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“A Mindful Leadership Story by Meryl Moritz”

“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much” – Helen Keller

My parents fed and housed me but did not provide much guidance. Looking back, one memory in particular stands out: I remember my father tossing me into a pool and because I did not know how to swim I sunk like a rock. I was frightened and angry when my father fished me out laughing. I received the message loud and clear: figure it out myself and don’t ask for help.

Fast-forward 15 years. I’m now in my post-college life and living pretty much on my own. The idea of asking for guidance was the furthest thought from my mind. I participated in the era of drugs, sex and rock n’ roll, spent time with people who were going nowhere, and married the wrong man. As a result of my choices, my self-esteem suffered. I knew I needed a change, but given my history of not asking for help, I did not know where to turn.

A friend who lived in my building suggested I attend a women-only in career transition workshop. I signed up, attended, and (for the first time) experienced women asking for help from each other. Throughout the twelve week workshop, I researched different fields, reached out to my network, and while it felt uncomfortable and a little anxiety provoking, I asked for help from everyone I knew. The visual in my head of my father tossing me into the pool was still there but now other women were throwing me a life jacket. I did not have to do it alone.

Soon after the workshop, I found a career that was a perfect fit for my talents and interests and landed a job in a large, reputable public relations firm. With my confidence growing, the domino effect went into play and over the course of the next three years I was promoted to VP, received multiple raises, and finished grad school with high honors. My increased sense of self and confidence spilled over into my personal life. I finally had the courage to leave a marriage that wasn’t healthy and got remarried to a sentient, thinking, whole man. I wouldn’t have been able to make these changes in my life had I not had the support and guidance of others.

Looking back on my experience as a seven year old, the “Do It Yourself” philosophy did not work for me: all it produced was a feeling of loneliness and an aversion to ask for help. Thankfully over time, I have learned it can take one courageous act of asking for help – whether during a Women in Transition Workshop, finding my first female mentor, or hiring a career coach to start a domino effect and get things moving in the right direction.

The last decade the foundation of my work and life passion has been supporting young women build meaningful careers, helping homeless women get back on their feet, and sponsoring women in war torn countries obtain education in order to meet basic needs for themselves and their families. Often my mentees’ accomplishments exceed my own. This delights me because I can pay it forward and throw a life jacket to someone else in need.

Meryl Moritz, Principal of Meryl Moritz Resources, holds a special place in my heart. I met Meryl while she was teaching coaching at NYU and knew that she was someone I wanted to model my career after. She mentored me with her generous spirit and love of coaching, supporting me and even throwing me a life jacket the many times I found myself in over my head. I would not be where I am today without her.

In addition to being Principal of Meryl Moritz Resources, she continues to help others as in her roles of Vice Chair of the International Coaching Federation, teaching at University of Miami, and Coaching Fellows through SupporTED.

“Non-Violence means cooperation when it is possible & resistance when it is not.”
– Inspired by the film Kundun about the Dalai Lama

A client recently shared with me that he was experiencing an emotionally charged and difficult situation with a direct report whose abrasive and disrespectful behavior was negatively impacting the team’s morale and productivity. After discussing a few approaches, my client decided to use the following framework to prepare himself for the conversation.

Later on my client mentioned that answering the questions in the framework helped him get clear and grounded, and achieve the outcome he wanted. He also felt good knowing that he showed up kind and compassionate yet firm towards his direct report.

What do I want?

• A better situation for the team (and business)

How do I want to “show up?”

• Curious and open (does not mean I have to agree)
• Compassionate yet firm
• Speak softly
• Grounded and calm, avoid drama
• Remain neutral and not reactive – don’t take the bait

How can I be present?

• Be in tune with the other person
• Prepare myself before the meeting by taking a 10 minute walk
• Remind myself what I want and how I want to show up
• If the meeting gets too heated, take a break

What am I grateful for?

• Opportunity to practice a challenging situation
• That I am me and not the other person

What are my intentions?

• Share the feedback with him in a way he can hear it
• Support him in developing the skills he needs (plan, coaching, etc.)
• Understand if he’s committed to changing
• Discuss consequences if he’s not committed

What can I let go of?

• Feeling responsible for his choices and behavior
• What he will ultimately do

It’s not my job to wake you up if you’re asleep

My job is to do my thing

Dance my own dance

If you profit from it fine, if not too bad

                                     – Anthony de Mello

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen Hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”      ― Mary Anne Radmacher

2015 has kicked off and many of us feel inclined to set resolutions. But according to Forbes, 40% of Americans make New Year’s resolutions and only 8% keep them. So instead of setting resolutions, what if we were gentle with ourselves and committed to living intentionally?

Try thinking about how you want to “show up” each day. Each morning, set aside five or ten minutes to reflect on your intention for the day. That is…how do you want to “show up” for yourself, your family, friends, and co-workers?

