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“Through silence, through meditation, and through non-judgment, you will access the first law, the Law of Pure Potentiality.”
– Deepak Chopra

As part of our work to reach their potential, leaders often ask me for meditation exercises, which is why I’d like to share this simple self-reflection I practiced with Deepak Chopra at one of his recent talks. I love this exercise for its power to provide us with more space and direction in our lives, and yet, in such a simple and attainable way.

Meditation Directions (source: Deepak Chopra)

Sit in a relaxing position, close your eyes, and bring your attention to your breath. For a few seconds, allow your mind to settle into your breath. Now begin to move your awareness into your heart and allow your breath to settle into your heart.

Quietly, ask yourself the following four questions, one at a time, slowly. Allowing a few minutes in reflection for each question.
1. Who am I?
2. What do I want?
3. What is my purpose?
4. What am I grateful for?

Deepak advises that we not force the answers to these questions. That instead, we should just be aware. That is we should not interpret, rather just be aware using something he calls “SIFT.” In other words, pay attention and notice your S: Sensations, I: Images, F: Feelings/Emotions, and T: Thoughts and see what comes up for you.You may decide to journal, and take a few notes, or it may be enough for you to simply notice and observe.

So I challenge you to take the meditation challenge: for the next week, take 10-15 minutes to practice the exercise. Enjoy the space. I would love to hear about your “meditation experience.” What did you notice? What did you learn about yourself? Feel free to shoot me an email and share at cqb@quartner.com.

In today’s world, where we all struggle to balance home and work life, Dr. Travis Bradberry provides us with strategies on how to manage our stress levels so we may increase our performance and feel better at the same time in “How Successful People Stay Calm.” Top ten themes (that coincidentally executives often share with me) include:

1. Attitude of Gratitude: why not try keeping a coaching journal: What surprised me today? What moved me or touched me today? What inspired me today?

2. Avoid asking “What if?

3. Stay Positive

4. Disconnect from your PDA: unplug by turning off your phone/email to give your body a break from a constant source stress

5. Limit Caffeine

6. Sleep is Not for the Weak

7. Squash Negative Talk

8. Keep Perspective: attend your child’s soccer game, play golf for the afternoon, or even take a short walk to change your scenery

9. Breathe

10. Tap into Support Systems

Take a few moments to read Dr. Travis Bradberry’s article and you may just enhance your performance and feel better at the same time.

Would love to hear from you about how you manage your stress – What works? What doesn’t? Feel free to shoot me an email.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.   Anonymous

“You have lung cancer and six months left to live,” said my father’s doctor. Fortunately, the doctor was 100% wrong. Dad did not have cancer but instead aspiration pneumonia and five more years.

But aspiration pneumonia, while not cancer, had its own set of difficult complications. Unfortunately, Dad had lost his ability to swallow properly because food and liquids were going down the wrong pipe, into his lungs, and causing infection. During his final five years of life, I watched this once invincible, active man, who used to refer to himself as one handsome devil, fight for his life.

So while the disease took away my father’s ability to eat, drink and breathe on his own, it did not take away his ability to teach us how to live and how to love. For the remainder of his life, my dad was deprived of the simple pleasures we often take for granted, he used an oxygen machine, had a tracheotomy, and a feeding tub. His medical charts had  “NPO” stamped on them, acronym for “Nil Per Oz,” a Latin phrase that translates to nothing through the mouth: no food and no water.

I don’t think anyone, including my dad, would have believed he could endure these new set of circumstances but somehow he did, rising to the occasion and teaching us the meaning of really hanging in there and surviving.

Nine Lessons From My Dad:

Always have a sense of humor
My dad had an incredible sense of humor and thankfully the illness did not change this. His arms were covered with bruises and scabs from the many needles administered – but rather than feel sorry for himself – he often joked about his predicament, calling himself a “human pin cushion.” Up until the moment he died, he kept his sense of humor. In fact, right before he died, when his nurse asked him to open his mouth for morphine, Dad jokingly said, “I thought you were a nurse, since when did you become my dentist?”

Take care of yourself, first
One day I came to visit Dad in the hospital. I rose early, barely brushed my teeth and drove quickly to the hospital because I wanted to be there when he awoke. He opened his eyes, took one look at me and said, “Go home, you look terrible.” I learned I was no good showing up for someone if I wasn’t taking care of myself.

