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“Technology as yet cannot come up with any better communication system than a coffee break.” – Readers Digest

Many clients focus on managing their “triggers.” An event happens, a person says something, or a meeting goes wrong and the trigger occurs. It goes with out saying that when a leader becomes triggered, if she doesn’t take a step back and “cool off,” she runs the risk of making bad decisions and ruining relationships.

It’s more common than you think – and while the internal experience of feeling triggered won’t go away, there’s work to be done to manage the external, that is how you want to “show up” as a leader. Clients learn to trust their internal experience (what is this feeling telling me?) and to manage their external behaviors (how do I present myself to the outside world even though I feel this way?).

Strategies that have helped executives stay grounded and remain less reactive include:

• Before a meeting, write down your goals in terms of how you want to “show up” (e.g., remain calm and non-reactive) and check in with yourself during the meeting – am I honoring my goals?
• When you feel triggered, ask to take a coffee (or bathroom) break in order to regroup and reference your goals.
• Take a few minutes to think about what someone might say that could make you feel defensive. Think about what you might say that could make the other person feel defensive. Focus on having a conversation that focuses on what’s best for the relationship and business.
• Limit length of meetings that have potential to become emotionally charged.
• Write the angry email but DO NOT SEND – SAVE IT. Never send anything that is not positive in an email (sounds like common sense, but happens all the time!). Once you’ve cooled off, you can decide how you want to handle the situation. Does this issue need to be resolved in person or over the phone? Or should I let it go?
• Focus on self-awareness and even write down how you feel the moment you become triggered, revisit 24 hours later and ask yourself – “How do I feel now? What’s changed? What did I learn?”

This blog is part of a Mindful Leadership series: A mindful leader is someone who brings out the best in one’s self and others by showing up compassionate, present, and grounded in all situations – especially challenging ones.

“It’s not a matter of letting go – you would if you could. Instead of ‘Let it go,’ we should probably say, ‘Let it be.'” – Jon Kabat-Zinn

Watch this YouTube video and learn about how Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, is internationally known for his work as a scientist, writer, and meditation teacher engaged in bringing mindfulness into the mainstream of medicine and society.

“As a writer and Zen practitioner I hear myself extolling the virtues of patience when I realize that while patience is absolutely necessary, impatience is also necessary . . . The tension that exists between patience and impatience is so fertile. That’s where the energy comes from.”
– Ruth Ozeki, “Memories in the Mirror”

“I just want to do my job, I don’t want to deal with workplace politics.” – every executive coaching client

I have never heard a client say they want to be more political – but it is connected to leading for greater influence and impact  – so might there another way to think about workplace politics?

Think “Impact” versus “Need to Be Right”
Most executives I work with are at a stage in their leadership where their role is more about “how” they show up versus “what” they do. This often means letting go of being right – being the smartest person in the room – in order to strengthen relationships for greater influence and impact to the business.

Many of my clients use the following framework (thinking through and writing down their thoughts) before a meeting:

1. How do I want to “Show Up? What are 3 – 5 things I would like to hear my colleagues say about me after the meeting? (e.g., I listened, remained calm, was thoughtful in my responses, and brought a sense of humor to the meeting).
2. What do I want? What is my goal for this meeting?
3. What does the other person want? What does a successful meeting look like from my colleague’s point of view?
4. What is best for the relationship? What should I say or do in order to further enhance the relationship and lead to more trust?
5. What is best for the business?  What might I be willing to agree to – or let go of – in the short-term in order to achieve greater long-term influence and impact to the business?
6. How do I minimize drama? What do I need to refrain from saying that might trigger the other person and make them feel defensive?
7. How do I remain calm? What could the other person say that might make me feel defensive? How will I prepare myself for the meeting and what will I do so I don’t go into reactive mode? If I do get triggered, how will I get centered again (e.g., suggest coffee or bathroom break).

This blog is part of a Mindful Leadership series: A mindful leader is someone who brings out the best in one’s self and others by showing up present, grounded, and compassonate in all situations – especially challenging ones.

Read and become inspired by David Brooks and Sheryl Sandberg:

‘To Have a Fulfilling Life You Have to Make Promises’ by David Brooks, columnist and author, who explains to Penn’s Class of 2016 why the measure of our lives depends on how well we commit.

‘The Lessons that I Only Learned in Death’ by Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s COO, who shares with UC-Berkeley’s Class of 2016, lessons in life and loss.

“So I’m making an announcement. I’m not leaning in because I want to be with my kids during the day. But something else, too. I want to garden. Every day. And I want to curl up on the sofa with my dog in my lap and read. I want to get good at cooking with rhubarb because we grow so much of it. I want to be home for the blackberries because they only come one week of every year.” – Penelope Trunk

Learn more about why Sandberg is now saying it is okay for single moms not to “lean in” and Penolope Trunk’s take on it. Click here to read more.

“Too often we take the easy and often cowardly option of using email or text
messaging to avoid the emotional discomfort of a real time conversation.”
– Forbes Magazine, Margie Warrell

A client recently shared he missed a team meeting and received a scathing email from his colleague. Admittedly he was overwhelmed with budget planning, performance reviews, and hiring new team members – but none the less, an honest mistake – something he had never done before. The email was direct and accusatory, catching him off guard and as a result he became triggered – heart pounding, mind racing, and distracted for the rest of the day.

Another executive was berated in an email which was cc’d to the rest of her team. As it turned out the mistake wasn’t even hers. She confronted the sender, he apologized, and sent a revised email to her team.

Before you send “that” email – couple suggestions:

• Write your thoughts down BUT do not send. Give yourself 24 hours to “cool off”.
• Speak in person or by phone, and as close to the event as possible (after you’ve cooled off).
• Prepare yourself so that you are able to remain grounded and calm.
• Stick to the facts. What is the specific action that led to the negative outcome? Be respectful and don’t make it personal.
• Think about what you could say that would make the situation better and preserve the relationship?
• Think about what you could say that would make the situation worse and damage the relationship?
• Ask yourself – What if I’m wrong?
• Consider intention. Was the person being rude and inconsiderate or just an honest mistake?
• Share with your colleague the action that you would have preferred to see (versus what actually happened)?

“Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity…Words have energy and power to help,to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.”
– Yehuda Berg

This blog is part of a Mindful Leadership series: A mindful leader is someone who brings out the best in one’s self and others by showing up present, grounded, and compassonate in all situations – especially challenging ones.