Throughout and at the end of the day take time to reflect on and notice how you’re doing in a manner that is free of harsh judgment and criticism towards yourself. Be light about it, you’re smart and self-aware enough to figure it out.

Intentions clients have shared about how they want to “show up” at home and work:

• Slow down and listen.
• Be a better mentor and coach.
• Delegate more.
• Be more patient.
• Be kinder and have more compassion for self and others.
• Take better care of myself; eat healthier; exercise 3 times/week.
• Take time out to reflect and set vision for my team.
• Be present and show up with lightness and joy.
• Let go of what I can’t control and focus on what I can.
• Don’t take things personally because I can’t control actions of others.
• Stay grounded and calm during difficult moments.
• Be a source of peace and calmness for others.  

Joyful, healthy, prosperous, and peaceful 2015.
Cathy

“We already have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement.”
– Pema Chodron

“What if we gave up being attached to a certain outcome and just let it be – not worrying about how things might or might not turn out – even accepting that there might not be a resolution – and lived in the open space of today, this moment, right now with lightness and joy?”      – Cathy Q. Bailey

“A Mindful Leadership Story by Sonya Legg, Ph.D.”

“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony.” – Thomas Merton

When I started my freshman year at Oxford University, I was excited to major in physics and participate in many different extra-curricular activities. However, I quickly learned that others, including my physics professor, had different ideas about how I should be spending my time. At the start of the year, my professor asked me what I did with my free time and I replied that I enjoyed may activities like rowing, running, and singing in the choir. Little did I know that we had different ideas around the importance of balance and enrichment beyond academics.

Shortly after that conversation, I attended a meeting with my professor and the dean and realized that naively, I had over shared. The professor talked with the dean as if I weren’t in the room, saying something like, “Sonya has a real attitude problem and needs to focus on her work. If she wants to succeed she is going to have to devote herself to physics, and only physics.” He then turned to me and said, “So Sonya, what do you have to say for yourself?”  Feeling betrayed and caught off guard, I was unable to answer his question.

I left the meeting feeling deflated, moped around a bit, and even contemplated dropping out of Oxford. But thankfully a good friend encouraged me to continue, telling me “have the courage to be who you are.” And in the end, that’s what I did. It occurred to me that my supposed mentor, my physics professor, was quite narrow-minded. Fortunately, for me, my first term final exam results proved him wrong and I excelled.

The most important lesson I learned during college was that if I did not take time to renew and enjoy non-academic activities, I risked burning out and not feeling motivated enough to excel academically. Despite my professor’s best efforts, I rebelled against his idea of being a “true scientist” and have not looked back. I’m still running, singing in a choir, and enjoying the fun activities that help me manage stress, gain perspective, and show up grounded.

Over the years, I have found that one of the best ways to solve a challenging scientific problem is to go for a run, clear my mind, and let things sort themselves out. Now that I am an established professor and scientist, I have the opportunity to encourage students, both men and women, to take time out, explore, and lead balanced lives. I am also proud to say that my husband and I are raising two daughters, who are not only thriving academically, but also growing as well rounded people as they explore the outdoors, play their musical instruments, and enjoy cultural activities.

Sonya Allayne Legg earned a PhD in Dynamical meteorology and oceanography from Imperial College, UK and a BA in Physics with first class honors from Oxford University, UK. She currently works at Princeton University as the Associate Director of the Cooperative Institute for Climate Science and a Research Oceanographer in the Program in Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences.

Sonya is passionate about mentoring women scientists and is involved in PWiGs (Princeton Women in Geosciences) at Princeton University and a co-leader of MPOWIR (Mentoring Physical Oceanography Women to Increase Retention, a nationwide mentoring program). She enjoys spending time with her husband and two daughters as well as gardening, singing, running, and traveling. Sonya’s most recent accomplishment includes training for and completing the Princeton half marathon.

“A Mindful Leadership Story by Cathy Quartner Bailey”

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what
you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.                             –  Oprah Winfrey

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays – we have the opportunity to take a step back and reflect on what we’re grateful for and share the day with family and friends. I wrote this story when my father was alive – it continues to stay with me – and I’d like to share it this Thanksgiving in his memory….

Thanksgiving 2007

This year is especially meaningful for my family as my father and mother drive to New Jersey to share Thanksgiving with us. We are grateful that my dad is with us, because as he often says, “I’m damn lucky to be here ….almost bought the store, and not just once!”

Thankfully my father’s situation has improved and he is on the road to better health as he recovers from aspiration pneumonia and the complications of his illness. Now I watch this man I love find the courage to deal with life on new terms, one where he wears a “trach,” uses a feeding tube, and is dependent on oxygen – maybe for the long term, hopefully for the short. He shows gratitude for each new day: a walk around the neighborhood, a good night’s sleep, a visit from a friend, or the occasional sip of ice cold water he sneaks when he thinks no one is watching.

