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When was the last time someone really made you angry? And even though you’re clear about why you’re right, and they’re wrong, and your closet allies, including your mom and best friend agree with you, there’s one small obstacle, you still need to work with that person (albeit with better boundaries).

For example, it might be to get your colleague to stop a certain unacceptable behavior, like talking about you behind your back. It could be to get your peer down the hall to stop making decisions that impact your team without informing or consulting with you first.

So how might you settle matters with this person, that is improve your situation and get what you want, without causing World War III in the process?

Working along with clients, we’ve created a two-step process: how to prepare and how to engage in critical conversations so that you are better able to stay grounded, calm and be an effective communicator.  Feel free to email me at cqb@quartner.com and we’ll be happy to send you our tool just write: “How to Effectively Manage Conflict” in the subject.

Back in the 90’s when I was single, dating and living in New York City a friend shared her concern for me because I was not following the formula prescribed in “The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right.” In fact, according to her, I was breaking the rules…and therefore guaranteed to remain a single women living in NYC for the rest of my years.

23 years later as a wife, mother and executive development consultant, I still find myself seeking out my own way as well as encouraging my clients (and kids!) to find their own voice and resist the so called “experts” and their formulas.

The philosophy that a person is an expert in their own life (versus the coach), doesn’t always sit well. I few years back, I was working for a firm that wanted me to replace a client’s mantra, one that had been working for her since she was 8 years old, with their own formula mantra, something they created based on the “research.” Needless to say, the owner asked me to leave the company, but first he gave me an earful, yelling at me that I took my clients for granted and all my business would dry up. I was a little shaken up after that conversation but called my friend Joan who encouraged me to ignore that so called “expert” and listen to my own voice. Thankfully, it’s about 5 years later, and my business has never been more fulfilling or busier.

So while there is an educational process to learning more about what it means to be a better partner, parent, employee or leader, and yes the research can be useful, ultimately, it is our own responsibility to find out what works for us. We are all different. What works beautifully for one person, doesn’t necessarily work for another. People behave, communicate and lead differently.

But what successful individuals have in common is something I call mindful leadership. That is, showing up in a way that brings out the best in those around them.

If you have a minute or two, drop a line cqb@quartner.com, and let me know what’s going on in your life. How are you building trust and finding happiness with your team.  Always love to hear from you!

“Maybe there’s a reason God gave us two ears, and one mouth.”

I think of listening as first desire and then as an ability to turn off our internal dialogue so we are present and focused on what the other person is trying to communicate. Not always a simple task.

In the age of social media facebook and twitter “shouting contests,” truly listening to someone can be a tremendous a gift, to both the speaker and listener.

Yoga, meditation, journaling, and exercise are all examples of helpful tools in training our minds to settle down so we are able to turn off our internal dialogue, stay present, and truly listen to the other person.

I love Nhat Hanh’s definition of deep listening because it takes listening to a whole new level and builds deep trust between two individuals:

“Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give the person a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him to correct his perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don’t interrupt. You don’t argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help him suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing.”
– Nhat Hanh

I find the following exercise an interesting and enriching experience to practice with others, especially children.

Take the listener’s challenge: for the next week, make a concerted effort to listen to the person in front of you for five minutes without interrupting them. What do you notice? What, if anything surprised you? How were you able to let the other person know you were listening without actually speaking to them? What did you learn? I would love to hear about your “listening experience,” feel free to shoot me an email with your experience at cqb@quartner.com.

Recently I bought shoes on Zappos.com. After wearing them for a day, I felt disappointed. So I called Zappos to “share my story,” that is that I bought a pair of shoes, spent more than I normally would, wore them for a day, and that they weren’t comfortable. The customer service rep said, “I’m sorry but we don’t take back worn shoes but would you mind holding for a minute?” When she returned, she explained that based on my history of being a good customer she would provide me with a full refund. Wow, she had me hooked, I was curious.

So I asked her, “Why would you and Zappos be willing to do this – especially since I wore the shoes?” She thanked me for being honest and explained Zappos wanted me to be happy and they would donate the shoes to charity if they couldn’t be resold. That’s the first part of the story, a happy customer, with a $200 credit.

It gets better, here’s the second part: We continued talking and I asked her, “What’s it like to work at Zappos?” She mentioned she LOVED her job, felt empowered to make decisions concerning how to help her customers and asked me if I had read the autobiography by the Zappos CEO, “Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion, and Purpose.” I said no but I was a consultant trying to learn more about trust, loved to read, and would download a sample to my Kindle. After chatting some more we ended the call and I thanked her.

The other day, about a week and half after that conversation, after a long day at work, I received an unexpected gift in the mail from the customer service rep (ha! Now I wish I could remember her name to thank her) – it was the book, “Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion, and Purpose.” Wow not only did that make me happy, it made my day.

If you have a minute or two, drop a line cqb@quartner.com, and let me know what’s going on in your life. How are you building trust and finding happiness with your team. Always love to hear from you!