Soon afterwards, my dad was put in a medically induced coma so his lungs would benefit from something called a RotoProne. I walked into the ICU and there was my father, unconscious and spinning around like a rotisserie chicken. I made sure I was at the hospital when he awoke, but this time, I put on my “Chanel” make up, fixed my hair, and wore something nice. His doctors told us Dad might not be coherent, that his brain might have been damaged and therefore he might not be able to communicate with us. Thankfully when he awoke, not only was he coherent but he said, “gee, you look wonderful, did you do something different with your hair?” 

Keep perspective
I learned to take care of myself and find ways to take a step back and maintain perspective. I practiced Yoga, took long walks, and kept in touch with family, friends, and colleagues who provided comfort and support. I kept on working because my clients and colleagues helped me be in the world of the living (at a time when I was surrounded by so much dying) and stay centered and grounded.

How to listen
I learned that sometimes the best kind of listening is just being with someone and being quiet. On many occasions I drove from New Jersey to Maryland just “to be” with my dad at the hospital. Not many words were exchanged but we were connected.

Be grateful
I learned to be grateful for the simple pleasures of life. Taking a walk, breathing, eating and drinking. A lick of a coconut popsicle, a sip of water, these were a few of the treats we would sneak for Dad when no one was looking. He often joked and laughed about what he would do for his favorite meal – a bacon cheeseburger, fries and a coke.

I was also grateful for my husband and siblings. My husband, at sacrifice to our own immediate family, always encouraged me to visit my dad. And because of this, I have no regrets. My siblings and I took turns, juggling our schedules, so that we could support each other as well as my mother and father.

The so-called experts are not always right
My mother, who never attended college, understood my dad’s illness better than many of his doctors and nurses. She intercepted unnecessary procedures and even a few surgeries (just before he was being wheeled away) by understanding his situation and being his advocate.

See beyond the physical
One father’s day, I went to the hospital to give my dad a card. He started to cry – I had never seen him cry before – okay maybe once before when our dog died – so I asked him “what’s the matter Dad?” He told me he was embarrassed by his situation and sorry I had to see him that way. I don’t remember what I said but I do know I learned to look at my dad, see him for the man he was, beyond his physical condition and limitations – and not let his illness define or diminish him.

Listen to your own voice
I learned to trust myself and do the right thing. While well intentioned, I ignored comments like, “he’s an old man, you have a young family, you’re busy, he can do without a visit.” The times I spent with my dad were gifts for both of us.

Be true to yourself and your own values
After a new heart valve, open heart surgery, calls to 911, endless emergency room visits and a new cancer growth (that the doctors now wanted to treat with radiation and chemo), Dad said he had had enough, no more hospitals, he was staying home.

Three months later, my dad died peacefully at home in his bedroom and on his own terms. I was fortunate enough to be with him as he took his final breath.

It’s been a little over two years since Dad passed away peacefully and on his own terms. I feel his presence every day. I try to slow down, stay grounded, keep perspective, and not take anything or anyone for granted. I learned that the most meaningful experiences happen when we are brave enough to be vulnerable about who we are and what we need with the people we love and trust, regardless of the circumstances.

This blog entry was dedicated to my Dad, “Jimmy Quartner” and the kick-off of a mindful leadership series – thank you for reading.

It’s now 2014 and a new year has begun … many of us are setting resolutions – how can we become fitter, thinner, smarter, richer, more likeable? And the list continues.

In our current Facebook generation, how many of us (including myself!) become seduced by posting and viewing pictures that reflect an image of our perfect lives to our “friends” and family. Isn’t it ironic that our behavior on Facebook is really the opposite of what true friendship and connection is about?

Maybe it’s the freedom that comes along with growing older but I’m learning there’s more perfection in being okay with being imperfect. It’s a pretty powerful feeling when we share with someone (we trust) a side of us that isn’t so perfect and they are still willing to hold that space with us, accepting and loving us for who we are. Not the perfect picture posted on Facebook.

Not sure it’s the best comparison but I often think of this story …. When we moved in to our new home, I complained to my Aunt Eunice about a scratch either my husband or I created on our beautiful new dresser, she replied, “good, now it looks like you live there and you can start to enjoy.”

So while we are still accountable for our behavior and how it impacts others, maybe we can let go of the notion that we should all have picture perfect lives, because we don’t.

A toast to a happy, healthy and prosperous 2014 filled with may rich experiences and a couple of bumps along the way, supported by friends and family who love us for who we are.

