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“A Mindful Leadership Story by Christopher Stevenson”

During my junior year of college, I became enamored with the sport of rowing and decided to give it a try. I signed up for the rowing club, attended practices, and set an ambitious goal of earning a seat on the “first boat” –  that is the top tier rowers on the team – particularly challenging given I was competing against others who had been rowing since freshman year or earlier.

I started training and continued to fall in love with the sport of rowing. Not only did my body become strong and lean, but I enjoyed the camaraderie of fellow rowers and the beautiful sunsets along the river. However, I was not yet aware of the true gift rowing would teach me.

In order to earn a spot on the “first boat,” we needed to pass a 2500 meter test. Because I was already a junior and a novice, I was nervous and fearful I would fail. My goal was to finish in sub 8:40 (8 minutes, 40 seconds).

After a considerable amount of physical training, it was now time to take the test and see if I could earn a spot on “first boat.” So, with butterflies in my stomach, I took a deep breath and started rowing. The first 1500 meters were a breeze and I remember thinking, “Wow! I’m at a sub 8:30 pace – that’s even better than my sub 8:40 goal!”

Unfortunately, things quickly changed. My heart was beating faster than I could take, and my legs were on fire…In other words, I was well past my pain threshold, and my mind took over – and not in a good way. I could not mentally push through the pain and hang in there. And, with just 700 meters to go, I began to slow down. I started gasping for air and could not complete the test. I have never forgotten the look of disappointment in Coach Bob’s eyes or the feeling of being a complete failure.

Rowing was no longer just about sunsets and having a good time. I would have to change my focus in order to meet my goal. After spending several days moping around and contemplating quitting, I realized failure was not an option and decided to give it my all.

I shifted my focus from the physical to include mental preparation. I practiced rowing, but more importantly, how to calm my mind and manage through the physical discomfort. I visualized successfully achieving my goal. I was prepared for the next opportunity, mentally and physically, and earned a spot on the “first boat.”

This turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life. Not only did I learn a valuable lesson about resilience and mental preparation, but I also went on to have a rewarding, competitive rowing career during college and beyond. The challenges I faced during my college rowing years are not unlike the challenges I face today in the business world and raising two daughters.

As a team leader, my focus continues to be on how I mentally prepare myself and manage my own discomfort, in order to do what’s best for our team and the business. Focusing on “how I show up,” for others and myself, is as important as understanding the business issues. Taking time out each day to reflect and renew has made it possible for me to remain calm, centered, and manage through tough situations and decisions.

As the father of two daughters who focus on their academics, participate in competitive sports, music, and other extra-curricular activities, I try to instill the value of meeting challenges head on and never giving up. I remind them that we often learn more from our failures than our successes … and to ask the important questions:

• How dedicated are we?
• How resilient?
• And, ultimately, how mentally prepared are we to face the tough moments, to remain calm and centered, and to achieve our goals?

I continue to be inspired by Chris’s leadership style. He always shows up calm and grounded during challenging situations, and he is always kind.

Christopher Stevenson is head of research and development for a reputable risk services firm and works in the areas of risk analytics, security and software development. He is an avid athlete, still training in rowing (though sometimes in his garage!), biking and running. He lives in New Jersey and enjoys spending time with his wife and two daughters.

In a recent coaching session, I shared with a client the concept of taking a few minutes to reflect about how he wanted to show up for an important meeting, that is how to be more mindful and grounded so the other person in the room walked away with the right impression. A simple idea my client had overlooked and was excited to try. I encouraged him to take a few minutes and write down exactly how he wanted to show up at his meeting. That is – what kind of impression did he want to make at the meeting? He even agreed to take a few dry runs by having his wife videotape a practice session (the beauty of iPhones and iPads!).

After an important but stressful meeting, another client, who was being bullied by her boss, called to tell me her meeting went well for the first 45 minutes, but instead of taking a quick coffee break to step back and remind herself of her goals to be grounded and non-reactive, she kept on going and as a result did not maintain her goals for the second half of the meeting. Lesson learned: take the 5 minute coffee break!

