make You Bitter or Better? A Psychological Survival Conversation with CNN’s Van Jones,” on the Ten Percent Happier Podcast with Dan Harris (21 minutes).

Do you ever feel like you’re running on empty, pushing through stress without a break? Many of us have been conditioned to believe that resilience means powering through—no matter what. But according to Dr. Aditi Nerurkar, author of The 5 Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience, true resilience isn’t about toxic resilience—forcing yourself to endure stress at all costs. Instead, it’s about developing a habit of resetting the brain and body to recover from adversity in a healthy, sustainable way.

Dr. Nerurkar explains that resilience is biological—our bodies are designed to recover from stress, but we must create intentional reset moments throughout the day to support this natural process. One of the most effective, time-efficient, and evidence-based ways to do this is through the “Stop, Breathe, Be” practice.

• Stop – Pause for a moment before transitioning to your next task.
• Breathe – Take a few slow, deep belly breaths.
• Be – Stay fully present for a few seconds, noticing your thoughts, emotions, and surroundings (while continuing to breathe).

According to Dr. Nerurkar, by practicing “Stop, Breathe, Be” 30-40 times a day—before and after meetings, while waiting for an email to send, or before responding to a message—you can retrain your brain to shift away from maladaptive stress patterns and toward healthy stress/emotional regulation. Over time (about 8 weeks, the time it takes to form a habit), this small but powerful practice rewires your brain, fostering greater calm and confidence.

Additional stress managements practices from Dr. Nerurkar:

• Create a “MOST” Goal – Shift from self-criticism to clarity by setting a goal that is Motivating, Objective, Small, and Timely. This approach reframes your inner dialogue, helping you engage your thinking brain instead of your stress response.

• Honor Boundaries & Celebrate Saying No – True resilience includes knowing your limits and advocating for your own well-being without guilt.

• Prioritize Rest & Recovery – Your body and mind require downtime to function at their best. Making rest a priority is an essential part of sustainable resilience.

• Maintain a Gratitude Journal – Each day, write down five things you’re grateful for and why. Studies show that after 90 days, this simple practice can improve mood and enhance overall well-being.

• Try Therapeutic Writing – For a deeper emotional reset, practice therapeutic writing by journaling about a traumatic event for 20 to 25 minutes per day over four consecutive days. Research suggests that handwriting (rather than typing) activates different neural pathways in the brain, making the process more effective for emotional processing. Expect that by day two or three, you may experience a surge of intense emotions, but by day four, many people find these feelings begin to resolve naturally. This structured approach can help reframe difficult experiences and support long-term emotional healing.

Additional Resources:

• Click here to learn more about the book The 5 Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience by Dr. Aditi Nerurkar.
• Click here to listen to Stress Reduction: 5 Free, Quick, Science-Backed Strategies with Dr. Aditi Nerurkar on the Ten Percent Happier Podcast with Dan Harris (67 minutes).

Last month, I shared how Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt’s Getting the Love You Want workshop positively impacted my marriage. Inspired by their work, I signed up for their Safe Conversations® workshop to bring relational competency skills to organizational leaders and their teams.

What is Safe Conversations®? 

Developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Safe Conversations® is a methodology designed to help people communicate in ways that foster connection rather than conflict. The goal of Safe Conversations® is to turn conversations into opportunities for healing and deeper understanding rather than reactive arguments.

Safe Conversations® helps us:

• Create psychological safety by focusing on the energy between people.
• Communicate without criticism and listen without judgment.
• Shift from reactivity to curiosity, enhancing emotional and physical well-being.
• Engage in lateral (equal) dialogue rather than power-driven interactions.
• Transform the way we relate at home and at work.

This approach emphasizes skill development, not therapy, and centers around four key practices:

1. Structured Dialogue: Establishes safety through predictability and specific sentence stems, allowing participants to understand what comes next.
2. Awareness & Empathy: Promotes safety by ensuring individuals feel seen, heard, and validated.
3. Zero Negativity Commitment: Maintains safety by eliminating putdowns, judgments, and criticisms from conversations.
4. Affirmations: Cultivates safety and healing, through fun, appreciation, and caring behaviors.

Key guidelines for Safe Conversations® include:

1. Speak with Intention

• Use “I” statements to express personal experiences and avoid blame. Example: Instead of “You never listen to me,” say “I feel unheard when I try to share my thoughts.”
• Focus on your own experiences rather than making assumptions about others.
• Keep statements concise and clear to avoid overwhelming your listener.