Feeling triggered whenever you deal with a particular difficult person who is part of your life, that is, they are not going away – you work with them or you are related to them and there’s no getting around it, you have to interact with them. You are stuck with them and they are stuck with you!

What’s your story about their story?

Here’s a tool that has helped some of my clients stay more grounded and calm when dealing with difficult individuals:

Facts  →  Story  →  Emotions  →  Behaviors

Everyone has their story about how they got to be how they are.

Try changing the story you are telling yourself about the other person. This way you might be able to better control, manage and direct your own emotions and behaviors.

Here are two examples:

Recently a client used this tool and changed her perspective on dealing with a difficult employee she was managing named Bob. When she interacted with him, rather than get annoyed (okay she still got a little annoyed), she turned towards having a more compassionate view of Bob by thinking about his difficult childhood (she learned he lost his parents at a very young age) – and that might be why Bob is the way he is. Same facts as before, but she changed her story about Bob, had different emotions about him and ultimately, was able to stay more grounded and calm during the difficult situations, feeling more compassionate towards herself (for having to deal with this employee) and her employee Bob (for being the way he is).

Another client mentioned he was changing his story about his boss Steve by bringing a sense of humor to the situation – reminding himself that while his boss Steve was making life difficult for him during many situations, his boss had to live with himself 24 hours a day (versus the few hours a day my client interacted with his boss Steve!). This helped my client bring a more compassionate view towards his boss and take a lighter view towards the situation.

Feel free to share your stories about how you have managed a difficult situation by shooting me an email about your story!

Recently I read a book that has put a whole new perspective on what it means to have gratitude and keep hope alive. I often find myself thinking about Amanda – what she endured and how she learned to forgive.

While difficult to read, A House in the Sky is a memoire describing Amanda Lindhout’s fifteen months in Somalia where she was held hostage and tortured by a group of Islamic fundamentalists. She was beaten, starved, chained up, kept in the dark, and repeatedly raped – and yet Amanda Lindhout inspires us with her resilience and her ability to survive and find hope in the most challenging of situations.

A little girl chatting to herself while she plays, a left-behind passport photo of a young boy, a Christmas gift made from bottle caps, q-tips and dental floss, sunlight peaking through a window….Amanda Lindhout savors these moments while she expresses gratitude for the simplest of pleasures and continues to search for hope in a living hell.

During her darkest times, Amanda visualizes a beautiful home, A House in the Sky, where she fills it with the people she loves, the memories she treasures and the future she dreams of.

As I mentioned, it’s not an easy book to read, but it might just change you, as it has me, with renewed hope and gratitude for the simplest of life’s pleasures that we so often take for granted.

“An operational working definition of mindfulness is the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment by moment.”

– Jon Kabat-Zinn

Lost keys, a quickly consumed bag of chips or a conversation that gets the better of us…we all struggle to remain present to the moment at hand. In a frantic and multi-tasking world, it’s often a challenge to be mindful and focus on one thing at a time.  When the phone rings – what do you do? Recently, a colleague suggested letting my phone ring one time, taking a deep breath, and then picking it up. Simple concept not easy to do but the impact of being mindful versus reactive could make a big difference.

In my coaching work with executives, I help individuals get unstuck from their “frantic doing” role and step into a more thoughtful leadership role. A leader needs enough “space” in his or her day to reflect, think, create, and lead by example.

Recently I had the privilege of coaching 30 individuals in an organization and what pleasantly surprised me was most individuals mentioned they were now focusing on how they were “showing up.” For example, one client mentioned pausing to reflect and re-focus while transitioning from one meeting to another and another mentioned taking more time to prepare and be less judgmental while delivering a difficult feedback session.

What can you do to be more mindful about how you show up in your daily life? I encourage you to give yourself the gift of space, take a moment to step back, pause, and make a deliberate decision on what you want to focus on.  Whether it’s jogging, meditating, doing Yoga, journaling, or taking time out of your busy day to just sit and think, we all have our own way to make sure we have enough space in our lives to reflect so that we are more mindful about how we show up and spend our time with ourselves, our families, our friends and our co-workers.

For more information about Mindfulness: Getting Its Share of Attention –  read this article from the NY Times.

Recently I came across this quote and it resonated with me. This quote reminds me to manage my expectations, let go of my attachment to how other people behave and show up, and turn towards gratitude. What does this quote mean to you? Shoot me an email and share your thoughts!