Many executives are focused on mindful leadership and have shared with me different strategies on how they focus on showing up grounded and present – whether it’s jotting down on a note card how they want to show up or taking 30 seconds to clear their mind as they transition through the door to a new meeting or scheduling time in their hectic calendars to reflect and strategize about their upcoming, busy week.

In our fast-paced world, where many of us are expected to “run” from meeting to meeting and think instantly and brilliantly on our feet – it is important – yet a challenge – to take a few minutes, step back, and think about how we want to show up.

Recently I’ve become curious about how certain professionals have a knack for showing up calm, grounded and able to handle pressure, uncertainty and even chaos. What experiences have helped? What do they do as part of their normal routines so they maintain presence?

So over the last year, I started a conversation with such leaders.

So you may have noticed, I have been and will be featuring a series of stories written by individuals I personally know to that have strong leadership presence.

As always, I would love to hear how you show up more mindfully – so feel free to drop me an email and let me know how you’ve learned to show up more mindfully.

“I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.” – Unknown

I recently coached an individual who was struggling with how he should show up when communicating with a difficult colleague. He explained to me that whenever there was a disagreement, his peer would start lashing out and ultimately play “win-lose” – that is say anything to make him appear like the righteous one and my client the bad guy. My client would leave the interaction feeling triggered and it would take time to cool off and get grounded.

While it’s not always this extreme, many of my clients struggle with difficult situations and people. So what can we do? How do we show up when someone does not want to engage in an open conversation, and play fair? While good communication strategies and proven tools often improve difficult situations and critical conversations – what do we do when they don’t? How do we remain grounded and non-reactive to the other person?

My client used the following mantra, “Accept, Let Go, Compassion.” He explained as follows:

• Accept how the other person communicates and accept that I feel triggered when these interactions occur.
• Let Go of the need to fix the situation (he realized he could not).
• Have Compassion for himself and his colleague. He understood that if his peer felt the need to lash out he probably wasn’t feeling so good about himself.

My client also started a meditation practice – 10-15 minutes per day. He meditated on the words, “Accept, Let Go, and Compassion.” He found over time he was able to take more of the balcony view, that is visualize himself from above the conversation, and show up more as an observer during these difficult conversations – rather than be in a reactive, angry mode. Inspiring.

My client found a way to establish better boundaries, take care of himself, and show up grounded and calm. And while it was never perfect, things did slightly improve between the two of them.

If you want more ideas on how to show up grounded and calm here is a link to a former blog I wrote Managing Your Lizard Brain: How to Stop Your Triggers!

“A Mindful Leadership Story by Dr. Joseph Zarge”

Like many adolescent science fiction enthusiasts of the 1970s, I read Frank Herbert’s Dune and closely identified with the protagonist, Paul.  When faced with a life-threatening situation, Paul would repeat this mantra to calm his mind:

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain… “

Paul’s words have stayed with me throughout my life, especially during challenging situations like my medical training, work as a physician, and athletic endeavors. In these moments, I have learned to focus on calming my mind so I perform to my best potential. Through experience, I know that once panic and fear take over, the likelihood of a good outcome drops considerably.

During my surgical residency in a trauma bay, I saw first hand how the skill of remaining calm and not allowing fear or panic to take over, is paramount. I quickly learned that while academic prowess and surgical skills were important, the residents who excelled were the ones who were able to perform under intense pressure and “keep their cool,”– especially when blood is spurting to the ceiling and a patient on the verge of death. In these type of emergency, life or death situations, the medical leader who was able to remain calm, made it easier for the medical team to follow instructions and achieve the best results for their patients.

There is a saying, “the first blood pressure to be taking in a life threatening trauma code should be the trauma leader’s and not the patient’s. Calm yourself, then spring into action.” My experience of being in the trauma bay reinforced the “fear is a mind killer” mantra. By observing surgical faculty and senior residents, I learned the value of having a calm leader in charge – someone who did not get pulled into the fear or panic that present during a “storm” of trauma.