2. Listen with Curiosity

• Practice “mirroring” by repeating back what the speaker has said to ensure understanding. Example: “What I hear you saying is that you feel overwhelmed when I don’t respond right away. Did I get that right?”
• Validate the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree. Example: “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
• Show empathy by acknowledging their emotions. Example: “That sounds really frustrating. I can understand why this matters to you.”

3. Regulate Emotional Reactivity

• Pause before responding to manage emotional reactions. Pausing helps you respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally.
• Avoid behaviors like criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling.
• If emotions escalate, take a break and return to the conversation once everyone is calm.

4. Structure the Conversation Using the Safe Conversations® Process

• Mirror: Repeat back what you heard without adding opinions.
• Validate: Acknowledge that the other person’s perspective makes sense.
• Empathize: Show understanding of their emotions.

5. Create a Safe Emotional Space

• Avoid interrupting or correcting while the other person is speaking.
• Stay present by eliminating distractions such as your phone or computer.
• Set a positive intention before engaging in difficult conversations (e.g., “I want to understand, not just respond.”).

Engaging in Safe Conversations® builds emotional safety, ensuring everyone feels seen, heard, and valued. This approach reduces conflict by shifting conversations from blame to understanding and strengthens relationships by fostering deeper connection and empathy.

To learn more about Safe Conversations® click here to visit the official site.

Last month, my husband and I attended a workshop called Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Yes, it sounds a little corny, but over the years, I’ve learned that corny can be surprisingly effective! The core idea of the workshop is to cultivate a healthy brain—a state of mind that feels safe and free from danger, rather than operating in survival mode (fight, flight, or freeze).

There were many powerful takeaways, but three stood out to me, and I’d like to share them with you to see if they resonate:

1. Affirmations and the Value of an Evening Appreciation Practice

Each evening, my husband and I take turns sharing three things we appreciate about each other and why. This simple yet powerful practice fosters warmth and strengthens our bond.

To enhance the impact, the recipient can reflect back what they heard by saying something like, “Let me see if I got this. Here’s what I heard…” and then checking for anything missed with, “Did I get it all? Is there more?”

To make it even cornier (and more memorable), we close with the phrase: “You are Wonderful. I am Wonderful. And That’s the Truth.” The intention is to bring a sense of awe, mystery, and wonder to the relationship.

2. Honoring Boundaries

In this practice, when either my husband or I want to speak with the other, instead of interrupting or barging in, we check if it’s a good time to talk or if it would be better to schedule a later time. While it might seem counterintuitive to schedule conversations with someone you live or work with, this approach respects the fact that everyone has their own internal dialogue and mental ‘movie’ playing at any given moment.

It’s as simple as asking, “Is now a good time to talk? If not, when would work for you?” This small change has created a calmer atmosphere in our home, reducing unnecessary tension.

3. The Zero Negativity Challenge

This challenge involves shifting from judgment to curiosity and affirmation, and consciously avoiding shaming, criticizing, or blaming. The world can often feel like a hostile place, and this practice creates a more peaceful and trusting partnership while reducing everyday anxiety.

What is Negativity? Negativity is any behavior that someone else experiences as harmful or critical. It’s rooted in our innate negativity bias—a tendency to focus on what’s wrong with people, situations, or the world. To improve relationships and boost happiness, we need to actively ‘do the work’ to be more positive.

Examples of Negative Behaviors:

• Showing irritability or impatience while someone is talking.
• Immediately correcting or refuting what someone else says.
• Interrupting or changing the subject to yourself.
• Dismissing or denying the other person’s experience.

By moving away from these habits and replacing them with curiosity and validation, we’ve created a more peaceful and harmonious feeling in our partnership and home.

Applying These Practices Beyond Personal Relationships

While these practices are designed to enhance the quality of romantic partnerships, I believe they have valuable applications in organizational settings as well. I challenge you to experiment with these ideas and see which ones resonate in your work or community environments.

Sometimes, the smallest changes can make the biggest difference. Why not give it a try?

Additional Resources:

• Click here to read How to Talk with Anyone about Anything: The Practice of Safe Conversations by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen Lakely Hunt, Ph.D.
• Click here to read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen Lakely Hunt, Ph.D.