This month, I’ve been reflecting on the concepts of revenge, grudge-holding, and the value of forgiveness—and how these tendencies affect our brains.

James Kimmel, Jr., a lecturer in psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine and an expert on the psychology of revenge, recently published The Science of Revenge: Understanding the World’s Deadliest Addiction—and How to Overcome It. In it, he unpacks the neuroscience and psychology behind our deeply human craving for revenge and how, if left unchecked, it can cause profound harm at the personal, societal, and even geopolitical levels. By framing revenge as an addictive process, he offers not only insight but also research-backed strategies for breaking free from cycles of rumination, grudge-holding, and destructive behavior.

Key Insights on Grudge-Holding, Revenge, and Breaking the Brain’s Oldest Addiction (Kimmel)

• Revenge-seeking is wired into the human brain, delivering fleeting pleasure but fueling a deeper cycle of personal pain and harm. Think of the Buddhist teaching of “honey-tipped poison” or “a drop of honey on the edge of a razor blade”.
• Grudges and fantasies of “getting even” activate the same addictive (dopamine-driven) reward pathways as drugs or gambling. 
• The line between healthy justice and destructive revenge is thinner—and trickier—than most of us realize …and recognizing that line requires awareness, restraint, and empathy.
• Forgiveness, on your terms, rather than the offender’s, is a science-backed antidote that can shift the brain out of pain and rumination to relief and regulation.

Six Practical Ways to Work with Revenge Cravings & Grudges (Kimmel)

• Practice “imaginative forgiveness.” Privately imagine what it would feel like to move past your grudge, even if you never communicate this to the other person.
• Use the “courtroom of the mind.” Role-play a mental trial (you as judge, jury, and witness), then notice if revenge brings relief—or more pain.
• Notice your body’s signals. When you feel wronged, pause and observe the physical sensations of pain and anger in your body before acting. (My notes – It’s important not to rush through this step toward offering forgiveness. Afflictive emotions such as anger, sadness, or grief must be respected, witnessed, and allowed to move through body – not suppressed or hurried. Forgiveness is a practice and takes time).
• Disrupt rumination cycles. Each time a revenge fantasy arises, experiment with visualizing yourself letting it go or gently shifting focus – again, and again.
• Reframe “justice” vs. “revenge.” Ask yourself, “is my intention to set a boundary for safety and accountability, or to punish?”
• Lean into self-forgiveness. If you’ve struggled to let go in the past or regret a reaction, extend the same imaginative forgiveness and compassion to yourself.

Additional Resources

• Click here for Are You a Grudge Holder or a Revenge Seeker? Here’s How It’s Hurting You – and How to Get Over It with James Kimmel, Jr on 10% Happier with Dan Harris. 
• WJS subscribers click here for The Science of Revenge’ Review: Vengeance Isn’t Benign: When people hurt us, we want to get back at them—it’s only natural. But do thoughts of retribution harm us? Are there alternatives?