I chose vascular surgery as my medical specialty and trained in Chicago. I also had the good fortune to train under a chief vascular surgeon who was known for intraoperative tirades and giving residents a hard time. However, I elected to choose him as my mentor because he had a reputation for being the best in the business. In the early days of my training, I remember being intimidated by this doctor’s “style,’’ that is his abrasive demeanor and verbal assaults during surgery. In fact, he would remain confrontational during the most difficult and delicate parts of the operation. Over time, I learned he had served as a surgeon in the military, operating in the most stressful environments and soon understood he was creating an exaggerated stress, to see if I could perform under “wartime” situations. I realized he knew he would not always be there to assist me, and was forcing me to develop the skill of keeping a clear mind during the most intense, extreme surgical situations.

To me, mindful leadership is the ability to keep one’s mind clear and calm, especially during the most difficult moments. I’ve witnessed smart people make terrible decisions and mistakes not because they did not know what to do, but because they were blinded by fear and panic. As a vascular surgeon in Atlanta, I continue to focus on remaining calm when there is a crisis, remembering my training and recalling the “fear is the mind-killer” mantra. In the operating room, I must lead and be certain of my decisions. It is one of the greatest “rushes” of surgery, and also the most terrifying. Fear is the mind killer but remaining calm in life’s storm allows the mind to see through the storm and beyond it.

Dr. Joseph Zarge is a successful vascular surgeon in Atlanta, Georgia. He is on the surgical faculty of Emory University School of Medicine and has been named as one of Atlanta’s Top Doctors in Atlanta Magazine.  On a more personal note, one of Dr. Zarge’s proudest accomplishments, along with his wife Ellen, is raising two sons, one who was just named valedictorian of his high school.  In addition to his professional work, Dr. Zarge relies on his “fear is a mind killer” mantra during his many athletic endeavors including skiing and tennis.

I love Trader Joes, not only for the food, but for the people who work there, who always have a smile on their face, a bottle of wine to recommend, and a story to share. I heard this one recently from Ben, one of my favorite Trader Joe employees…..

A beautiful Japanese girl whose parents owned a food store lived near the head priest, “first monk,” called Hakuin. One day, the young girl’s parents discovered she was pregnant. This made her parents angry. At first, she would not confess who the man was, but after much harassment she named the monk as the father of the unborn child.

In great anger the parents went to the monk and inquired. The only thing the monk would say, “is that so?”

After the child was born, the baby was brought to the monk. By this time, the monk had lost his reputation and had been ostracized by his community. However, this did not trouble him, instead he took very good care of the baby, obtaining milk from the neighbors and anything else the child needed.

A year later, the girl could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth, that the real father of the child was not the monk.

The mother and father of the girl quickly went to the monk to ask forgiveness, apologize at length, and get the child back. The monk only responded, “Is that so?” and willingly gave them the child.

I find this story meaningful in that it reminds me to try to stay grounded and out of the drama…which many of my executive clients strive to do as well. That is how they strive to “show up,” maintaining their leadership presence by remaining centered, calm, and not rattled by the chaotic environment and people surrounding them. Would love to hear how you’re doing, feel free to shoot me an email with your “is that so?” story.

“A Mindful Leadership Story by Dale Moss”

“People don’t care how much you know — until they know how much you care.”
– John C. Maxwell

There are many things that make up a great leader but, to me, there is a common strand that binds great leaders together. It’s caring. I have seen pyramids, trees, and all sorts of diagrams that overcomplicate what good leadership looks like. Of course, character, commitment, confidence, and competence are all essential qualities — but without caring — they are sterile.

Throughout my career, I have always tried to embody this critical element of leadership. The times I have demonstrated a sense of empathy and caring for the teams I have had the privilege to lead were the moments I felt most successful.

I have chosen to reflect on the people in my life who — by action — showed me what caring and leadership were really about and in the most profound way, set the stage for my leadership style.