There is amazing power in recognizing what we are grateful for. Recently a few of my clients have expressed they were “stuck” in a negative mindset. We talked about keeping a gratitude journal.

I’ve learned from the experiences of clients, as well as my own, that writing in a journal helps bring better energy and perspective to our lives. If you feel “stuck” and are not enjoying life as much as you’d like to, try keeping a “gratitude” journal, and see what shifts for you. Over time you’ll see the impact that focusing on the things in life you’re thankful for has on improving your positive mindset.

In addition, we know based on research that going into a state of gratitude helps us gain perspective, show up happier, and be more mindful. Mindfulness is the ability to tune into one’s self and others & show up more centered.

Consider taking a few minutes each night and journaling about the following questions:

What surprised me today?

What moved me today?

What inspired me today?

My journal entry from November 25, 2007

I was surprised by how much my mother needed my father in her life; anyway she could have him. And by my dad’s courage to fight for his life, even when it meant putting aside his ego and living in a way he would have never thought he could or would have to.

I was moved by my father’s courage and wonderful sense of humor during a challenging time. On many occasions when the nurse showed up with yet another needle, my father jokingly referred to himself as a “human pin cushion.” And when one doctor told him he had lung cancer and 6 months left to live, Dad walked out, laughed, and said, “Don’t think I haven’t heard that before – if I heard it once, I’ve heard it a dozen times.” Thankfully the doctor was wrong.

I am inspired to give more to someone in need because I have learned that while I thought I was the one giving, I was really the one receiving.

I am especially grateful to my family, friends, work associates, and clients who supported me during this time so I could give to my dad what he needed and help him get stronger.

Happy, Healthy Thanksgiving!

“A Mindful Leadership Story by Joan Spindel”

“I learned that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything…at least not at the same time. So think in terms of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them. Timing is everything.” – Dan Millman.

In my twenties, finding a job to pay the rent, learn, expand my social network and travel the world were my only objectives. Timing in life is everything and thankfully it was the 1980’s during the technology boom, and while I had no real work experience, hard workers were needed, and I successfully talked my way into and landed my first job.

In my thirties, I transitioned out of my individual contributor role and started leading and managing teams. I was often the only woman leading a meeting or presenting at a conference; no female role models nor mentors existed for me, but despite that, I did okay. I never really thought about “leaning in or leaning out.” There were no fancy formulas – I worked hard, learned new skills, and delivered results. So, while it wasn’t part of any grand plan, I ended up working for organizations like EMC, Lotus and IBM – early pioneers and innovators in the world of technology. In time, I became Chief Marketing Office for a sexy technology start-up. Life was good.

It was also during this time that I met my husband (another technology geek!), fell in love, got married, and decided to start a family. There was a sudden shift in my values – excelling at work seemed less important and having a baby became my new focus. Unfortunately it didn’t go as planned and I learned I was not able to conceive. It was a difficult and painful time for me. But in the end, my husband and I decided to explore adoption. It turned out to be the best decision of our lives. We soon welcomed a beautiful baby boy into our family. It was love at first sight.

Ironically, when our son came home, I was also offered my dream job at a Fortune 500 company. It quickly became apparent that I wouldn’t be able to honor my family values and be an executive at the same time. Despite really wanting the job, in the end I turned down the offer. I knew I needed flexibility and that that role was not where I would find what I needed.

After much internal debate, I decided to go it alone and set up my own tech marketing consulting firm. It wasn’t so easy to leave an exciting job with benefits, steady income, and fancy title that commanded respect.  And given my introverted nature, I was not sure I had the chutzpah to make it on my own. But over time, my professional network and diverse work experience helped me land clients and fortunately for me my business grew.

In my new role as an independent consultant, I redefined personal and professional success. The ability to scale business up or down in order to meet my own personal needs became more important than titles, teams, and steady income. I have come to learn, and truly appreciate, that while not always easy, honoring my own values versus allowing others to define what’s important to me, is what true success looks like.

My family life is rich and my son is a flourishing teenager. Because I met life on my own terms, I have been able to be mindful about how I want to show up as a mother, wife, daughter, friend, and professional woman. And ultimately define and live my own definition of success.

Joan Spindel, General Partner of the Scarsdale Group, has 20+ years of experience creating and developing marketing strategies and tactics for both high technology and services led companies.  She provides consulting services to a variety of organizations including Fortune 100 firms, start-ups and non-profits. She helps organizations launch new products/ventures (“Launch It’) or solve problems (“Fix It”), often filling in as acting CMO for companies in transition.

In her spare time, Joan enjoys hosting parties, working out at the gym, painting, and spending time with her husband and son.