Blog

It’s now 2014 and a new year has begun … many of us are setting resolutions – how can we become fitter, thinner, smarter, richer, more likeable? And the list continues.

In our current Facebook generation, how many of us (including myself!) become seduced by posting and viewing pictures that reflect an image of our perfect lives to our “friends” and family. Isn’t it ironic that our behavior on Facebook is really the opposite of what true friendship and connection is about?

Maybe it’s the freedom that comes along with growing older but I’m learning there’s more perfection in being okay with being imperfect. It’s a pretty powerful feeling when we share with someone (we trust) a side of us that isn’t so perfect and they are still willing to hold that space with us, accepting and loving us for who we are. Not the perfect picture posted on Facebook.

Not sure it’s the best comparison but I often think of this story …. When we moved in to our new home, I complained to my Aunt Eunice about a scratch either my husband or I created on our beautiful new dresser, she replied, “good, now it looks like you live there and you can start to enjoy.”

So while we are still accountable for our behavior and how it impacts others, maybe we can let go of the notion that we should all have picture perfect lives, because we don’t.

A toast to a happy, healthy and prosperous 2014 filled with may rich experiences and a couple of bumps along the way, supported by friends and family who love us for who we are.

Feeling triggered whenever you deal with a particular difficult person who is part of your life, that is, they are not going away – you work with them or you are related to them and there’s no getting around it, you have to interact with them. You are stuck with them and they are stuck with you!

What’s your story about their story?

Here’s a tool that has helped some of my clients stay more grounded and calm when dealing with difficult individuals:

Facts  →  Story  →  Emotions  →  Behaviors

Everyone has their story about how they got to be how they are.

Try changing the story you are telling yourself about the other person. This way you might be able to better control, manage and direct your own emotions and behaviors.

Here are two examples:

Recently a client used this tool and changed her perspective on dealing with a difficult employee she was managing named Bob. When she interacted with him, rather than get annoyed (okay she still got a little annoyed), she turned towards having a more compassionate view of Bob by thinking about his difficult childhood (she learned he lost his parents at a very young age) – and that might be why Bob is the way he is. Same facts as before, but she changed her story about Bob, had different emotions about him and ultimately, was able to stay more grounded and calm during the difficult situations, feeling more compassionate towards herself (for having to deal with this employee) and her employee Bob (for being the way he is).

Another client mentioned he was changing his story about his boss Steve by bringing a sense of humor to the situation – reminding himself that while his boss Steve was making life difficult for him during many situations, his boss had to live with himself 24 hours a day (versus the few hours a day my client interacted with his boss Steve!). This helped my client bring a more compassionate view towards his boss and take a lighter view towards the situation.

Feel free to share your stories about how you have managed a difficult situation by shooting me an email about your story!

Recently I read a book that has put a whole new perspective on what it means to have gratitude and keep hope alive. I often find myself thinking about Amanda – what she endured and how she learned to forgive.

While difficult to read, A House in the Sky is a memoire describing Amanda Lindhout’s fifteen months in Somalia where she was held hostage and tortured by a group of Islamic fundamentalists. She was beaten, starved, chained up, kept in the dark, and repeatedly raped – and yet Amanda Lindhout inspires us with her resilience and her ability to survive and find hope in the most challenging of situations.

A little girl chatting to herself while she plays, a left-behind passport photo of a young boy, a Christmas gift made from bottle caps, q-tips and dental floss, sunlight peaking through a window….Amanda Lindhout savors these moments while she expresses gratitude for the simplest of pleasures and continues to search for hope in a living hell.

During her darkest times, Amanda visualizes a beautiful home, A House in the Sky, where she fills it with the people she loves, the memories she treasures and the future she dreams of.

As I mentioned, it’s not an easy book to read, but it might just change you, as it has me, with renewed hope and gratitude for the simplest of life’s pleasures that we so often take for granted.

“An operational working definition of mindfulness is the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment by moment.”

– Jon Kabat-Zinn

Lost keys, a quickly consumed bag of chips or a conversation that gets the better of us…we all struggle to remain present to the moment at hand. In a frantic and multi-tasking world, it’s often a challenge to be mindful and focus on one thing at a time.  When the phone rings – what do you do? Recently, a colleague suggested letting my phone ring one time, taking a deep breath, and then picking it up. Simple concept not easy to do but the impact of being mindful versus reactive could make a big difference.

In my coaching work with executives, I help individuals get unstuck from their “frantic doing” role and step into a more thoughtful leadership role. A leader needs enough “space” in his or her day to reflect, think, create, and lead by example.

Recently I had the privilege of coaching 30 individuals in an organization and what pleasantly surprised me was most individuals mentioned they were now focusing on how they were “showing up.” For example, one client mentioned pausing to reflect and re-focus while transitioning from one meeting to another and another mentioned taking more time to prepare and be less judgmental while delivering a difficult feedback session.

What can you do to be more mindful about how you show up in your daily life? I encourage you to give yourself the gift of space, take a moment to step back, pause, and make a deliberate decision on what you want to focus on.  Whether it’s jogging, meditating, doing Yoga, journaling, or taking time out of your busy day to just sit and think, we all have our own way to make sure we have enough space in our lives to reflect so that we are more mindful about how we show up and spend our time with ourselves, our families, our friends and our co-workers.

For more information about Mindfulness: Getting Its Share of Attention –  read this article from the NY Times.

Recently I came across this quote and it resonated with me. This quote reminds me to manage my expectations, let go of my attachment to how other people behave and show up, and turn towards gratitude. What does this quote mean to you? Shoot me an email and share your thoughts!

“Over the summer, our ten year old daughter Gabby took a local theatre class. As part of her evening ritual of trying to avoid bedtime, she proceeded to (finally) talk about what happened during her day at camp. Gabby had been excited about the prospect of acting (“I want to be on TV!”) and that morning had shared her desire to try out for the main part in “Frankenstone.” That night she told me, “Mom, I didn’t get the main part in Frankenstone.” I asked her how she felt about that. “Oh, I decided it was okay because it allowed me to learn all the other parts in in the play.”  I was a little surprised and impressed by her ability to remain positive, so I asked her how she did this and she replied, “Oh that’s easy, I ignored my little green monster! You know the little voice in my head that told me I should be angry and give up?”

We all have a “little green monster,” that is the voice in our head that tells us “we’re not smart enough, capable enough, thin enough – that is – simply just not good enough.”

It’s really up to each one of us, as part of our own self reflection practice, to simply notice our little green monster (maybe even make friends with it), and to not overact or harshly judge it, so we can move on to becoming our best selves. To borrow a Nike saying, Just Do It, or as one book suggests, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

A friend just emailed me these top 16 rules to success written by Bob Parsons, Founder of GoDaddy.

My favorites are #1: get and stay out of your comfort zone, #3: when you’re ready to quit, you’re closer than you think, #6: take things a day at a time, #15: don’t take yourself too seriously, and #16: there’s always a reason to smile. Would love to hear from you – shoot me an email – with which rules resonate with you and some “rules of your own.”

Click here for Bob Parson’s 16 Rules for Success

Have an important job interview coming up? About to deliver a big presentation to the board? What are your non-verbals saying about you?

Do you have a confident, comfortable, authentic “presence” or are you “stress reactive?” In this TED talk, Amy Cuddy talks about how our thoughts, feelings, and physiology are directly influenced by our non-verbals. Take on a power pose and change your life in a meaningful way!

Watch the video