Brother Bernadine

I grew up on Long Island and attended St. Anthony’s, a Franciscan high school. The school was located in Smithtown with an enrollment of only 300 students. Brother Bernadine, our Principal, personally greeted every single student by name…- each and every day – as they got off the bus! Regardless of the weather, he stood outside in his cape, rain or shine, hot or cold, and greeted us every day. He knew each student’s name and how they were doing. Brother Bernadine was an impressive man who cared about his students, and we knew it.

One particular memory stands out in my mind…one day, Brother Bernadine pulled me aside and mentioned that my Mom had not sent in my monthly tuition. He casually told me, “Tell your mom there is no need to worry, just send it in next month.”

What I learned about leadership from Brother Bernadine was that he was loved and respected not only for being the Principal, but also for being a caring man. He led from the front, and as a result, his students would have gone through a brick wall for him. We were a family with a culture unlike any school my other friends attended. It was simple – Brother Bernadine cared; he showed it; and we all knew it … a great formula.

Coach Archie DeMarco

Archie DeMarco was the Athletic Director and Varsity Baseball Coach at St. Anthony’s. He was a retired naval officer and had also played for one of the Cincinnati farm teams before joining the Navy. Coach DeMarco was a great guy, clearly in charge, tough when he needed to be and (almost) always with a smile on his face.

I loved baseball with all of my heart and played junior varsity as a freshman. So, when the Spring of my Sophomore year arrived, I was excited to try out for the varsity team. While St. Anthony’s was a small school, we still had a competitive baseball team. And, every few days, during tryouts, a list was posted in the locker room with the guys who were still on the team. As I made it through three or four cuts, I remained hopeful.

Coach DeMarco knew both baseball and young men. One afternoon, he came to my classroom and asked if he could have a few words with me. As we walked, he put his arm around me and said, “Kid you need playing time and, while you could make the team, I think it’s best if you stay with the junior varsity team and get playing time. There are juniors and seniors who will probably play ahead of you. I’m going to need you in the next two years, but you need more playing experience.”

This was potentially a moment of huge disappointment for me, but you know what? I wasn’t terribly crushed because Coach DeMarco cared enough to come to me, explain the situation, and ask for my support. He certainly didn’t have to do that, but he clearly cared, and I am forever grateful. He took the sting and embarrassment out of the situation and encouraged me to keep working. As it turned out, he really was a genius because his decision to keep me on the junior varsity team worked out for the best. In fact, Coach DeMarco helped secure me a baseball scholarship to Fordham University and I could go and on and how that experience impacted my life…

My Dad

My Dad is the toughest, softhearted guy I have ever known. And it took me many years to see, appreciate, and understand this wonderful combination of seemingly opposites styles. He grew up during the Depression in a difficult family environment and joined the Navy at sixteen years of age during World War II. When I was growing up, Dad scared the heck out of me because he looked tough and took discipline seriously. In fact, everyone thought Dad worked for the FBI. But, underneath, he was a real softy.

Toward the end of my senior year in college, I was struggling to find a job. Having gone to several interviews without any success, I felt sorry for myself and started moping around the house. This went on for several weeks, and Dad had had enough. I was sitting in our living room reading when Dad walked in, a big book under his arm. He sat next to me and said,“Son, I know you are having a tough time and your Mom and I feel for you. We are prepared to help out in any way we can. But, if you’re looking for sympathy, it’s under ‘S’.” He dropped a big dictionary on the coffee table and left the room. In one instance, he showed me two contrasting styles – deep caring and self-reliance.

Closing

“People don’t mind being challenged to do better if they know the request is coming from a caring heart.” — Ken Blanchard

Throughout the years, I have discovered that we truly learn life’s important lessons in situations like the ones I just shared. I have been blessed to have people in my life who have demonstrated caring in different situations, and it is their actions that have enabled me to achieve whatever successes I have enjoyed and to better lead. I look back in deep appreciation to these loving, kind, and confident people and to many others who took the time to care.

Dale Moss has held several leadership positions in the airline industry, including CEO, OpenSkies; COO, Jet Airways India Ltd; Chairman, British Airways Holidays; and Director of Sales Worldwide for British Airways, where he led 12,000 employees and was known for building great teams and delivering extraordinary results. He is currently President of Dale Moss Consulting Ltd.

On a personal note, Dale has been married to Kathi Moss for 41 years, has five grown children, and ten beautiful grandchildren. Dale recently shared, “there is no question – my life’s most important work – is my family. I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams and remain forever grateful.”

I met Dale Moss when I worked under his leadership at British Airways…He was inspirational, a terrific story teller, grateful, and always brought out the best in us. Dale always cared and, because he cared, we were motivated to reach our potential and do what was best for the organization. When I left British Airways, Dale told me I would always be welcomed back, and he continues to mentor and support me in my career.

“A Mindful Leadership Story by Sang Lee”

Introducing My Dear Grandmother

I would like to share a personal story of the woman who raised and shaped me to be the person I am today. For most of my life, I thought she was my grandmother but I later learned she was a close friend of my maternal birth grandmother’s. So, for the purpose of this essay, when I mention my “grandmother,” I will be referring to the woman who raised me.

In 1971 when I was born, my mother had health issues and was not able to care for me. Consequently, I spent most of my childhood with my grandmother. She was my protector, defending me against my parents and two older siblings regardless of how irrational my behavior was. To this day, I have fond memories of Grandmother sneaking me food when I refused to eat with the rest of the family.

My grandmother loved me unconditionally but this is not the main point of the story. What was remarkable about her was that she was physically disabled. Unfortunately, when she was a child, she fell off a wagon and damaged her spine. As a result, she became a 4’ woman with a severely curved spine, making her look like a hunchback. While her appearance did not bother her at home, it did in public and she rarely ventured outside.

When I was nine years old, my father was offered (and accepted) a job with the Korean Embassy in Washington, DC. Our entire family obtained visas to move with him except for Grandmother because she was not a “blood” relative. Upon hearing this, I screamed, cried and carried on for days, driving my parents crazy until they somehow figured out a way to secure Grandmother a visa.

So even in the US, Grandmother continued to care for my sister, brother, and me, cooking our meals and taking care of the house. She was the “glue” that kept our family going, the real COO, while Mother was more of a figure head.

Life Lesson in a Single Impressionable Event: The Story of McDonalds

After living in the US for about three years, my father was promoted to a new position located in South Korea. The timing was not ideal because my older brother was about to leave for college. And, because of this, my parents made the tough decision that they would move to South Korea and leave us with my grandmother and guardians. Our guardians were mostly there in case of emergency, and, in reality, it was my tiny grandmother, who did not speak a word of English, who took care of my brother, sister and me, on her own, in a foreign country.

There is one event that stands out during this time that has had a huge impact on my personal and professional development. One day, my sister and Grandmother went shopping. I was a huge fan of McDonald’s chicken nuggets and asked my sister if she would stop by McDonald’s to get me some. She replied that she was busy and McDonald’s was too far out of the way to pick up “junk food” for her little brother.

A couple of hours went by and my sister returned home, alone. When I asked her where Grandmother was, she answered that Grandmother had insisted on going to McDonald’s to get my food. I became furious at my sister for leaving Grandmother, a woman who hated being out in public and couldn’t speak a word of English, to venture out on her own. My sister and I argued for what felt like an eternity until we became concerned that Grandmother might be lost. That’s when the front door opened and Grandmother walked in, holding a bag from McDonald’s containing my chicken nuggets and favorite BBQ sauce! Relieved to see her, I shed tears of joy and gave her a huge hug.

Impact on My Life

To this day, my sister and I talk about the McDonald’s story whenever we discuss the impact Grandmother had in shaping the person I am today. I always envision what it must have been like for the McDonald’s employees to see this little hunchbacked Asian grandmother desperately attempting to get food for me, her grandchild. My grandmother, who for an instant, probably didn’t care about the obvious stares she must have received due to her appearance and inability to speak English.  She was determined to fulfill her mission of making me happy. The amazing thing about the McDonald’s event was that when Grandmother returned home, she acted as if nothing special had happened.

I often think of my grandmother, a remarkable woman, who even though she experienced doubt and fear, was still strong, humble, and compassionate enough to rise to meet any situation head-on and make the most of it. She was a person filled with love and compassion, who demonstrated, through repeated actions, the importance of humility and quiet confidence. These lessons have always stayed with me. And, as a result, I try to guide and remind my family and colleagues that it is okay to have flaws, weaknesses and fear but, despite these, we must rise to meet the occasion.

My beloved grandmother is no longer physically with me but not one day goes by without me thinking about her and appreciating her unconditional love for me. And, most importantly, I try to live my life, both personally and professionally, reflecting on the lessons learned from my dear grandmother who showed me the true way to lead people is through love, compassion, humility and quiet confidence.

Sang Lee is a managing partner at Aite Group, a research and advisory firm to the top 200 financial institutions, leading technology vendors and professional services firms. I met Sang when my husband, Brad, worked with him at Aite. I am always inspired by Sang’s humble, kind and authentic leadership style.

On a personal note, Sang is happily married with three children and describes himself as “the worse half of a beautiful relationship.”

“A Mindful Leadership Story by Rick Gardner”

One of the most profound experiences on mindful leadership I have known came out of a family tragedy. On September 26, 2007, my oldest son, Zia died suddenly of a previously unknown and undetected heart condition. He was 34 years old. Zia was home alone in the early evening and had called 911.  The apartment was a four-story structure and he was on the third floor.  Paramedics arrived but initially could not get in since the door was locked.  By the time they were able to break down the door and get to the third floor, Zia had died. I quickly called our son James to deliver the terrible news.  James was living about ten minutes away from us at the time. I told him we would bring our youngest son Jeremy over while Diane and I made the trip into town to see Zia. My wife and I now belonged to a club that no one wants to join, surviving parents of children.

While we were fortunate to have abundant support from family and friends during this difficult period, I realized that everyone would need to deal with this loss in their own way and I had no idea what that would even be for me, let alone for others.

So what did I do?

I slowed myself down.

I focused on helping others and doing the next right thing, even though I was not quite sure what that might be.

I allowed myself to grieve. Often, I was alone. Other times, my grief came out at random moments in the presence of others.

I gave everyone whatever space and time they needed to move forward.  At times it was just being present with them in the silence of the moment.  Other times, it was doing even the smallest of things together in a thoughtful way.

So what did I learn?

I discovered I could function well though certainly not perfectly during moments of extreme challenge.

I was able to provide comfort and stability for others by focusing my attention on them and being attentive to their needs.

While struggling for meaning, I could still be grateful.

One thing I had not anticipated was how many people would feel awkward around me after Zia’s death. They were unsure how to act, what was appropriate to say, or even the best way to be sensitive was. I simply said to them: “We do not honor the dead by dying with them…”

Indeed, it was devastating but not disabling.  I said that I wanted to turn this family tragedy into a source of strength.

I told them I appreciated their compassion and explained it would be helpful for me to go back to doing what we had been doing before all of this happened.  By stating my wishes, I was able to provide the acknowledgement and relief they needed to move forward and it certainly helped me in establishing a “new normal.”

I continue to live in the “now” and am ever mindful of the fleeting moments of life.

I choose to create high quality personal and professional experiences moment by moment for as many moments as I have left.

While I will forever grieve the loss of my son, Zia, I have never felt more alive and grateful for the ability to serve others as a coach and consultant. I am able to help people deal with their own personal and professional leadership challenges by drawing on this profound experience.

I hope that by sharing this story, it offers you a moment of thoughtful reflection and enables you to move positively and steadily forward on your own journey of becoming a more mindful leader.

I’d like to thank Rick for sharing his personal journey of how he lived through a family tragedy. I have had the privilege of partnering with Rick for the last six years facilitating workshops in the area of conflict management. Rick always shows up grounded, positive, insightful, kind, and easily able to connect with clients.  Rick Gardner, President at GEMCAP Ventures, LLC, works as an executive coach and business consultant with teams and individuals.